This blog was created to reach out into our community in a tangible way, but through recent events in my life I feel like I am suppose to journal my way through this new journey I find myself in here and now;) This is definitely not a road I ever thought I would be traveling down, but this is now my reality and if my life can encourage others or bring God any glory then here I am. I am by no means a writer and my grammar will probably make some cringe, but I hope you are able to see beyond that as I share my journey with you. I wrote this in my journal not too long after my husband left me while I was pregnant with our 4th child.
We were sleep walking. We weren't being watchful or on guard. There was no passion in our walk with Jesus anymore. We were not desperate for Him. Did we really even need Him? We were just surviving from day to day. He was not our all in all. And Satan came in and ravaged our family and tore it to shreds. We did not even see him coming. In no time at all Satan came in and robbed me of everything dear to me here on this earth. I was left with all this wreckage around me trying to pick up the pieces that were left of my life. There I was standing in the midst of all this rubble with 6 eyes (now 8 eyes) staring back at me, needing me in more ways than I was able to give. This was all such a surprise. I never doubted his love for me before. He always told me how much he loved me. How could there be someone else? How could he lose feelings for me? How could he turn to another? I asked God so many of these questions and I know He spoke to me and said this is how My bride treats me and how YOU have treated me. How many times have you lost "feelings" for me? How many times have you turned to another to meet your needs? How many times have you chosen to spend time with another rather than Me? How many times have you given your heart to another? How many times have you ignored my request for more of your time? How many times have I declared My love to you while you just gave yours to another?
I now know the pain of having the one person you love more than anything on this planet reject you in every possible way and turn their love to another. The pain I have endured through all this could not even be put into words. I have cried more in the last few months than I have in my entire life. My heart has felt as though it would burst because it could not hold all the pain that has flooded in. And when I think about inflicting that pain on my savior it grieves me more than words can say. I promised my Lord that I never again would turn to another to meet my needs. Never again would I allow someone or something else to steal my affection. He would always be my groom, my all in all. I do not want to be the one who grieves Him in anyway. I know that pain and I will never again turn to another.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not one to share all my dirty laundry or clean laundry either for that matter;) I am a very private person and have never really liked to be in the spot light. I am sharing my journey through this horrific time in my life with you, because I believe with all my heart that "all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose."(Rom 8:28) And I was asleep spiritually and I want to warn everyone I can to "Be sober! Be on the alert! Your adversary the Devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour. Resist him, firm in the faith." (1 Peter 5:8-9) He devoured us while we were sleeping and when we least expected it, but I assure you that I am now more awake/alert than I ever have been before and the damage he has brought on my family will not even come close to the havoc I will cause to his kingdom from this day forward. Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. The Lord and I are going to battle and I know I am on the winning side.
Brandy, thanks for sharing your heart! You are a very strong woman and great example of what it means to be in Christ. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteTears in my eyes, so much truth in this blog about all of us who so easily become sleepwalkers. Love you and thank you for choosing to share your trials. I know It will reap a good harvest in so many others lives.
ReplyDeleteThank you ladies;) I love you both!
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ReplyDeletei cannot even describe what i felt after reading this brandy. i do know this, that you are one very smart and AWAKE woman after all that has been done. I have gone through this sort of pain before, and it amazes me how something so painful can make ones life so much better in the end.
ReplyDeleteGOD bless you and your family.
Pam
Brandy, I deleted my original comment because what I really wanted to say was that you are in my prayers and in my thoughts. Nothing I have gone through can compare with your heartache, and I know words may not help right now, but know this - you are dearly loved.
ReplyDeleteBrandy, you've got it exactly right and you're heading in the right direction. Many would run from God, blaming Him, when anything near what happened to you happened to them. But you done the very thing that is at the heart of God. In all your hurt and confusion, you ran to God rather than away from Him. Through you're going through a lot of pain right now, I know God's grace is with you and will increase with the coming months until you feel like you're walking every moment in the very presence of God. And you probably will be. Bev and my prayers are, of course, much with you. Hal
ReplyDeleteBrandy, "you done the right thing" should have been "you've done the right thing," and "Through you're going" should have been "Though you're going." It's late at night and I've very old. Also, there is the matter of that brain freeze I get now and then, quite a bit lately. God bless.
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