So just a few Sundays ago my pastor gives a message about
how we need to confess our sins to one another.
I will be honest I do not remember the entire message, but I do remember
him placing two microphones up front and calling the congregation to step up
front and confess (this was voluntary).
Over the last several weeks I knew God had been telling me that I needed
to apologize to my ex for the extremely harsh way I had been treating him. Now I know most of you will think I am crazy
for even thinking such a thing and would believe that he deserves everything I
dish out to him, but the truth is that Christ calls us to so much more than
that. Nothing I was doing even closely
resembled Christ in any way. It was like
I needed to let him know just how badly he screwed up my life and just how much
I hated him and her for it. I will be
totally honest with you I enjoyed treating him like crap at times. Revenge can be sweet, but what I realized is
that slowly my heart was becoming darker and darker. It’s like a cancer and it will steal your
joy. Yeah, I may have succeeded in making
his life more unpleasant, however it did not affect him to near the extent it
was affecting me. The more I lashed out
the angrier I got and the less hope I began to have. I was really starting to go to a very dark
place. I felt so hopeless and alone. The more I concentrated on just how badly he
screwed up my life the more it felt like things would never get better. I felt as though no one will ever want to be
with me and all 4 of my children and I was going to spend the rest of my life
alone and it was all his fault and I hated him for it. These thoughts were a constant struggle of
mine, but the despair really started to take me under as unforgiveness consumed
my heart. So I knew God was calling me
to ask for forgiveness for weeks, but I just wasn’t having it. I just couldn’t do it. So of course, wouldn’t you know my pastor
would give that message and my ex decided to go to service that day? The funny thing is that I almost didn’t go to
that service, but my ex was claiming he was going and I wanted to go just so
that I could send him a nasty text and prove that he was lying. I know.
I know. I have the purest of
hearts;) My God has such a sense of
humor. It’s like He said, “Oh yeah, so
you won’t apologize. Well, now I am
going to call you to do it in front of an entire room full of people.” I did not do it, because I wanted to reconcile
with Tony I was doing it because I needed to reconcile with Christ. It was an extremely difficult and humbling
thing to do, but almost instantly I felt the darkness melt away. I no
longer feel that same sense of hopelessness, anger and resentment. I mean I still struggle with thoughts of believing
that I will never meet anyone who will embrace me and all 4 of my children,
however it’s not consuming me like once before.
I am not going to let Satan have
victory in this area of my life anymore.
And when I chose unforgiveness and revenge I was choosing to give Satan
victory over Christ. Satan may have
succeeded in ripping my family apart, but I am going to make sure I spend the rest
of my life making him pay a hefty price for it.
I will choose God’s glory every chance I get. I am not saying I will do it perfectly, but I
will do my best to do it persistently.
