"Mommy, why does life have to be so hard?"

My 7 year old daughter comes into my room a few days ago shortly after I had put the children to bed. My children know that if they have something they need to talk about they can come and talk to me after the others are in bed if they need to talk in private. She had tears in her eyes and wraps her arms around me and cries, "mommy, I miss daddy". At that moment we just held each other and cried together for several minutes. She then laid her head in my lap and I began to stoke her hair and she just poured out her heart to me. "Mommy, daddy always called me princess", "I miss daddy tucking me in at night", "Why is daddy still gone? It's been 7 months!" The questions just began to flow out of her tender little heart. There really is not words to describe how extremely difficult it is to watch your child suffer in this way and not be able to do anything about it. All I could do was keep stroking her hair, listen and offer a few words of comfort. The last question she asked is something I don't believe any 7 year old should have to ask with sincerity. The pain behind each word just tore my heart right open. "Mommy, why does life have to be so hard?" Her life should not be hard at this age. It should be fun, carefree, and she should feel safe. That question signified the loss of innocence and it broke my heart. No matter how much I try to shield them from all this ugliness I can't protect them from it all. I can't shield them from other people's choices that so deeply effect them. All I can do is keep stroking her hair, fight back the rage towards those who have caused her this pain, and tell her we live in a fallen world. Man brought sin into God's perfect world, because God gave man free will to choose to do right or wrong. Unfortunately all too often man chooses to do what is evil in God's sight and we have to live with the consequences of their actions, because the choices we make very rarely just effect the person making those choices. But one day Jesus is coming back to take us to heaven with Him where there is no more pain, no more sickness and no more tears and we will dwell in the house of our heavenly father forever.

As I reflect back on this incredibly special moment I shared with my daughter at a much younger age than I ever dreamed. I began to realize that I may not be able to keep the storms from coming her way, but I can be the safe place she runs to. I can do my best to comfort her as she endures this storm and any others that come her way. And isn't that exactly what Christ does for us? He may not always keep the storms from coming, but He does tell us He will be our refuge and strength and comfort through the storm. He is with us every step of the way just like I will be with my daughter. He is holding us while we cry and letting us know that He is our shelter in the storm. And I would imagine He feels everything I feel when my daughter is hurting, but in a purer form.

Sunday Overflow

This next posting is the result of some good conversation with my mom and a very good friend of mine. For the last several months my church has really been seeking for God to pour out His spirit upon us, and it has really been awesome to watch that hunger grow in our church. I know that God is moving in our church and I am excited to see what is in store for all of us. As I think about that hunger and I pray about it I really feel like God is showing not just me but others as well that Sunday should be the overflow. What I mean by that is that the Bible teaches us that we should be in His Word and in His presence each and every day. It says, "give us this day our DAILY bread" (I added the caps) But I feel like most of us (and I am including myself here too)arrive at church on Sunday in a spiritually starving state. Just think about what would happen to your body if you went without food. I actually looked up the symptoms of starvation and it is eery how similar they are to what we experience when we starve ourselves of our spiritual food. When we starve ourselves of physical food we may start out with irritability and lethargy. Which I find ironic that one of the first things I notice when I have not been feeding my spirit is how my attitude goes down hill. One of the next things that happens with physical starvation is that you start lose fat and muscle mass. You start to whither away. The same happens to the spirit within us as we begin to starve it. Your physical body will become so weak that it reaches a point to where it no longer even is able to sense that it's thirsty. This one really hit me between the eyes. I see it and have experienced it where you go so long without your spiritual food that you completely lose your thirst for that living water all together. And when your physical body gets this week your immune system starts shutting down and you are at risk of many diseases. And when your spirit becomes that weak it no longer has the strength to fight off the disease of sin. Sadly what comes next is heart failure and whether physical or spiritual it leads to the loss of a life. The parallels God uses in His word and His creation never cease to amaze me.

I bring up this parallel on starvation and such to ask if we should really arrive at church in a spiritually starving state waiting for our pastor and worship bands to spoon feed us our "daily bread"? Should we arrive in such a state of spiritual malnutrition? So weak that it takes a several songs just to get strong enough and in the right mind set to worship God? Or should we be feeding ourselves so well that when we arrive that we are ready to burst at the seams with what God is doing in our lives. How awesome would it be to go to a church where people are gorging themselves on God's Word each and every day instead of on a candy bar? When I say we should be bursting at the seams I am not going to say that should look one way or another. For one person it could mean serving the church, for another it could mean dancing in the aisles, for others it might be praying with or encouraging a brother or sister in Christ, or any other of the many many ways we are able to let the love of Christ flow through us. My point is that we should not arrive at church spiritually starving if we are mature believers in Christ (and I say we because I am saying this to myself as well), but instead we should be overly full and ready to share some of the food we have been stocking up on all week long. I really believe that the American church has gotten things backwards in this area of waiting till Sunday to be fed spiritually. Just think how amazing would it be to have a church that instead of the pastor being the only one sharing what God laid on his heart the whole body took turns sharing all the things God had been showing and teaching them throughout the week. How powerful would that be? I get excited just thinking about it. The things God could do with a READY AND WILLING church are so much greater than we could ever imagine.

********************** Taking it one step further********************************

As I was praying this morning and reflecting on the comparison of physical starvation and spiritual starvation I believe God wants to take it a step further. When a person is in severe starvation you can not just give them a hamburger right away. You have to start them out with very small and mildly flavored portions and gradually work them up to larger portions with more substance. There stomachs could not handle it. It would make them sick. They have to work up to the ability to be able to digest that food and expand their shrunken stomachs to be able to take in larger portions at one time. I believe the same is true for our spiritual starving state. We pray and are seeking God to move in powerful ways and we want to experience the out pouring of the Spirit, but God is needing to still give us the smaller portions because we are not ready to digest all that He has for us. So we need to start expanding our spiritual appetite so that we are able to digest all that He wants us to partake in. We need to be in state that we are able to handle ALL that He has for us.

Losing Pounds and Finding Myself Again( part 2)

You know a lot of people have been asking me how I have lost all this weight and what my secret is etc... I think I need to begin by telling you that by no means do I have all this figured out. I am merely speaking from my own experience. The truth is I am not on any fad diet or anything like that. God has just used one of the worst trials in my entire life as a catalyst for change in many other areas of my life. Where I use to use food to cope and meet needs I now turn to God. So I do not "need" food like I use to "need" food. I don't "need" chocolate like I use to. I was so busy stuffing my face trying to satisfy the longings in my soul that I did not leave any room for God to fill those longings. I used food, but I believe we all have our own vices that we use instead of turning to God. If we are always filling ourselves how is He suppose to fill us? So not only did I clear out space on my floor to dance, but it allowed space for the Holy Spirit to come and fill and He is the one who makes me want to dance. He revives my soul and breathes new life into me. He has fulfilled my cravings. And as I have experienced where I am today verses where I was less than a year ago I have just begun to realize just how intertwined our physical and spiritual health can be. I had become lazy on every level physically, mentally, spiritually. I was always tired because of all the extra weight I was dragging around which kept my mind from being sharp which in turn kept my spirit from being on guard and ready to battle when needed. The better physical condition I am in the better I can serve Christ and my children. If I am at my own personal best health then I can do whatever whenever He asks me to do it. "If I am always ready. I don't need to get ready." I will not be hindered by physical capabilities. My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and I need to take care of that temple and I need it operating at its optimal levels. I realize that not everyone is blessed with good health, but we all have our own personal best that we should strive to be which will look different for everyone and it may not always be a weight issue either. I just know that if I am operating at my peak I can serve God in a greater way then when I am unhealthy and always tired. Again it is not always necessarily tied to weight it's mainly a good health issue mine just happened to be linked to my excess weight.

I Corinthian 9:24-
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. 25 Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. 26 So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. 27 But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

Losing Pounds and Finding Myself Again( part 1)

Today I am celebrating a major weight loss accomplishment of losing 60lbs since I have given birth to Faith 6 months ago. Granted 10-15lbs of that I gained with this pregnancy and lost after giving birth, but I am still very happy with myself. Those who have known me the majority of my life know that before I got married and had kids weight was never an issue with me. I was by no means extremely skinny, but I would have considered myself thin who might have carried an extra 5-10lbs that were not really a huge concern of mine. I always ate what I wanted when I wanted. I was never afraid to have the burger and order dessert. I was also pretty active which most likely allowed for me to eat more without the major weight gain. Over the last 9 years of marriage I had managed to pack on the pounds. Add on top of that having 4 children in 7 years I really started to gain weight. Food had become my comfort, my friend, my reward, my relaxation and stress reliever. Food was literally the only thing I did for myself. I was constantly pouring myself into everyone else and never filling myself back up. So I used food to fill myself back up again, but you just have to keep eating more and more to feel that same sense of "fullness". But now as I am looking back I realize that with each pound I gained and every time I used food to cope I lost a little piece of myself. I was hiding who Brandy truly was and who God truly intended me to be underneath all that extra weight. It was another way for me to hide. When I think about this I think about cleaning out my wonderful son's room. Samuel can destroy a room like no one else I know. It literally can get to the point to where you have to wade through a foot of toys and clothes. It's bad! Then I have to go in and clean house and get rid of all the garbage, unwanted toys, and clothes that no longer fit etc... We need to get rid of all the extra weight in there. Just like I needed to lose my extra weight that has been hindering me and holding me back. Because there is so much more tied to those pounds than just extra weight. So little by little I start sorting through his stuff and throwing out all the junk and little by little you start seeing floor space and some resemblance of organization. But you know what is amazing about a freshly cleaned room to a child. It is inevitable they get in there and just start to dance all over the place. They love it and can not resist the urge. I am realizing through this weight loss journey that with each pound I lose I am getting rid of more junk that I did not need that just hid who I truly was. And now that I am beginning to see some clear space on my floor I find myself with this incredible urge to DANCE! The weight was like chains to me holding me back in so many ways and with every pound I lose I feel more chains dropping to the ground and freeing me up to be the woman God created me to be and He loves to see us dance through life!

Cornerstone

I was very thankful for an afternoon off today after a very stressful morning and week.  I was able to go to the gym and get my jogging  and weights in.  I then was able to go to the park and get some out door jogging in.  It really helped me to get my thoughts back where they need to be.  I am telling you there is nothing better for relieving stress then blaring worship music and working out.  You are not just working out your physical body, but your spiritual and mental one as well.  It really doesn't get any better than that.   Oh but wait if you are jogging on a beautiful day outside it really is the icing on the cake. As I was jogging at the park and just really enjoying being in God's presence the song cornerstone came on and God really just began to speak to me as I was worshiping during that song.  This is by no means some new revelation, but it just hit home for me in a fresh way today.  The bible tells us that Jesus is to be our chief cornerstone.  Chief meaning MOST important, the HIGHEST authority.  And then I began to really think about just what exactly a cornerstone is.  An entire building is erected around that cornerstone.  That stone dictates which direction that building will face and how each stone of the foundation will lay.  And Jesus is suppose to be our chief cornerstone.  It should all start with him.  Our family, our finances, our home, our marriages, our career, our entire lives.  All these are stones that should be placed according to the chief cornerstone  Nothing else in this life can be our cornerstone.  It will all fade away nothing else on this earth remains the same like our Jesus.  You can't have a cornerstone that might one day not be there anymore or it might decide to change its self in some way.  You need a cornerstone that will NEVER change and one that is strong enough to build a foundation on.  And there is NOTHING else on this earth that can do just that.  Everything else is just sinking sand.  Christ is our rock, our fortress, and our chief cornerstone.  Is He what your foundation is built on?  Does he dictate the direction of your family, your career, your LIFE?  Was your life built up around that cornerstone?  Did He dictate the direction your temple is facing?  Did you build your home on the Rock?  If not chances are it will all crumble around you.  That cornerstone should be bearing a lot of the weight of the structure.  What do you think will happen if you once built your temple around that cornerstone and you have since then removed the chief cornerstone?  You have greatly weakened the structure and it's destined to fall.  I hope we all can make Jesus our chief cornerstone and not just try to throw Him in there in the mix somewhere and wonder why we don't have a sound foundation.


Ephesian 2:20-22
built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21 In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22 And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.

Letting go of the wheel.

I apologize for the long respite from blogging.  Things have been kind of crazy around here.  Things I am not quite ready to blog about just yet, but hopefully soon I will be.  This morning was an extremely stressful morning for me trying to get all 4 kids ready for church in the morning can really try my patience at times and this was definitely one of those mornings and when you compound the stress I am already going through it is like a bomb waiting to explode at times.  And unfortunately my son broke the last straw and had Mt Mama erupt on him.  Something I am by no means proud of, but I am not going to pretend like I always have it all together and never lose it because I do.  ( and no I did not strike him so no calls to 241-kids please;) But my words were probably more harmful than any spanking would have been.  I wish that I could take it back, but I can't.  I can apologize and let him know that that kind of behavior is unacceptable even from mommy and hope I did not damage him to much.  The stress I have been under is enormous and that is when I realize that once again I have picked up burdens that I am not suppose to carry.  I am not big enough or strong enough to carry this burden.  I really just give myself to much credit sometimes, because I do have a lot of faith in my abilities.  And I know God is trying to show me that He has this NOT me.  I need to leave it in His hands and stop butting in and trying to take over for Him, because I usually am just getting in the way anyway.  It's amazing just how many times we have to give it back to Him.  When will I get it?  I have thick skull at times and it takes a while to get through to me.  It is so miserable to always be worrying  anyway why do I torture myself with it?  What does it really change?  It doesn't change anything, but my attitude and it definitely does not change that for the better.  So once again I am stepping out of the drivers seat and letting Jesus take the wheel because he knows the route a lot better than I do.  I am fumbling around in the dark and He can actually see where we are headed.

Just an Analogy

So many people have no idea what all this is like and I am so happy that they don't have to experience this kind of pain, but when I was thinking about all this an analogy came to me about what this is like.  I am not necessarily talking completely about my situation here it's a pretty general comparison.  I am hoping this gives some insight to people and that someone will read this and think twice before they walk down a similar road.  I am hoping that this will open people's eyes to just how important the marriage covenant is.  I also hope that I do not offend those who have had no choice, but to put an end to their marriage.  That is by no means my intent.  I just want to help people think about it from a different perspective.

As I am facing the end of my marriage coming closer and closer I really believe that God gave me this analogy for what it is I am faced with.  The more I think about divorce I realize that it is much like being faced with losing a limb.  I am still a whole and complete person without my husband, but our family will be operating at a handicap.  I imagine the pain with losing a limb is probably unbearable and death would almost sound like the better option.  The pain one experiences through a separation or divorce is more difficult than death.  Two people who have become one can not separate without feeling the painful effects of that tearing apart.  Now because we serve an awesome God He can bring healing just like if a limb were to be removed it would begin to heal with time and therapy.  God can bring healing to our hearts as well.  And even though the spot where the limb was removed is completely healed there will still be a scar there.  And that person will not be able to function at the same level they once did with a healthy full functioning limb.  They will always feel the effects of not having that limb.  Now God will be there strength and get them through it all, but that does not change the fact that the limb is no longer there and it should be.  The family will no longer function at its peak capacity with the absence of a parent in the home.  So that makes it an incredibly difficult decision as to whether you should remove that limb or not.  But if that limb is infected(living in sin) or the limb is no longer functioning or maybe it never functioned like it should then sometimes it is better to remove that limb so that it does not infect the rest of the body. (Please understand I do not condone divorce except in the case of adultery or abuse and even then I believe if possible you should reconcile)  And maybe you are better off without that particular limb there, but you are still without a limb. God is more than able to bring someone else in your life just like there is prosthetic limbs available for those in need.  I know there is some pretty amazing prosthetic limbs out there and some of them may even function better than the original limb in it's infected or not functioning state.  And some may even function as close to the original as possible. However it will not operate as smoothly as the original in a healthy state and that has nothing to do with how amazing the prosthetic is.  God intended for a husband and wife to be married for a life time and that is how the family unit works best.  God can do all things including restore a life after divorce, but the absolute best option is for that limb to be healed and never removed in the first place.  But sometimes no matter how much you try to save that limb it is to no avail and you will have to remove it.  And hey there is even some procedures where they can reattach those limbs;)  You never know we serve a God of second chances and a God who heals.  The possibilities are endless for those who trust in Him.

I am not trying to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do.  I believe that is a decision that has to be 100% that persons choice, because they are going to have to live with it for the rest of their lives.  I just hope to give you another way to look at things and maybe help others who have not dealt with this before to have a better understanding of the gravity of the decision and just how important it is for that person to make the choice on their own accord with God's guidance every step of the way.

Nothing's Gonna Hold Me Back!

I know it's been a while since my last post and to be honest I have prayed about what to write several times and I really had nothing to share.  These last couple weeks have been consumed with worry and stress for me.  You know every time you think you have given it to God you realize that before you know it you have just picked it right back up again and started carrying that burden all over again.  I am beginning to realize that this is something I am going to have to give to Him daily and even hourly.  I just keep wanting to pick it back up again, because obviously I can do better than God;)  Our reasoning really is crazy sometimes.  I don't even realize I am doing it again until I hit another low and start freaking out about things.  That is when I know I have picked up that very heavy load yet again.  The closer and closer it gets to my marriage coming to an end the more anxious I feel about everything, but I also have peace in the midst of it as well.  It's hard to explain.  I know that God is guiding my every step through this journey.  (Well... there may have been a few outbursts of rage that were not exactly His guidance. lol.  Then again they could have been;)  Seeing the lawyer this week was EXTREMELY difficult for me.  I don't know how many times I have cried out to God screaming, "I DON'T WANT THIS!!!"  I don't want this for me, for my children or for my husband, but I can't stay where I am at either.   I have to move in the only direction available to me at this point as painful and heart wrenching as it may be.  I have so many questions and worries about it all to be honest.  I was just sitting here tonight and my kids were just playing around me and I was not able to interact with them as they entertained themselves.  I just listened to my worship music and just kept praying for God to help me through this and help me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and not try to control or influence the outcome of everything and not stress so much about what the outcome may be.  And then this song came on..


And God just spoke so clearly to me.  That it doesn't matter which way things may fall, but with Him by my side NOTHING is going to hold me back.  Because,  those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.(Is 40:31)  It doesn't matter if I end up getting a divorce(which is the absolute last thing I want) or if we are able to save our marriage in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us (Rom 8:37)  I have no reason to worry, because God has my back and I need to just rest in Him and stop trying to control everything according to Brandy's will and trust more in God's will, God's timing and His infinite power.  If I just keep my eyes fixed on Him; He will take care of the rest.  1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.(Heb 12:1-3) God took me from having my head in my hands with worry and crying out to Him to speaking all these truths to not just my mind, but to my heart which is where I really need to hear them.  I went from being consumed with worry and doubt and unable to interact with my children to dancing in the living room with all of them with our hands raised and praising our God together.  We truly serve an AWESOME God and NOTHING is going to hold us back!  There is great things in our future and I can't wait to see God move!  Here I am Lord, send me!

Never Changes

You know I really have been taken back by just how many people are blown away by the fact that my faith in God has not been shaken in all this.  I guess I really just don't get why it would be.  I mean Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) He NEVER changes!  How comforting is that in this world where you can not put your faith in anything.  There is nothing in this world that we can count on and depend on that is guaranteed to stay the same.  TRUST me on this one;)  The ONLY one we can rely on without fail is Jesus Christ.  My entire world has been flipped completely upside down and I am living my greatest fear every single day.  I am living the one thing I thought I would never be able to survive.  I could get mad at God I guess, but I just don't see how it is His fault.  It was a series of bad decisions that got us here.  Could God have forced the right decisions to be made?  Yeah, I suppose, but if God made all those decisions for us so that we would always do what is right, we would not have free will. We would never truly be able to choose to love Him and that would not really be love at all.  We would all just be mindless robots made to do God's bidding, but He desired so badly to have a genuine relationship with us.  He gave us the free will to choose if that is what we wanted knowing that some would choose otherwise and cause Him great pain through it all.  That is how much He loves us!  And that is why I continue to love and praise Him!  And that is why we need to continue to praise Him in the hard times as well as the good times, because despite our circumstances changing He has  NOT changed!  He is still the same!  He will never forsake us and He is still worthy of all our praise yesterday, today and forever!

Nice and Comfy;)

One of the things I always loved the most about my husband is his ability to light up a room with laughter and engage an audience as he tells a story with so much passion. He has always had a gift for reaching out to people and making them feel like they were old friends. He does not know a stranger and will not think twice about striking up a conversation, for God knows how long, with a complete stranger. He has never had an issue with being in the spotlight and it truly is one of the qualities I admire most about him. And then of course you have me the absolute polar opposite;) I have always hated drawing attention to myself in any way really. Public speaking is one of my biggest fears. You would never catch me just striking up a conversation with a complete stranger. I am definitely more of an introvert. I have always been the one who listens rather than the one doing the talking and I have always found it especially difficult to talk about myself. I am usually not the one to start a conversation. I wait for others to start it usually. I have no idea why I am like this. I just am. When my husband and I first started hanging out I was a lot bolder in all those areas, because I hated fear and I would never let it stop me from doing anything, but as the years have passed I have found myself growing more and more comfortable with allowing my husband to always be the one in the spotlight. I began to make this nice and comfy little home inside this shell and as more time went by the more difficult it became to come out of it. The more likely something would draw attention to me the less likely I was to do it. I may have been quite cozy in this little shell I had, but I was also quite INEFFECTIVE for Christ. How was I suppose to "let my light shine before men, that they may see my good deeds and praise my Father in heaven.(Mt 5:16)  I can't let this little light shine if I am hiding it under a bushel and behind my husband.  I had so much to offer to further the kingdom, but I was too busy keeping it all to myself so I would not draw too much attention to myself.  There were exceptions when I forced myself out of my shell, but my first tendency was to stay in its comforts.  What I am learning more and more is that if I am too comfortable then I can guarantee you that I am NOT where God wants me to be.  Then what would I need him for?  This whole situation has forced me out into the spot light and anyone who knows me knows that this is the last place I desire to be, but I honestly would not change it for anything.  Now my light can shine before men and draw people back into deeper fellowship with God or even come to know Him for the first time.  My comfort equaled zero impact on the world for Christ, but once I was dropped kicked out of my comfort zone into the spotlight I am seeing God move in ways I never would have before.  So I beg you to ask yourself, "am I comfortable where I am at?" and if the answer is yes then I would question if you are truly where God wants you.   If you have been in that comfort zone for a long time then I would ask what is keeping you there? He is always wanting us to grow and stretch us in ways we might have never considered.