A Small Glimpse Into the Ugly Reality of My Situation

I am not sure where to even start. It has been so long since I have even wrote anything, but I have just been stuck in this same spot for so long that I felt like I truly had nothing to share. And to be honest I really don't know how much I have to share at this moment as well. I just feel like I am suppose to share something as I see this divorce looming closer and closer. It all still feels like I am dreaming. Well, I would not really call this a dream. It's definitely more of a nightmare. I just see pain and devastation everywhere. And I know that I am not the only one who feels it. There is pain on ALL sides of this. I am not sure if I could even describe the pain for you. It's really too much for words. There are so many different factors that cause all this pain. There is the pain of knowing that you unintentionally contributed to the breakdown of your marriage that lead to the affair and were never given a chance to fix it and make it right. The feelings of failure for not being able to restore your marriage after its demise. The feelings of helplessness as you can't control circumstances. There is the pain of total rejection from the one and only man you have ever entrusted your heart to. The one and only man you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. The one man you envisioned all your future with and whom you loved with every fiber of your being and would have walked through fire with to help him find freedom from all this sin and death. The one man you can't imagine eternity without. The man I was suppose to raise my children with. The man I waited my whole life for. I truly loved him and I always will. I will never stop praying for him although there has been times that I just couldn't. I just didn't have the words anymore, because I have prayed it all for so long. And then you have my beautiful daughter, who comes to me a couple nights ago crying begging me to "wait longer for daddy to come home." That she will "help me with anything around the house if I will just wait for her daddy to come home." And my heart breaks right there into about a million pieces, as I try to tell her that this is not her burden to carry. She proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want me to get remarried, because she does not want to have 2 daddies.(And NO I am NOT seeing anyone;) And now I am faced with the fact that in order for me to move on from all this and if I were to ever actually be able to meet someone else it would mean that I would guarantee my children's prayers would never be answered. My happiness would come at such a high cost. Not to mention I am sure the men will be lining up once they hear I have 4 children. My daughter has straight up told me she will not like anyone I want to be with that is not her daddy. When I divorce my husband I am not just divorcing him. I am divorcing my children and destroying their sense of family. And then I wonder how in the world am I suppose to teach my children about saving themselves until they are married when it didn't really matter for me? I did everything mostly "right" (not perfectly) and where did it get me? All of this weighs so heavily on me. And it makes everything so much harder because I am the one who had to file for divorce. This is something I never ever thought I would do in a million years and it's something I STILL question whether I should do. I am passionate about marriage vows. When I said until death do we part I truly meant that. I meant in the good times and the bad. I would do absolutely anything to save my marriage, but it takes 2 willing people to make a marriage work. I just can't stay in this horrific cycle any longer the pain is too great and I truly do not know what else to do. And to be totally honest I am so angry! I am angry at my husband and if I were to be completely honest I have to confess I am angry at God too. It has reached the point of me driving off in my car in my alone time and screaming over and over again at the top of my lungs, "I CAN'T DO THIS!!!! I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANY LONGER!!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!! I DON'T WANT THIS!!!!" I have never cried out to God like that before and I hate that I have those feelings. I do not want to be like that at all. I am not someone who expects a lot from anyone, but there is only one thing I ask God for on my own behalf and that is for my marriage to be restored. And I am so frustrated that God is allowing this divorce to proceed without intervening in a bigger way and I am just as frustrated with my husband for the same reasons. So yes I am very frustrated with God at the moment. I am very hurt too, but I am going to CHOOSE to serve Him regardless. I am still going to trust in Him and know that HIS love will NEVER FAIL. Am I feeling it in a big way right now? Nope, not at all, but I will trust Him even in my frustration. For Your thoughts are not my thoughts and Your ways are not my ways. Everyone always tells me how strong I am, etc... The truth is I am very weak in my own strength. I become a total mess the moment I stop turning to Him. He is my life preserver and the only thing keeping me afloat. I start to sink the moment I loosen my grip from Him. I have no idea where I would be without Him. Actually I do know I would probably still be in the fetal position balling my eyes out in my bed unable to function. I share all this not for you to feel sorry for me. That would be the absolute last thing that I want. I share it to encourage you that if you are even thinking of ending your marriage or even possibly thinking of cheating on your spouse I beg you to reconsider. Dr Hartley from Marriage Builders says that through his research he has discovered that infidelity is by far one of the most painful things a person can endure. More painful than rape, violence and death of a loved one. He even had a woman tell him who survived both rape and infidelity that infidelity was much more painful. Is this really the kind of pain you want to inflict on the person you vowed to cherish and protect? Is it really worth all the damage it will cause? I can tell you right now it is not! If you and your spouse are willing to work it out it is one of the best decisions you will ever make in your life. The pain and or frustration you are feeling in your marriage will NOT go away with divorce it is just magnified. Trust me it is not worth it! I firmly believe that there is no marriage beyond repair if you have 2 willing individuals, but trust me it definitely takes 2. Feelings will come and go, but that vow should last forever. If you would like to message me about it I would be happy to talk to you and encourage you in any way I can. I also share all this to help others understand why this is such a incredibly difficult decision to make. Even though it may seem so cut and dry to those outside looking in. The truth is there is nothing cut and dry about it. It's very messy and extremely painful and it impacts so many peoples lives. It's really a decision a person has to reach on their own, because they are going to have to live with it for the rest of their lives. The more people encouraged me to divorce my husband the more hesitant I became about doing so, because I just felt so much pressure to do so. I felt like I would be doing it out of peer pressure and not because it was truly what God wanted or what I wanted. I know everyone only wanted to protect me, but the pressure really was overwhelming at times. The final hearing is 2 weeks away and I still do not have peace about it. I still am not sure if this is what I should be doing. I know this seems absurd to most of you, but I just know what my God can do in the worst of circumstances. So I am watching this date come closer and closer and praying and seeking for clear answers. I have really been blessed by all my friends and family with so much support through all this. All of you have truly sustained me in more ways than you know. And I hope you don't take offense to me not always seeking or desiring input. It has nothing to do with you it's more about me not being overwhelmed by a million different opinions instead of just seeking God for answers. I treasure each one of you that God has placed in my life. *** One last request is that you please do not feel the need to bash my husband on here. I will delete those comments, because that is not what I desire from any of these posts.