Nothing's Gonna Hold Me Back!

I know it's been a while since my last post and to be honest I have prayed about what to write several times and I really had nothing to share.  These last couple weeks have been consumed with worry and stress for me.  You know every time you think you have given it to God you realize that before you know it you have just picked it right back up again and started carrying that burden all over again.  I am beginning to realize that this is something I am going to have to give to Him daily and even hourly.  I just keep wanting to pick it back up again, because obviously I can do better than God;)  Our reasoning really is crazy sometimes.  I don't even realize I am doing it again until I hit another low and start freaking out about things.  That is when I know I have picked up that very heavy load yet again.  The closer and closer it gets to my marriage coming to an end the more anxious I feel about everything, but I also have peace in the midst of it as well.  It's hard to explain.  I know that God is guiding my every step through this journey.  (Well... there may have been a few outbursts of rage that were not exactly His guidance. lol.  Then again they could have been;)  Seeing the lawyer this week was EXTREMELY difficult for me.  I don't know how many times I have cried out to God screaming, "I DON'T WANT THIS!!!"  I don't want this for me, for my children or for my husband, but I can't stay where I am at either.   I have to move in the only direction available to me at this point as painful and heart wrenching as it may be.  I have so many questions and worries about it all to be honest.  I was just sitting here tonight and my kids were just playing around me and I was not able to interact with them as they entertained themselves.  I just listened to my worship music and just kept praying for God to help me through this and help me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and not try to control or influence the outcome of everything and not stress so much about what the outcome may be.  And then this song came on..


And God just spoke so clearly to me.  That it doesn't matter which way things may fall, but with Him by my side NOTHING is going to hold me back.  Because,  those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.(Is 40:31)  It doesn't matter if I end up getting a divorce(which is the absolute last thing I want) or if we are able to save our marriage in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us (Rom 8:37)  I have no reason to worry, because God has my back and I need to just rest in Him and stop trying to control everything according to Brandy's will and trust more in God's will, God's timing and His infinite power.  If I just keep my eyes fixed on Him; He will take care of the rest.  1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.(Heb 12:1-3) God took me from having my head in my hands with worry and crying out to Him to speaking all these truths to not just my mind, but to my heart which is where I really need to hear them.  I went from being consumed with worry and doubt and unable to interact with my children to dancing in the living room with all of them with our hands raised and praising our God together.  We truly serve an AWESOME God and NOTHING is going to hold us back!  There is great things in our future and I can't wait to see God move!  Here I am Lord, send me!

Never Changes

You know I really have been taken back by just how many people are blown away by the fact that my faith in God has not been shaken in all this.  I guess I really just don't get why it would be.  I mean Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) He NEVER changes!  How comforting is that in this world where you can not put your faith in anything.  There is nothing in this world that we can count on and depend on that is guaranteed to stay the same.  TRUST me on this one;)  The ONLY one we can rely on without fail is Jesus Christ.  My entire world has been flipped completely upside down and I am living my greatest fear every single day.  I am living the one thing I thought I would never be able to survive.  I could get mad at God I guess, but I just don't see how it is His fault.  It was a series of bad decisions that got us here.  Could God have forced the right decisions to be made?  Yeah, I suppose, but if God made all those decisions for us so that we would always do what is right, we would not have free will. We would never truly be able to choose to love Him and that would not really be love at all.  We would all just be mindless robots made to do God's bidding, but He desired so badly to have a genuine relationship with us.  He gave us the free will to choose if that is what we wanted knowing that some would choose otherwise and cause Him great pain through it all.  That is how much He loves us!  And that is why I continue to love and praise Him!  And that is why we need to continue to praise Him in the hard times as well as the good times, because despite our circumstances changing He has  NOT changed!  He is still the same!  He will never forsake us and He is still worthy of all our praise yesterday, today and forever!

Nice and Comfy;)

One of the things I always loved the most about my husband is his ability to light up a room with laughter and engage an audience as he tells a story with so much passion. He has always had a gift for reaching out to people and making them feel like they were old friends. He does not know a stranger and will not think twice about striking up a conversation, for God knows how long, with a complete stranger. He has never had an issue with being in the spotlight and it truly is one of the qualities I admire most about him. And then of course you have me the absolute polar opposite;) I have always hated drawing attention to myself in any way really. Public speaking is one of my biggest fears. You would never catch me just striking up a conversation with a complete stranger. I am definitely more of an introvert. I have always been the one who listens rather than the one doing the talking and I have always found it especially difficult to talk about myself. I am usually not the one to start a conversation. I wait for others to start it usually. I have no idea why I am like this. I just am. When my husband and I first started hanging out I was a lot bolder in all those areas, because I hated fear and I would never let it stop me from doing anything, but as the years have passed I have found myself growing more and more comfortable with allowing my husband to always be the one in the spotlight. I began to make this nice and comfy little home inside this shell and as more time went by the more difficult it became to come out of it. The more likely something would draw attention to me the less likely I was to do it. I may have been quite cozy in this little shell I had, but I was also quite INEFFECTIVE for Christ. How was I suppose to "let my light shine before men, that they may see my good deeds and praise my Father in heaven.(Mt 5:16)  I can't let this little light shine if I am hiding it under a bushel and behind my husband.  I had so much to offer to further the kingdom, but I was too busy keeping it all to myself so I would not draw too much attention to myself.  There were exceptions when I forced myself out of my shell, but my first tendency was to stay in its comforts.  What I am learning more and more is that if I am too comfortable then I can guarantee you that I am NOT where God wants me to be.  Then what would I need him for?  This whole situation has forced me out into the spot light and anyone who knows me knows that this is the last place I desire to be, but I honestly would not change it for anything.  Now my light can shine before men and draw people back into deeper fellowship with God or even come to know Him for the first time.  My comfort equaled zero impact on the world for Christ, but once I was dropped kicked out of my comfort zone into the spotlight I am seeing God move in ways I never would have before.  So I beg you to ask yourself, "am I comfortable where I am at?" and if the answer is yes then I would question if you are truly where God wants you.   If you have been in that comfort zone for a long time then I would ask what is keeping you there? He is always wanting us to grow and stretch us in ways we might have never considered.