I just felt like I needed to come clean to you all about my journey of forgiveness. I just don't ever want to give the impression that once I write about something that I have the issue resolved and all figured out. Just because I have a break through with something does not mean that I no longer struggle with it. As a matter of fact once I seem to write about it I usually struggle with it even more. I just don't want others to think that it is that easy. It's hard, very, very, hard! So don't be too hard on yourself if you are struggling at times too.
I am just going to be real with you. I found out recently that my now ,ex-husband's mistress has moved to an area very close to me. I am talking right next to the grocery store I shop at on a regular basis. Now I would like to say I handled it with all the grace and mercy that Christ calls us to, but well, I told you I was going to be real with you all. So... my reaction was not exactly the most Christ-like. To say that I was angry was an understatement. Did I do the next Christ-like thing and turn to God about it? Nope! Not me! I called my ex and chewed him out and asked him what the heck(I may or may not have used a more vulgar term) was going to happen when I ran into her at the store? And I then proceeded to tell him that I would beat the sh*# out of her. I know most of your jaws have now hit the table, but I just am keeping it real. I am so far from perfect. I don't always handle everything appropriately and I don't ever want to give the impression that I do. But I am so thankful that I serve a God who is gracious and merciful and loves me despite my imperfections and loves me too much to leave me there. So somehow I ended up telling my mom all about this episode when I was telling her about the incredible blessing of scoring 2 free tickets to the Women of Faith conference. And I guess she was a bit taken back by my strong reaction. And asked, "Really? Why?". My response, "because, I hate her!" (I have never been one for beating around the bush) So of course my mom tells me that maybe I should work on that this weekend. (pfft.... I have no idea why she would say such a thing. lol) I told her that I was already working on forgiveness and I am working on forgiving my ex and my goodness I am only human I can only work on one thing at a time. (I am NOT good at multitasking lol ;) But, unfortunately I knew she was right and God had already started nudging me in that direction whether I liked it or not. ( and I was definitely leaning toward the not portion of that;) And this weekend was such a huge blessing. There is something so powerful about being in an arena full of women who have come to grow closer to God and know Him better. It truly is amazing just worshiping with them all. The messages were so inspiring and encouraging and the worship just really provided such a doorway to enter into the throne room of God. It was just awesome! And it was during that time of worship during the last segment they showed clips of The Bible mini series. When they showed the clip of Jesus hanging on the cross, I began to really stare at all those open wounds on His body. I watched the blood dripping down His body and thought about just how painful it must have been. I stared at those wounds and realized that the painful image I was staring at was a picture of what I felt on the inside. You can't see my scars with the physical eye, but they are deep and they hurt just as deeply. When I came to the realization that it was visual of what I was feeling on the inside God began to speak to me that Jesus had those wounds inside(emotional) as well as physical. So He was inwardly in as much agony as He was externally. He had it coming to him on all sides. And what did my savior do? He said, "Please forgive them, they know not what they do". He didn't threaten to hurt them and go into a rage. He died for them and forgave them. He loved them! And I am called to do the same. Lord, make me more like You and less like me. This is going to be a huge battle for me, but I am looking forward to gaining some ground and taking back what the enemy has taken from me.
