Thursday, December 15, 2011
Do You Trust Me?
One of the things I struggle with the most is the total lack of control. It's like you can see all these dangers so clearly, but it doesn't matter what you say or do they just keep heading for the cliff. The crazy thing is that I am not sure they realize it, but every step of the way he is dragging his family behind him against their will. That cliff leads to the destruction of our family and he is running for it. It doesn't matter how much my children or I cry out, STOP! LOOK OUT! It doesn't matter how much truth or how many facts are presented or how much logic I use. I can't change his heart. I have always been able to hold my own in a debate and I presented an open and shut case for him to do what is right. He had no defense! He could not dispute my logic, but did that change his heart? Nope! I have spent months counseling him with scripture etc... Did that change his heart? Nope! Have they helped? I am sure they have at times and maybe not at other times. Only God knows at this point. I exhausted every effort to try and turn this whole thing around. I was fighting for my marriage and my husband's salvation. But I could not change his heart no matter how many tricks I pulled out of my sleeve.
I then feel a nudging from the Holy Spirit to stop the texting and phone calls that do not pertain to him visiting the children. Now that is not an easy pill to swallow. That means I completely let go of any influence I may have. But I also knew I HAD to let this go. It was consuming me in every way and I needed to keep my focus on Christ not what my husband was up to if I was ever going to make it through all this. It says seek ye first the kingdom of God and the rest will be added unto you". So if I keep my focus on Him then He will take care of the rest. I know all this, but doing it and placing your faith completely in it is not quite as simple.
"Do you trust Me?" I hear the Lord ask. "Yes" I say, "but, WHAT IF...?!?" "Do you trust Me?" He asks again. "Yes, Lord, but, what if...!?!" You see, I have been carrying the majority of this burden on my shoulders. I ALWAYS prayed and sought guidance to do the "right" thing. I put so much pressure on myself to always say and do the "right" thing. Like my marriage depended on it. And the truth is I do that with just about every area of my life. As if God's plan hinges on whether I make a mistake or not. Does His plan rest solely on me saying and doing everything just right? I needed to come to the realization that He is sooo much bigger than my mistakes and He can move despite them. His plan is not my burden to carry, but He will use me in it if I am obedient. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways and He will guide you on the right paths"(proverbs 3:5)
Do I trust You, Lord? I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!(Mark 9:24) God is the only one who can change a heart not me. It doesn't matter how hard I try. So my husband maybe dragging all of us off the edge of this cliff against our will and it may feel like we have been been crushed into dust, but My god will "give them(me) a crown of beauty instead of ashes" (Isiah 61:3) Now the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will personally restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered a little. (1 Peter 5:10) So regardless of the outcome I know that I have been promised complete restoration. And my God is faithful!
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Love you...as much as we think we are in control, even in the little things, we really aren't when we are His..and we are either being controlled by Him or the influences of the world..As believers we are clay being molded to bring Him glory. ....He is such a Mighty God and there is peace even in hardest of situations knowing He has it in His hands. Thank you for a good reminder Brandy and for choosing to suffer well.
ReplyDeleteI love this post! How real and open you are! Its the goodness of God that leads us to repent. When he sees how good God is to him, even when he is reckless with what God has given him, It will change his heart. God has you, and you already know that! I know I don't see or talk to you much, but I have been thinking and praying for you! Call anytime!
ReplyDeleteBrandy, my heart goes out to you. This post is profound. Blessings to you as you endure his hardship in faith. Waiting with you to see God's devine rescue.
ReplyDeleteThis might be slightly off topic , but you remind me of this tonight. Growing up my parents did every thing in there power to help mold and shape me into a person of honer and integrity,and would do whatever it took to keep me from harm. When I look back through my adult life and all my millions of poor choices that have greatly effected me and the ones who love me,I would bet the hardest part is to have to sit back (with plenty of help to give) and watch some one self destruct,and there's nothing you can do about it. I think this parallels gods relationship with me when I'm in the middle of my funk.he is dying/died to help me through.i'm sure it hurts him bad to have to just watch and wait,but what's freakin cool is , when we exhaust are own attempts at being full,and we're forced to look up,he is excited to over flow us with love forgiveness and direction...anyway,love reading your stuff. Are struggles are a lot different, but the answers seem to be the same,so I'm gonna keep reading what ya spittin
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. What you are saying is a gift for many. I cannot say something deep and profound. Only that I have walked very close to what you are walking except my family was a bit smaller :) to see someone walk away from something so precious is heartbreaking. But I know with every fiber of my being. God stood beside me and refined me. And through the heartbreak he kept his hand on me. You know those four precious little ones have to look to someone for the calm in the storm and they see that someone through their mama. Bless you and strength to you for doing what needs to be done and walking with the only one who will lift you up and carry you when the times get the roughest.
ReplyDeleteOh, my dear sister. This grieves my heart and relieves it at the same time. Our hearts have been so filled with sorrow as we've watched you carry this burden. I'm so glad you've felt the release of the Holy Spirit. On a personal note... It has also been difficult not to lash out at him when you've asked us to stay silent. My heart cries out that there is so much justice that needs to occur. It seems as if there's something that can be said or done. Maybe if I just say this to him or do this. Maybe if my husband confronts him. Can't anything be done God? That's been my question. The insanity of this kills me. You ARE right... he is not in a logical state of mind to see your logic. SIN is NEVER logical. It is always self seeking. It is impossible for him to see the insanity when he's swimming in it.
ReplyDeleteMy heart continues to break every time I think of the pain that has been dealt to you and especially the ones that just don't understand why their world feels likes its spiraling out of control.
My prayer for you and your sweet family is found in Isaiah 55. Here is some of that - 12You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song,and the trees of the field will clap their hands!
13 Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name; they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.”
I am speechless! Thank you everyone for all your kind words!
ReplyDeleteBe still and know the HE is God....
ReplyDeleteWhat you shared about trust is so true, many of us if we are honest would agree that not until all the props we have in our life to grab hold of are gone,can we fully trust.
ReplyDeleteThe more I read the Bible I discover that throughout it all, what pleased God the most was for His people to trust Him. But, the trust He was looking for was demonstrated in their actions. In many ways our relationship to Him, is like a marriage. And marriage is based on trust. If I say I love my spouse but then break that covenant by committing adultery with someone else, most people would say that I probably don't love my spouse, and that would be true. Or it would be a pathetic way to demonstrate it. And if was unfaithful my spouse would have every biblical right to a divorce.
I realize when children are involved it's not that clear cut, and although the hurt seems irreparable you would probably still try to do everything to restore your spouse so your family could remain whole, even if it seemed to be bringing more pain to all in the process. I can't imagine how hard this has been on you and your children. The way you have been willing to forgive over and over again has been a great example to all of us on God's patience with us everyday.
Praying that your husband will return to the Lord, but right now he has made his choice and as you said, and it seems pretty clear that along with his bad choices is trying to pull you and your children toward a cliff and even off of it if possible, against your will. I'm sure you will always love your husband because he was your husband and fathered your children, and your children will always love their daddy and honor him, but you all don't have to go off or even in the direction of a cliff to honor him properly. He can't take anyone off of a cliff or even toward it, if they are not following him. Among all of his rights he has forfeited as your husband, he has forfeited his right to lead you all. The Bible says that if the unbelieving departs, let him depart.
As for me and my house we will serve the Lord. We are never to seek second the kingdom of God. That is the beauty of the commandment.
God says He will honor those who honor Him, and you are doing just that. I am more than confident that God will see you through, and restore beauty for ashes.
Love and prayers.