Who Am I?

You know when all this first happened it completely flipped my whole world upside down.  I began to question everything, but my faith in God.  Now that he was no longer in our home he no longer was the head of our household.  I now had to fill that role and that made really question who I was and what exactly I wanted for my children and I.  This thought process was also prompted by a very dear friend who is traveling a very similar road.  So I really began to seek God and search myself for who I was and this opened my eyes to so much that otherwise would have never seen.  I realized that I had no idea what I wanted or what I even enjoyed doing for that matter.  I had really forgotten who I was.  I had tried so hard to be the perfect submissive wife that always allowed my husband to lead our family without my "nagging" that I lost my voice and part of myself.  I was trying to hard to be the "perfect" wife always saying and doing the "right" thing that I lost who I was in the process.  I was too busy worrying about what my children and husband needed that I never really even thought about what I wanted.  I mean there is something seriously wrong if I have trouble thinking of something I like or want to do.  It should not be that difficult to come up with something.  I was further challenged by this same friend to to come up with 50 goals in 50 years.  When she first mentioned it I thought it was a bit cheesy, but then I laughed at the thought of actually coming up with 50 goals that I wanted to accomplish.  I mean I have trouble even thinking of something I enjoy doing anymore.  And wouldn't you know it once I actually forced myself to sit down and think about these things I have MORE THAN 50!  Who would of thought it!  I am so looking forward to taking steps to reach those goals and rediscovering myself along the way.  Not only will this make me a better person and christian, but it will also make me a better mother which is by far ONE of my highest callings, but it definitely is not my only calling.  And as I journey down this road of rediscovering the person God has created me to be I know that it is only through Him that I will truly find myself.  Nothing on this earth not even my children or husband can tell me who I was created to be.  Only the one who knit me together in my mother's womb (my designer) can truly tell me what I was designed for.  He knows me better than I know myself and He will direct my steps and my goals.  And He already is.  I know that I was called to missions before I was married and my husband and I always had a heart do missions work.  I still have that calling on my life regardless of my marital status and I will not forsake that calling on my life.  I have no idea how it will all come to pass, but I know God does and He has it all under control.

I thought I would include my 50 goals on here just for my own record and to help others start to really think about their own goals for their life.  Without vision the people perish.  We need to have a vision!
In no particular order.
1.)  Write a book
2.)  Travel to all 50 states in a RV
3.)  Go on the mission field.
4.)  Learn to be still before God
5.)  Memorize entire chapters in the bible
6.)  Become more acquainted with God's voice
7.)  Work at a soup kitchen
8.)  Minster to the homeless on the streets
9.)  Learn the piano
10.) Speak to groups of people
11.)  Start a bible study
12.)  Take in someone who needs a place to stay
13.)  Live a life completely obedient to God's call.  (I know this will take a lifetime;)
14.)  Pick up a hitch hiker (no lectures on safety please;)
15.)  Get in shape
16.)  Eat healthier
17.)  Go back packing
18.)  Horse back riding in the mountains.
19.)  Own a horse ranch and use it to minister to teens.
20.)  Be more organized
21.)  Spend quality time with the kids each day.
22.)  Discover and cultivate each of the gifts God has given my children.
23.)  Go skydiving!
24.)  Go bungee jumping!
25.)  Go rock climbing
26.)  Go to Washington D.C.
27.)  Take a family vacation every year
28.)  Do something for myself each day
29.)  Go swimming in a waterfall
30.)  Be fearless
31.)  Be confident in myself through Christ
32.)  Home school my children
33.)  Be in full time ministry
34.)  Learn to dance
35.)  Give away my last dollar
36.)  tithe 10% regularly
37.)  Lead as many people to Christ as possible
38.)  Invest in someone's life
39.)  Make and keep family traditions
40.)  Go on a cruise
41.)  Spend time daily in prayer and reading God's Word.
42.)  Run a 5k
43.)  Go to OSOM and get my ministering license
44.)  Go witnessing on the streets.
45.)  Teach and model all God's ways to my children
46.)  Sing again
47.)  Be intentional with each and every day no more coasting by
48.)  Have and actually take care of a nice garden with food and flowers.
49.)  Adopt a needy family for Christmas
50.)  Learn how to paint
51.)  Take a cake decorating class
52.)  Take a cooking class at the learning kitchen.
53.) Take my children on a mission trip.
54.)  Glorify God!

My Provider

It is no secret that I am completely dreading this holiday season.  This will be our first holiday apart and I tear up just at that thought of not having him here Christmas morning.  My heart breaks for my children who just want their daddy so badly to be here not just Christmas morning, but every morning and night.  I just can't imagine what it will be like without him here and all the excitement he always brought.  It doesn't even stop there though.  I get to mourn our anniversary just 3 days later and how we have been married 9 years now.  So yes this holiday season is not one I am too excited about.  I am trying to keep busy every day this week to keep our minds off of what we are lacking this Christmas. I also wanted to take a moment and reflect on all the gifts God has GIVEN during this time instead of dwelling on what has been taken from us. He deserves the praise and the glory for it all!

Any one who knows me knows I am not one to ask for help.  It is extremely difficult for me to impose on people in anyway.  And through all this I have not really had to ask for anything.  It really has been amazing watching God meet our every need.  It really leaves me speechless.  I don't think I had to buy groceries for the first month after I had Faith.  I had a meal brought to me almost every night for the first 2 weeks after I had her.  On top of that my pastor's wife brought me a bunch of easy to prepare groceries as well as a close friend who brought groceries and some necessities that I was almost out of.  My pastor has dropped off 3 boxes of groceries for us at one point.  And then I went to Thanksgiving Dinner give away thing that our church helped with just to minister to those receiving the meals and I go to my van to find everything I need to make a Thanksgiving dinner.  It really has been awesome! I had friends come and help with my children and put them to bed for me.  I had other friends take my kids out for the day to give them something fun to do and give me a break.  My family was AMAZING!  My mother and sister in law came over and helped me get my house in order when I was too weak to do it myself due to being under such enormous amounts of stress and being unable to eat during my pregnancy and no longer having a husband here to help.  My father and brother came over to drywall my son's and the baby's room and get it ready for the new baby.  My parents have sent their men over on several occasions to fix or help out with anything that I might need done around the house. I had a very dear friend offer to home school my daughter because my mind could not even begin to take on that responsibility on top of all the other drama I was dealing with.  That was such a huge answer to prayers, because I did not want to send her to public school and add yet one more thing that would just rock her world.  We also heat our home with a wood stove.  This is something that was always my husband's job and I always hated dealing with. Before I even thought about how I needed to start buying some wood some dear friends approached me about it and they brought me a truck load within the week.  I had not even thought about wood yet, but God was making sure it was covered;)  I had another family from our church bring me another load right before the other load ran out and my parents bought this last load all without me ever even mentioning it.  God has blessed me so much through all this that I have made sure to tithe every bit of money that I have recived, because it is more real than ever before that it all really comes from Him anyway.  In doing so I gave $10 more in tithe one Sunday just thinking oh well I am sure God will make up the difference.  And before I left church that Sunday my pastor's wife hands me $100 that someone gave in the offering.  A little over a week later I tithe more again because I did not have the change and I got $75 from my aunt and my pastor hands me a check for $200.  If it wasn't for that money I would not have had gas, water, internet, etc....  That was a huge blessing!  And as of this morning I did not really have any money to buy my children Christmas presents, but I really wasn't stressing.  I just knew He would take care of it.  And when I went over to my mom's to decorate some ornaments and have cookies with the kids my uncle had left $100 for me.  I was able to get some presents for the kids this evening!  God is so good!  I have had others hand me $20 here and there.  And it has even been crazy little things like just thinking man it would be nice to have some frisch's kids meal coupons and my friend came over with $20 and a gift card to frisch's and kids meal coupons! It's crazy!  Even to the point of me praying and saying God I know this is really shallow, but I really don't like my hair right now and I really need it cut and I would Love for it to be highlighted.  And my hairstylist/friend offers to cut my hair AND all my children's hair and when I get there she asks me if I want her to highlight it! Ummm.... YEAH! It is just so awesome to know that He even cares about the little things.  Just because He wants you to know how much He loves you!  And then I forget about having to have costumes for the Fall Fun Fest and my sister-in-law calls and asks if I would like her sister to make my kids some masks and she will make some capes and tutus.  I neither had the money or time to even think about this, but God knew what my children and I needed.  He has used my family and friends to provide clothes and and winter coats for my children. I know that there is more I am forgetting at the the moment, but this is just a glimpse of His provision for us in all this.  I am telling you we serve an awesome God!  He is my provider and He will meet all your needs!(emphasis on needs)  I am in awe of just how much He loves and cares for us.  He cares about the stuff that makes us happy.  He cares more about our character, but there are times when He just wants to show you He truly cares.  And that is just so amazing to think that the God of the universe just wants to make little old me happy and let me know He is pleased with me.

I will praise the Lord at all times; His praise will always be on my lips.  I will boast in the Lord; the humble will hear and be glad.  Proclaim with me the Lord's greatness; let us exalt His name together.

I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to Him are radiant with joy; their faces will never be ashamed.  This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him from all his troubles.  The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and rescues them.

Taste and see that the Lord is good.  How happy is the man who takes refuge in Him!  Fear the Lord, you His saints, for those who fear Him lack nothing.  Young lions lack food and go hungry, but those who seek the Lord will not lack any good thing. (Psalm 34:1-10)

Do You Trust Me?

One of the things I struggle with the most is the total lack of control.  It's like you can see all these dangers so clearly, but it doesn't matter what you say or do they just keep heading for the cliff.  The crazy thing is that I am not sure they realize it, but every step of the way he is dragging his family behind him against their will.  That cliff leads to the destruction of our family and he is running for it.  It doesn't matter how much my children or I cry out, STOP! LOOK OUT! It doesn't matter how much truth or how many facts are presented or how much logic I use.  I can't change his heart.  I have always been able to hold my own in a debate and I presented an open and shut case for him to do what is right.  He had no defense!  He could not dispute my logic, but did that change his heart?  Nope!  I have spent months counseling him with scripture etc... Did that change his heart?  Nope!  Have they helped?  I am sure they have at times and maybe not at other times.  Only God knows at this point.  I exhausted every effort to try and turn this whole thing around.  I was fighting for my marriage and my husband's salvation. But I could not change his heart no matter how many tricks I pulled out of my sleeve.

I then feel a nudging from the Holy Spirit to stop the texting and phone calls that do not pertain to him visiting the children.  Now that is not an easy pill to swallow.  That means I completely let go of any influence I may have.  But I also knew I HAD to let this go.  It was consuming me in every way and I needed to keep my focus on Christ not what my husband was up to if I was ever going to make it through all this.  It says seek ye first the kingdom of God and the rest will be added unto you".  So if I keep my focus on Him then He will take care of the rest.  I know all this, but doing it and placing your faith completely in it is not quite as simple.

"Do you trust Me?"  I hear the Lord ask. "Yes" I say, "but, WHAT IF...?!?"  "Do you trust Me?" He asks again.  "Yes, Lord, but, what if...!?!"  You see, I have been carrying the majority of this burden on my shoulders.  I ALWAYS prayed and sought guidance to do the "right" thing.  I put so much pressure on myself to always say and do the "right" thing.  Like my marriage depended on it.  And the truth is I do that with just about every area of my life.  As if God's plan hinges on whether I make a mistake or not. Does His plan rest solely on me saying and doing everything just right?  I needed to come to the realization that He is sooo much bigger than my mistakes and He can move despite them.  His plan is not my burden to carry,  but He will use me in it if I am obedient. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding;  think about Him in all your ways and He will guide you on the right paths"(proverbs 3:5)

Do I trust You, Lord? I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!(Mark 9:24)  God is the only one who can change a heart not me.  It doesn't matter how hard I try.  So my husband maybe dragging all of us off the edge of this cliff against our will and it may feel like we have been been crushed into dust, but My god will "give them(me) a crown of beauty instead of ashes" (Isiah 61:3) Now the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will personally restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered a little. (1 Peter 5:10)  So regardless of the outcome I know that I have been promised complete restoration.  And my God is faithful!

Missing Daddy

So these last couple weeks have been extremely difficult on me, but even more so on my children.  I find myself wiping their tears at night, because they miss their daddy so badly.  He comes 2x a week to visit, but they still cry themselves to sleep some nights.  You see it's just not enough to see him a couple times a week.  My son looks through his belongings and asks, "Did daddy buy this for me?" and if the answer is yes he will cling to it just to feel closer to his daddy.  He wears a bengals necklace around his neck, because it reminds him of his daddy. My daughter will wear his shirts to bed and the locket he bought her with their picture in it and just stare at it until she falls asleep.  They just want to be closer to him and see his face.

Watching my children suffer like this has been by far the hardest part in all this, but watching this unfold really got me thinking about our heavenly father.  Do we ache like this for our heavenly father?  I mean we go once or twice a week to meet Him at church, but does our heart just ache when we are not with Him?  Does it really ache like my children ache for their daddy?  Do we keep things close to us that remind us of Him?  Do we hide His word in our hearts?  If my son was able he would spend every waking moment with his father, and we do have that opportunity.... Yet, how often do we take the time to meet with him?  Is it still only once or twice a week if we are really good;)  Oh, but wait....do you say a quick prayer every night before you go to bed?  My children's father calls every night before they go to bed, but they still cry themselves to sleep, because they miss spending time with their daddy.  A 2 minute conversation before bed is just not enough.  They want more time just being in his presence.  Is that quick prayer before you fall asleep enough?  Do you really miss him when you are away?

My children will also constantly ask when is daddy coming home?  When is daddy coming?  Over and over they ask.  They can't wait to see him.  Oh and when they do see him!  The shouts of joy and leaps of excitement that explode once his van pulls into the driveway can be deafening.  Are we that excited about spending time with our heavenly Father?  Do we count down the days, hours, or minutes to when we can be with Him again?  Do we leap for joy in His presence?  Where is that yearning to just be with Him?  Do we ache for Him like my children do for their father?  Is He our everything?

Then He called a child to Him and had him stand among them "I assure you,"  He said, "unless you are converted and become like children you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore whoever humbles himself like this child- this one is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Mt 18:2-4)

Sleep Walking

   This blog was created to reach out into our community in a tangible way, but through recent events in my life I feel like I am suppose to journal my way through this new journey I find myself in here and now;)  This is definitely not a road I ever thought I would be traveling down, but this is now my reality and if my life can encourage others or bring God any glory then here I am.  I am by no means a writer and my grammar will probably make some cringe, but I hope you are able to see beyond that as I share my journey with you.  I wrote this in my journal not too long after my husband left me while I was pregnant with our 4th child.

We were sleep walking.  We weren't being watchful or on guard.  There was no passion in our walk with Jesus anymore.  We were not desperate for Him.  Did we really even need Him?  We were just surviving from day to day.  He was not our all in all.  And Satan came in and ravaged our family and tore it to shreds.  We did not even see him coming.  In no time at all Satan came in and robbed me of everything dear to me here on this earth.  I was left with all this wreckage around me trying to pick up the pieces that were left of my life.  There I was standing in the midst of all this rubble with 6 eyes (now 8 eyes) staring back at me, needing me in more ways than I was able to give.  This was all such a surprise.  I never doubted his love for me before.  He always told me how much he loved me.  How could there be someone else?  How could he lose feelings for me?  How could he turn to another?  I asked God so many of these questions and I know He spoke to me and said this is how My bride treats me and how YOU have treated me.  How many times have you lost "feelings" for me?  How many times have you turned to another to meet your needs?  How many times have you chosen to spend time with another rather than Me?  How many times have you given your heart to another?  How many times have you ignored my request for more of your time?  How many times have I declared My love to you while you just gave yours to another?
I now know the pain of having the one person you love more than anything on this planet reject you in every possible way and turn their love to another.  The pain I have endured through all this could not even be put into words.  I have cried more in the last few months than I have in my entire life.  My heart has felt as though it would burst because it could not hold all the pain that has flooded in.  And when I think about inflicting that pain on my savior it grieves me more than words can say.  I promised my Lord that I never again would turn to another to meet my needs.  Never again would I allow someone or something else to steal my affection.  He would always be my groom, my all in all.  I do not want to be the one who grieves Him in anyway.  I know that pain and I will never again turn to another.

 Anyone who knows me knows that I am not one to share all my dirty laundry or clean laundry either for that matter;)  I am a very private person and have never really liked to be in the spot light.  I am sharing my journey through this horrific time in my life with you, because I believe with all my heart that "all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose."(Rom 8:28)  And I was asleep spiritually and I want to warn everyone I can to "Be sober!  Be on the alert! Your adversary the Devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour.  Resist him, firm in the faith." (1 Peter 5:8-9)  He devoured us while we were sleeping and when we least expected it, but I assure you that I am now more awake/alert than I ever have been before and the damage he has brought on my family will not even come close to the havoc I will cause to his kingdom from this day forward.  Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.  The Lord and I are going to battle and I know I am on the winning side.