Already I can tell this is a blog that Satan does not want read, because so much keeps getting in the way of me writing it. For instance the fact that my daughter refuses to go to bed despite repeated attempts to do so and multiple issues with my computer and Internet. This blog entry is stretching me in a big way this evening. The events that I am writing about also had this same affect on me. This really has been the week from hell for me (excuse my language). I really feel like there is not a single area in my life that has not been attacked this week. I am suppose to be taking my daughter on a mission trip on June 27th and it appears that Satan is going to be throwing everything at me to keep me from going on this trip.
I have felt the attacks literally in every area in my life this week. My finances are a mess and then I get a letter in the mail telling me my mortgage is going up $200 a month. My stress levels are through the roof as I try to figure out how to juggle everything on my own. I am informed this week I have high blood pressure which has never been an issue for me even when I weighed a lot more than I do now. I am certain this is stress related, but humbling at the same time. And there is always is always personal issues that cause me stress when dealing with my children and ex. I believe this final blow sent me over the edge.
All these things were weighing very heavily on me, but then I started talking to this really great guy and it didn't seem to matter as much;) I felt like finally I could see some light past this dark cloud that has been hanging over my life for so long now. If you could mark off every characteristic of the guy of my dreams he possessed every one and then some. I was shocked that he was even interested in talking to me. I mean seriously I have 4 children and I am sure he could get any girl he desired. And then I get the blow that I was waiting for. He does not have a peace about moving forward with me in a relationship. To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement. I wish that I could say that I accepted this news with total trust in God, but I didn't. Instead I threw a bit of a temper tantrum. (I know. It's really mature;) Asking God, "Why?". It just felt like the one thing I desired more than anything was finally being entrusted to me and it was taken away as quickly as I received it. I just could not understand why. I mean all I desire more than anything on this planet is to meet someone God ordains and spend the rest of my life with them doing ministry together. So why was God taking that away from me? I was furious about it. I began to question why am I even doing all this. Is God even real? (Doubts I had been battling for quite some time now) How long do I have to endure this life alone with no one to share it with? I mean seriously, How long? I have stayed so faithful through it all. So don't I deserve this one thing?
It's at this moment I had to decide am I Christian because of what God does for me? or Am I Christian because of who God is?
This is where the rubber meets the road. Can I continue to serve Him even if I spend the rest of my life alone? I have to admit this thought is a terrifying thought for me, because I truly loved being married and I desire more than anything to be married again. But now I know that I will serve Him for the rest of my life even if I have to travel this road alone. Even if He doesn't orchestrate my life the way I believe it should go. I serve Him, because of who He is and He is amazing. And I know that He IS real. I know what I have experienced with Him and I can't deny it. His favor that He pours out on us is just the icing on the cake. It's not necessary, but it does make the cake a bit sweeter.
I don't share these things with you for your pity, but I share them with you, because of how God is using them in my life. Satan may be attacking me from every possible angle, but I have been given the spiritual armor to withstand against his spiritual attacks. And that is exactly what I plan on doing. I have been teaching a bible study on the armor of God and now it is time to put it to use.
I will stand and I will fight back.
He can go after my finances, my health, and my personal life, but he will never be able to touch my faith. And I know that my God will meet my every need in His perfect timing. I just need to trust in that in the mean time. I may not do this perfectly, but I will keep placing my faith in Him. And know that He will make up for where I fall short.
No weapon formed against me shall prosper.... Isaiah 54:17
And I hope you will choose to stand and fight back too regardless of your circumstances.
