Forgiveness, Yeah, I Still Have Some Work To Do:)

     I just felt like I needed to come clean to you all about my journey of forgiveness.  I just don't ever want to give the impression that once I write about something that I have the issue resolved and all figured out.  Just because I have a break through with something does not mean that I no longer struggle with it.  As a matter of fact once I seem to write about it I usually struggle with it even more.  I just don't want others to think that it is that easy.  It's hard, very, very, hard!  So don't be too hard on yourself if you are struggling at times too.
     I am just going to be real with you.  I found out recently that my now ,ex-husband's mistress has moved to an area very close to me.  I am talking right next to the grocery store I shop at on a regular basis.  Now I would like to say I handled it with all the grace and mercy that Christ calls us to, but well, I told you I was going to be real with you all.  So... my reaction was not exactly the most Christ-like.  To say that I was angry was an understatement.  Did I do the next Christ-like thing and turn to God about it?  Nope!  Not me!  I called my ex and chewed him out and asked him what the heck(I may or may not have used a more vulgar term) was going to happen when I ran into her at the store? And I then proceeded to tell him that I would beat the sh*# out of her.  I know most of your jaws have now hit the table, but I just am keeping it real.  I am so far from perfect.  I don't always handle everything appropriately and I don't ever want to give the impression that I do.  But I am so thankful that I serve a God who is gracious and merciful and loves me despite my imperfections and loves me too much to leave me there.  So somehow I ended up telling my mom all about this episode when I was telling her about the incredible blessing of scoring 2 free tickets to the Women of Faith conference.  And I guess she was a bit taken back by my strong reaction.  And asked, "Really? Why?".  My response, "because, I hate her!" (I have never been one for beating around the bush)  So of course my mom tells me that maybe I should work on that this weekend. (pfft.... I have no idea why she would say such a thing.  lol)  I told her that I was already working on forgiveness and I am working on forgiving my ex and my goodness I am only human I can only work on one thing at a time.  (I am NOT good at multitasking lol ;)  But, unfortunately I knew she was right and God had already started nudging me in that direction whether I liked it or not. ( and I was definitely leaning toward the not portion of that;)  And this weekend was such a huge blessing.  There is something so powerful about being in an arena full of women who have come to grow closer to God and know Him better.  It truly is amazing just worshiping with them all.  The messages were so inspiring and encouraging and the worship just really provided such a doorway to enter into the throne room of God.  It was just awesome!  And it was during that time of worship during the last segment they showed clips of The Bible mini series.  When they showed the clip of Jesus hanging on the cross, I began to really stare at all those open wounds on His body.  I watched the blood dripping down His body and thought about just how painful it must have been.  I stared at those wounds and realized that the painful image I was staring at was a picture of what I felt on the inside.  You can't see my scars with the physical eye, but they are deep and they hurt just as deeply.  When I came to the realization that it was visual of what I was feeling on the inside God began to speak to me that Jesus had those wounds inside(emotional) as well as physical.  So He was inwardly in as much agony as He was externally.  He had it coming to him on all sides.  And what did my savior do?  He said, "Please forgive them, they know not what they do".  He didn't threaten to hurt them and go into a rage.  He died for them and forgave them.  He loved them!  And I am called to do the same.  Lord, make me more like You and less like me.  This is going to be a huge battle for me, but I am looking forward to gaining some ground and taking back what the enemy has taken from me.

Choosing Forgiveness

So I am working on this thing called forgiveness.  Here is a newsflash for you all: It's not easy.  It is something I have to be very intentional about.  You see I am a girl and I am not just any girl.  I am a very analytical girl who has this tendency to analyze things from about a million and one different angles in order to come to the best possible solution/conclusion about any number of situations.  I will analyze the best drive to pull into at a gas station in order to have the most convenient pull out etc.... (I know. I have issues.)  So my mind is constantly going and replaying things.  It really never stops.  So take your typical girl who dwells and just multiply that by 10 to give you a glimpse inside this beautiful mind of mine.  And all this stuff I have been through the last 2 years really has consumed the great majority of my every thought for so long.  It is very difficult to start taking captive those thoughts and choosing to forgive instead.  It's hard to accept such a huge injustice and such a huge loss when you have to live with the consequences of another person's poor choices.  It really is just all so unfair.  I hate to sound like a 2 year old crying "it's not fair!", but it really isn't.  It just sucks and I find it very difficult to turn the other cheek.  But you know what.  It was also pretty unfair that Jesus had to die on the cross to pay for MY sins.  That was not fair to Him and His innocence definitely out shines mine by a long shot.  The consequences he endured on my behalf really put mine in perspective. I have never been beaten, nailed to a cross, mocked, carried the sin of the ENTIRE world, and endured my heavenly Father having to turn from me as I carried that weight, and then take my last breath.  I can't imagine!  Thank you Jesus for paying the incredibly high price for my sin.  It wasn't fair, but you paid it anyway.  And you call me to do the same.  You call me to forgive as you have.  After all how could I not give grace when you have given it so exceedingly to me.  It's just like the parable of the king and the servant and his great debt.  The king forgave the servant this enormous debt that was impossible for the servant to pay on his own.  And what does that servant do after he receives such a enormous gift?  He goes and finds a fellow servant and demands repayment of a significantly smaller amount and throws them in jail until they can pay.  I had never even considered the fact that I was sinning when my forgiveness was conditional upon my ex doing the right thing(in other words until I received repayment), until a very dear friend pointed that out to me. (I would not have accepted that rebuke from any other person, but I know her heart and where she has been)  And I don't want to be like the servant and receive such a great gift from my heavenly father and turn around and demand repayment/repentance from another.  Does this revelation make this easy to do?  Absolutely not!  It is by far one of the hardest things that I have to choose to do every single day.  Because it never fails that something happens almost every single day to make me have choose to let it go over and over and over again.  Like I said in the beginning I have to be very intentional about it.  I watch sermons on forgiveness several times a week and I have to constantly be on guard with my thought life.  It's extremely hard. Did I mention that it was hard? lol  But it is worth it!  Because I am not going to let this own me any longer.  I am going to be free from the chains of unforgiveness that have held me back for so long.  And yes they are chains, because ALL sin leads to imprisonment (even the justifiable sin).  Do I fee like forgiving them? Nope!  Do I struggle still?  Um... that would most definitely be a YES!   But I am reclaiming ground and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  So we are taking it one day at a time.  Taking baby steps and stumbling here and there, but we are reclaiming that ground inch by inch and one day I hope to look back and see how far I have come.  Hopefully I will have put unforgiveness way behind me and I won't be able to still reach back and pick it up again.  lol

Taking My Story and Making it His

Well, today my divorce papers should have been filed.  I thought that divorcing my husband would some how make what he has done and is doing to me less painful, but to be honest it doesn't make it any less hurtful. It is still just as painful as it was. I am not sure if that hurt will ever go away. I think about forgiveness and I believe that I could have forgiven someone who truly repented and turned from it, but I really do not know how I am suppose to forgive two people who have caused so much pain and turmoil to my children, myself, and numerous other family and friends, but most of all to my children.  I would do anything to protect my children from all this. Anything. But now all I can do is pray that God will take all these ashes surrounding us and make it something truly beautiful that will take your breath away.   One man took away every dream I ever had for my life. He took my dream of giving myself to one man and growing old with that man and raising our children and grandchildren together. He took my dream of raising our children together on the mission field (I am aware that America is a mission field too, but it is not where I dreamed we would be.). He stole my dream of being able to stay at home with my children. He took my dream of homeschooling my children. He destroyed my happily ever after. And he destroyed my dream of restoration and working with other families and teens to bring families back together and prevent others from going through this. He destroyed "my story" that I had been writing for myself. So now when I look toward my future I see a blank slate. Where before I had all these ideals of how my life should go, but now that all my "ideas" have been annihilated I can completely surrender to His will. Now I don't believe for one second that this is God's will(He hates this!), but just like when sin and death were brought into this world through one man (Adam), and God took that disaster and wrote one of the most amazing love stories of all time through it. I also believe that God is going to take this devastation and make it something remarkable. So I am surrendering the pen of my story to one of the most amazing authors of all time. I really am not sure why I ever tried to take the pen from Him in the first place. I mean think about it He has written the best seller of all time. He writes stories that we could not imagine. He writes a story that crosses generations.  He wrote the most beautiful love story of all time!  Am I really capable of writing a story that even compares? I don't think so... not even close. I have no idea what this next chapter in my life will hold, but I surrender it to you, Lord. And I look forward to it with great expectation.  What about you?  Do you trust Him to write your story?  Are you grappling with him over what you think He should write next?  Do you think you can write a better story?  There is so much freedom in surrendering the "pen".  I wish that I would have done it before it was my only option;)  "The resurrection life you received from God is not timid grave tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"(Rom 8:15) 

A Small Glimpse Into the Ugly Reality of My Situation

I am not sure where to even start. It has been so long since I have even wrote anything, but I have just been stuck in this same spot for so long that I felt like I truly had nothing to share. And to be honest I really don't know how much I have to share at this moment as well. I just feel like I am suppose to share something as I see this divorce looming closer and closer. It all still feels like I am dreaming. Well, I would not really call this a dream. It's definitely more of a nightmare. I just see pain and devastation everywhere. And I know that I am not the only one who feels it. There is pain on ALL sides of this. I am not sure if I could even describe the pain for you. It's really too much for words. There are so many different factors that cause all this pain. There is the pain of knowing that you unintentionally contributed to the breakdown of your marriage that lead to the affair and were never given a chance to fix it and make it right. The feelings of failure for not being able to restore your marriage after its demise. The feelings of helplessness as you can't control circumstances. There is the pain of total rejection from the one and only man you have ever entrusted your heart to. The one and only man you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. The one man you envisioned all your future with and whom you loved with every fiber of your being and would have walked through fire with to help him find freedom from all this sin and death. The one man you can't imagine eternity without. The man I was suppose to raise my children with. The man I waited my whole life for. I truly loved him and I always will. I will never stop praying for him although there has been times that I just couldn't. I just didn't have the words anymore, because I have prayed it all for so long. And then you have my beautiful daughter, who comes to me a couple nights ago crying begging me to "wait longer for daddy to come home." That she will "help me with anything around the house if I will just wait for her daddy to come home." And my heart breaks right there into about a million pieces, as I try to tell her that this is not her burden to carry. She proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want me to get remarried, because she does not want to have 2 daddies.(And NO I am NOT seeing anyone;) And now I am faced with the fact that in order for me to move on from all this and if I were to ever actually be able to meet someone else it would mean that I would guarantee my children's prayers would never be answered. My happiness would come at such a high cost. Not to mention I am sure the men will be lining up once they hear I have 4 children. My daughter has straight up told me she will not like anyone I want to be with that is not her daddy. When I divorce my husband I am not just divorcing him. I am divorcing my children and destroying their sense of family. And then I wonder how in the world am I suppose to teach my children about saving themselves until they are married when it didn't really matter for me? I did everything mostly "right" (not perfectly) and where did it get me? All of this weighs so heavily on me. And it makes everything so much harder because I am the one who had to file for divorce. This is something I never ever thought I would do in a million years and it's something I STILL question whether I should do. I am passionate about marriage vows. When I said until death do we part I truly meant that. I meant in the good times and the bad. I would do absolutely anything to save my marriage, but it takes 2 willing people to make a marriage work. I just can't stay in this horrific cycle any longer the pain is too great and I truly do not know what else to do. And to be totally honest I am so angry! I am angry at my husband and if I were to be completely honest I have to confess I am angry at God too. It has reached the point of me driving off in my car in my alone time and screaming over and over again at the top of my lungs, "I CAN'T DO THIS!!!! I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANY LONGER!!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!! I DON'T WANT THIS!!!!" I have never cried out to God like that before and I hate that I have those feelings. I do not want to be like that at all. I am not someone who expects a lot from anyone, but there is only one thing I ask God for on my own behalf and that is for my marriage to be restored. And I am so frustrated that God is allowing this divorce to proceed without intervening in a bigger way and I am just as frustrated with my husband for the same reasons. So yes I am very frustrated with God at the moment. I am very hurt too, but I am going to CHOOSE to serve Him regardless. I am still going to trust in Him and know that HIS love will NEVER FAIL. Am I feeling it in a big way right now? Nope, not at all, but I will trust Him even in my frustration. For Your thoughts are not my thoughts and Your ways are not my ways. Everyone always tells me how strong I am, etc... The truth is I am very weak in my own strength. I become a total mess the moment I stop turning to Him. He is my life preserver and the only thing keeping me afloat. I start to sink the moment I loosen my grip from Him. I have no idea where I would be without Him. Actually I do know I would probably still be in the fetal position balling my eyes out in my bed unable to function. I share all this not for you to feel sorry for me. That would be the absolute last thing that I want. I share it to encourage you that if you are even thinking of ending your marriage or even possibly thinking of cheating on your spouse I beg you to reconsider. Dr Hartley from Marriage Builders says that through his research he has discovered that infidelity is by far one of the most painful things a person can endure. More painful than rape, violence and death of a loved one. He even had a woman tell him who survived both rape and infidelity that infidelity was much more painful. Is this really the kind of pain you want to inflict on the person you vowed to cherish and protect? Is it really worth all the damage it will cause? I can tell you right now it is not! If you and your spouse are willing to work it out it is one of the best decisions you will ever make in your life. The pain and or frustration you are feeling in your marriage will NOT go away with divorce it is just magnified. Trust me it is not worth it! I firmly believe that there is no marriage beyond repair if you have 2 willing individuals, but trust me it definitely takes 2. Feelings will come and go, but that vow should last forever. If you would like to message me about it I would be happy to talk to you and encourage you in any way I can. I also share all this to help others understand why this is such a incredibly difficult decision to make. Even though it may seem so cut and dry to those outside looking in. The truth is there is nothing cut and dry about it. It's very messy and extremely painful and it impacts so many peoples lives. It's really a decision a person has to reach on their own, because they are going to have to live with it for the rest of their lives. The more people encouraged me to divorce my husband the more hesitant I became about doing so, because I just felt so much pressure to do so. I felt like I would be doing it out of peer pressure and not because it was truly what God wanted or what I wanted. I know everyone only wanted to protect me, but the pressure really was overwhelming at times. The final hearing is 2 weeks away and I still do not have peace about it. I still am not sure if this is what I should be doing. I know this seems absurd to most of you, but I just know what my God can do in the worst of circumstances. So I am watching this date come closer and closer and praying and seeking for clear answers. I have really been blessed by all my friends and family with so much support through all this. All of you have truly sustained me in more ways than you know. And I hope you don't take offense to me not always seeking or desiring input. It has nothing to do with you it's more about me not being overwhelmed by a million different opinions instead of just seeking God for answers. I treasure each one of you that God has placed in my life. *** One last request is that you please do not feel the need to bash my husband on here. I will delete those comments, because that is not what I desire from any of these posts.