Choosing Forgiveness

So I am working on this thing called forgiveness.  Here is a newsflash for you all: It's not easy.  It is something I have to be very intentional about.  You see I am a girl and I am not just any girl.  I am a very analytical girl who has this tendency to analyze things from about a million and one different angles in order to come to the best possible solution/conclusion about any number of situations.  I will analyze the best drive to pull into at a gas station in order to have the most convenient pull out etc.... (I know. I have issues.)  So my mind is constantly going and replaying things.  It really never stops.  So take your typical girl who dwells and just multiply that by 10 to give you a glimpse inside this beautiful mind of mine.  And all this stuff I have been through the last 2 years really has consumed the great majority of my every thought for so long.  It is very difficult to start taking captive those thoughts and choosing to forgive instead.  It's hard to accept such a huge injustice and such a huge loss when you have to live with the consequences of another person's poor choices.  It really is just all so unfair.  I hate to sound like a 2 year old crying "it's not fair!", but it really isn't.  It just sucks and I find it very difficult to turn the other cheek.  But you know what.  It was also pretty unfair that Jesus had to die on the cross to pay for MY sins.  That was not fair to Him and His innocence definitely out shines mine by a long shot.  The consequences he endured on my behalf really put mine in perspective. I have never been beaten, nailed to a cross, mocked, carried the sin of the ENTIRE world, and endured my heavenly Father having to turn from me as I carried that weight, and then take my last breath.  I can't imagine!  Thank you Jesus for paying the incredibly high price for my sin.  It wasn't fair, but you paid it anyway.  And you call me to do the same.  You call me to forgive as you have.  After all how could I not give grace when you have given it so exceedingly to me.  It's just like the parable of the king and the servant and his great debt.  The king forgave the servant this enormous debt that was impossible for the servant to pay on his own.  And what does that servant do after he receives such a enormous gift?  He goes and finds a fellow servant and demands repayment of a significantly smaller amount and throws them in jail until they can pay.  I had never even considered the fact that I was sinning when my forgiveness was conditional upon my ex doing the right thing(in other words until I received repayment), until a very dear friend pointed that out to me. (I would not have accepted that rebuke from any other person, but I know her heart and where she has been)  And I don't want to be like the servant and receive such a great gift from my heavenly father and turn around and demand repayment/repentance from another.  Does this revelation make this easy to do?  Absolutely not!  It is by far one of the hardest things that I have to choose to do every single day.  Because it never fails that something happens almost every single day to make me have choose to let it go over and over and over again.  Like I said in the beginning I have to be very intentional about it.  I watch sermons on forgiveness several times a week and I have to constantly be on guard with my thought life.  It's extremely hard. Did I mention that it was hard? lol  But it is worth it!  Because I am not going to let this own me any longer.  I am going to be free from the chains of unforgiveness that have held me back for so long.  And yes they are chains, because ALL sin leads to imprisonment (even the justifiable sin).  Do I fee like forgiving them? Nope!  Do I struggle still?  Um... that would most definitely be a YES!   But I am reclaiming ground and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  So we are taking it one day at a time.  Taking baby steps and stumbling here and there, but we are reclaiming that ground inch by inch and one day I hope to look back and see how far I have come.  Hopefully I will have put unforgiveness way behind me and I won't be able to still reach back and pick it up again.  lol