I know it's been a while since my last post and to be honest I have prayed about what to write several times and I really had nothing to share. These last couple weeks have been consumed with worry and stress for me. You know every time you think you have given it to God you realize that before you know it you have just picked it right back up again and started carrying that burden all over again. I am beginning to realize that this is something I am going to have to give to Him daily and even hourly. I just keep wanting to pick it back up again, because obviously I can do better than God;) Our reasoning really is crazy sometimes. I don't even realize I am doing it again until I hit another low and start freaking out about things. That is when I know I have picked up that very heavy load yet again. The closer and closer it gets to my marriage coming to an end the more anxious I feel about everything, but I also have peace in the midst of it as well. It's hard to explain. I know that God is guiding my every step through this journey. (Well... there may have been a few outbursts of rage that were not exactly His guidance. lol. Then again they could have been;) Seeing the lawyer this week was EXTREMELY difficult for me. I don't know how many times I have cried out to God screaming, "I DON'T WANT THIS!!!" I don't want this for me, for my children or for my husband, but I can't stay where I am at either. I have to move in the only direction available to me at this point as painful and heart wrenching as it may be. I have so many questions and worries about it all to be honest. I was just sitting here tonight and my kids were just playing around me and I was not able to interact with them as they entertained themselves. I just listened to my worship music and just kept praying for God to help me through this and help me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and not try to control or influence the outcome of everything and not stress so much about what the outcome may be. And then this song came on..
And God just spoke so clearly to me. That it doesn't matter which way things may fall, but with Him by my side NOTHING is going to hold me back. Because, those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.(Is 40:31) It doesn't matter if I end up getting a divorce(which is the absolute last thing I want) or if we are able to save our marriage in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us (Rom 8:37) I have no reason to worry, because God has my back and I need to just rest in Him and stop trying to control everything according to Brandy's will and trust more in God's will, God's timing and His infinite power. If I just keep my eyes fixed on Him; He will take care of the rest. 1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.(Heb 12:1-3) God took me from having my head in my hands with worry and crying out to Him to speaking all these truths to not just my mind, but to my heart which is where I really need to hear them. I went from being consumed with worry and doubt and unable to interact with my children to dancing in the living room with all of them with our hands raised and praising our God together. We truly serve an AWESOME God and NOTHING is going to hold us back! There is great things in our future and I can't wait to see God move! Here I am Lord, send me!
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