Sunday, October 12, 2014

My God is SO Faithful!!!

  It is through hindsight that I am able to write this blog today.  My God has carried me through quite the roller coaster these last few years.  There has been so many ups and downs along the way.  I would love to say that I was faithful the whole time and didn't question Him along the way, but that simply would not be true.

My God and I have gone toe to toe many times.

This is not something I am proud of by any means, but it's just the reality.  There has been soo many pivotal decisions in my life that have brought me to where I am today.  Every one of these decisions has brought me to my knees begging God to take this cup from me.  Every one of these decisions has been made with immense agony and tears.

The decisions I have had to make felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest!

But through every single decision I have made my God has been by my side guiding me every step of the way giving me just enough strength to make it through each day.

He is sooo Faithful!!!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge He shall direct your paths."-Proverbs 3:5-6

  The first crucial cross roads I had to cross was accepting that there would be no reconciliation with my ex husband.  This was not an easy pill for me to swallow.  I believed with all my heart that my ex and I could work through this and in return help the many other couples that have faced the same issues.  I mean if there was anyone who could get through this it would be me right?:)  I now see that if God would have reconciled our marriage at that point I would have taken credit for it.  I was pretty confident in my ability to reason with people and counsel with people.  I know that I would have taken credit for the work that only God can do. I  now know without a doubt that the only one who can change a heart is God.  I don't have to say just the right thing or do just the right thing for Him to move in someone's life.  Their salvation does not hinge on me and that is a burden God has lifted from my shoulders that I should have never carried in the first place.

    The second pivotal decision I had to make was filing for divorce.  This was by far one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make.  This went against everything I believed.  I mean it says that God hates divorce in scripture.  I did not want to have any part in the ending of my marriage.  I wanted God to write on the wall what He wanted me to do.  I just had to know that I was doing what He wanted me to do.  I was terrified of making the wrong decision.

This fear crippled me from doing anything.

It took me a year and a half to divorce a man that had been cheating on me the entire time.  I grew very frustrated with God, because I wanted no part of this and I really wanted a clear answer either way.  I wanted my ex to just divorce me so that I could feel like my hands were completely innocent of the entire thing.  In hindsight I now know that, because I filed I had total favor in the courts eyes.  They gave me full custody with visitation only upon my approval which simply does not happen these days.  I will forever be grateful, because one of my biggest fears was my children being exposed to something they shouldn't be.  I felt God's total favor in the court room that day. I could not have asked for a better outcome.

My God is soo Faithful!!!

"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you.  He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.  Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.  Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes." Psalms 37:5-7

  Following my divorce one of the things I struggled with the most was believing that anyone would ever want to be with me and all four of my children.  I didn't struggle with low self worth or anything like that, but I just knew the reality that 4 children is a lot for anyone to take on.  And I did not believe anyone would be able to look past that fact.  My children are absolutely amazing, but I just knew it would be extremely intimidating for a guy to not just accept them, but love them as his own.  I am just a realist.  I also knew that I don't exactly have the time to go out and date anyone.  Despite my circumstances I did meet a few people along the way.  Each one helped me to break more ties with my ex and better prepare my children for the reality that we were not going to reconcile.  But I had a difficult time each time the "relationship" was cut off.  It just further solidified my belief that no one would be able to take on all this responsibility.  I grew very frustrated with God.  I was just sick of all of it.  And I made sure to tell God exactly what I thought about all of it.  So yeah, I had a little temper tantrum.  Thankfully I did not stay in that place.  I just felt like nothing ever went as I desired.

I felt like I was put on this Earth to make everyone else feel better about their life.

I did not understand why He would not give me the desires of my heart.  I didn't understand why this dark cloud hanging over my head would not lift?  I was tired of being "strong".  When was I going to see His favor?  Never mind the fact I had felt His favor through everything.  He had provided for us in miraculous ways, but it's funny how we forget about those things when we focus on what we don't have.  We only see a very small portion of His masterpiece and that tunnel vision greatly skews our perception.

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways", says the Lord.  "For as as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8

  Little did I know that all these things would work together to mold me into the person he created me to be with a lot of room for improvement:).  And He did not stop there.  He had someone in mind for me all along.  And His ways are so much higher than my ways.  He knew exactly what my children and I needed.  He heard my every prayer and heart's cry.  He knew every desire of my heart better than I knew myself.  I mean all the way down to my obsession with even numbers and his height.  He left nothing out. It still blows my mind at just how everything has fallen into place so perfectly.  Nothing has been forced.  It all has very naturally fallen into place and that is how my God works.  He is simply amazing!  Everything I lost in my first marriage will be given back to me ten fold.  I feel so incredibly blessed and I will forever be grateful.  I joke that it took crossing the country to find someone who I could spend the rest of my life with, but a good friend reminded me that that is how powerful our God is.

There is no distance too great, no mountain too big that our God can't handle.

I knew God promised me full restoration for everything I had lost.  He did not do it the way I would have thought, but I will never doubt his faithfulness again.  When I was under this dark cloud I doubted His abilities to restore, but now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that even if I am denied my greatest desire of my heart that it is only, because His ways are higher than my ways.  I could not see the silver lining when I was lost in the darkness of the cloud, but oh how much brighter that lining shines after passing through the darkness.  It's simply beautiful!

"Where once there were thorns, Cypress trees will grow.  Where Nettles grew, Myrtles will sprout up.  These events will bring great honor to the Lord's name, they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love." Isaiah 55:13

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