Taking My Story and Making it His

Well, today my divorce papers should have been filed.  I thought that divorcing my husband would some how make what he has done and is doing to me less painful, but to be honest it doesn't make it any less hurtful. It is still just as painful as it was. I am not sure if that hurt will ever go away. I think about forgiveness and I believe that I could have forgiven someone who truly repented and turned from it, but I really do not know how I am suppose to forgive two people who have caused so much pain and turmoil to my children, myself, and numerous other family and friends, but most of all to my children.  I would do anything to protect my children from all this. Anything. But now all I can do is pray that God will take all these ashes surrounding us and make it something truly beautiful that will take your breath away.   One man took away every dream I ever had for my life. He took my dream of giving myself to one man and growing old with that man and raising our children and grandchildren together. He took my dream of raising our children together on the mission field (I am aware that America is a mission field too, but it is not where I dreamed we would be.). He stole my dream of being able to stay at home with my children. He took my dream of homeschooling my children. He destroyed my happily ever after. And he destroyed my dream of restoration and working with other families and teens to bring families back together and prevent others from going through this. He destroyed "my story" that I had been writing for myself. So now when I look toward my future I see a blank slate. Where before I had all these ideals of how my life should go, but now that all my "ideas" have been annihilated I can completely surrender to His will. Now I don't believe for one second that this is God's will(He hates this!), but just like when sin and death were brought into this world through one man (Adam), and God took that disaster and wrote one of the most amazing love stories of all time through it. I also believe that God is going to take this devastation and make it something remarkable. So I am surrendering the pen of my story to one of the most amazing authors of all time. I really am not sure why I ever tried to take the pen from Him in the first place. I mean think about it He has written the best seller of all time. He writes stories that we could not imagine. He writes a story that crosses generations.  He wrote the most beautiful love story of all time!  Am I really capable of writing a story that even compares? I don't think so... not even close. I have no idea what this next chapter in my life will hold, but I surrender it to you, Lord. And I look forward to it with great expectation.  What about you?  Do you trust Him to write your story?  Are you grappling with him over what you think He should write next?  Do you think you can write a better story?  There is so much freedom in surrendering the "pen".  I wish that I would have done it before it was my only option;)  "The resurrection life you received from God is not timid grave tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"(Rom 8:15) 

A Small Glimpse Into the Ugly Reality of My Situation

I am not sure where to even start. It has been so long since I have even wrote anything, but I have just been stuck in this same spot for so long that I felt like I truly had nothing to share. And to be honest I really don't know how much I have to share at this moment as well. I just feel like I am suppose to share something as I see this divorce looming closer and closer. It all still feels like I am dreaming. Well, I would not really call this a dream. It's definitely more of a nightmare. I just see pain and devastation everywhere. And I know that I am not the only one who feels it. There is pain on ALL sides of this. I am not sure if I could even describe the pain for you. It's really too much for words. There are so many different factors that cause all this pain. There is the pain of knowing that you unintentionally contributed to the breakdown of your marriage that lead to the affair and were never given a chance to fix it and make it right. The feelings of failure for not being able to restore your marriage after its demise. The feelings of helplessness as you can't control circumstances. There is the pain of total rejection from the one and only man you have ever entrusted your heart to. The one and only man you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. The one man you envisioned all your future with and whom you loved with every fiber of your being and would have walked through fire with to help him find freedom from all this sin and death. The one man you can't imagine eternity without. The man I was suppose to raise my children with. The man I waited my whole life for. I truly loved him and I always will. I will never stop praying for him although there has been times that I just couldn't. I just didn't have the words anymore, because I have prayed it all for so long. And then you have my beautiful daughter, who comes to me a couple nights ago crying begging me to "wait longer for daddy to come home." That she will "help me with anything around the house if I will just wait for her daddy to come home." And my heart breaks right there into about a million pieces, as I try to tell her that this is not her burden to carry. She proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want me to get remarried, because she does not want to have 2 daddies.(And NO I am NOT seeing anyone;) And now I am faced with the fact that in order for me to move on from all this and if I were to ever actually be able to meet someone else it would mean that I would guarantee my children's prayers would never be answered. My happiness would come at such a high cost. Not to mention I am sure the men will be lining up once they hear I have 4 children. My daughter has straight up told me she will not like anyone I want to be with that is not her daddy. When I divorce my husband I am not just divorcing him. I am divorcing my children and destroying their sense of family. And then I wonder how in the world am I suppose to teach my children about saving themselves until they are married when it didn't really matter for me? I did everything mostly "right" (not perfectly) and where did it get me? All of this weighs so heavily on me. And it makes everything so much harder because I am the one who had to file for divorce. This is something I never ever thought I would do in a million years and it's something I STILL question whether I should do. I am passionate about marriage vows. When I said until death do we part I truly meant that. I meant in the good times and the bad. I would do absolutely anything to save my marriage, but it takes 2 willing people to make a marriage work. I just can't stay in this horrific cycle any longer the pain is too great and I truly do not know what else to do. And to be totally honest I am so angry! I am angry at my husband and if I were to be completely honest I have to confess I am angry at God too. It has reached the point of me driving off in my car in my alone time and screaming over and over again at the top of my lungs, "I CAN'T DO THIS!!!! I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANY LONGER!!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!! I DON'T WANT THIS!!!!" I have never cried out to God like that before and I hate that I have those feelings. I do not want to be like that at all. I am not someone who expects a lot from anyone, but there is only one thing I ask God for on my own behalf and that is for my marriage to be restored. And I am so frustrated that God is allowing this divorce to proceed without intervening in a bigger way and I am just as frustrated with my husband for the same reasons. So yes I am very frustrated with God at the moment. I am very hurt too, but I am going to CHOOSE to serve Him regardless. I am still going to trust in Him and know that HIS love will NEVER FAIL. Am I feeling it in a big way right now? Nope, not at all, but I will trust Him even in my frustration. For Your thoughts are not my thoughts and Your ways are not my ways. Everyone always tells me how strong I am, etc... The truth is I am very weak in my own strength. I become a total mess the moment I stop turning to Him. He is my life preserver and the only thing keeping me afloat. I start to sink the moment I loosen my grip from Him. I have no idea where I would be without Him. Actually I do know I would probably still be in the fetal position balling my eyes out in my bed unable to function. I share all this not for you to feel sorry for me. That would be the absolute last thing that I want. I share it to encourage you that if you are even thinking of ending your marriage or even possibly thinking of cheating on your spouse I beg you to reconsider. Dr Hartley from Marriage Builders says that through his research he has discovered that infidelity is by far one of the most painful things a person can endure. More painful than rape, violence and death of a loved one. He even had a woman tell him who survived both rape and infidelity that infidelity was much more painful. Is this really the kind of pain you want to inflict on the person you vowed to cherish and protect? Is it really worth all the damage it will cause? I can tell you right now it is not! If you and your spouse are willing to work it out it is one of the best decisions you will ever make in your life. The pain and or frustration you are feeling in your marriage will NOT go away with divorce it is just magnified. Trust me it is not worth it! I firmly believe that there is no marriage beyond repair if you have 2 willing individuals, but trust me it definitely takes 2. Feelings will come and go, but that vow should last forever. If you would like to message me about it I would be happy to talk to you and encourage you in any way I can. I also share all this to help others understand why this is such a incredibly difficult decision to make. Even though it may seem so cut and dry to those outside looking in. The truth is there is nothing cut and dry about it. It's very messy and extremely painful and it impacts so many peoples lives. It's really a decision a person has to reach on their own, because they are going to have to live with it for the rest of their lives. The more people encouraged me to divorce my husband the more hesitant I became about doing so, because I just felt so much pressure to do so. I felt like I would be doing it out of peer pressure and not because it was truly what God wanted or what I wanted. I know everyone only wanted to protect me, but the pressure really was overwhelming at times. The final hearing is 2 weeks away and I still do not have peace about it. I still am not sure if this is what I should be doing. I know this seems absurd to most of you, but I just know what my God can do in the worst of circumstances. So I am watching this date come closer and closer and praying and seeking for clear answers. I have really been blessed by all my friends and family with so much support through all this. All of you have truly sustained me in more ways than you know. And I hope you don't take offense to me not always seeking or desiring input. It has nothing to do with you it's more about me not being overwhelmed by a million different opinions instead of just seeking God for answers. I treasure each one of you that God has placed in my life. *** One last request is that you please do not feel the need to bash my husband on here. I will delete those comments, because that is not what I desire from any of these posts.

"Mommy, why does life have to be so hard?"

My 7 year old daughter comes into my room a few days ago shortly after I had put the children to bed. My children know that if they have something they need to talk about they can come and talk to me after the others are in bed if they need to talk in private. She had tears in her eyes and wraps her arms around me and cries, "mommy, I miss daddy". At that moment we just held each other and cried together for several minutes. She then laid her head in my lap and I began to stoke her hair and she just poured out her heart to me. "Mommy, daddy always called me princess", "I miss daddy tucking me in at night", "Why is daddy still gone? It's been 7 months!" The questions just began to flow out of her tender little heart. There really is not words to describe how extremely difficult it is to watch your child suffer in this way and not be able to do anything about it. All I could do was keep stroking her hair, listen and offer a few words of comfort. The last question she asked is something I don't believe any 7 year old should have to ask with sincerity. The pain behind each word just tore my heart right open. "Mommy, why does life have to be so hard?" Her life should not be hard at this age. It should be fun, carefree, and she should feel safe. That question signified the loss of innocence and it broke my heart. No matter how much I try to shield them from all this ugliness I can't protect them from it all. I can't shield them from other people's choices that so deeply effect them. All I can do is keep stroking her hair, fight back the rage towards those who have caused her this pain, and tell her we live in a fallen world. Man brought sin into God's perfect world, because God gave man free will to choose to do right or wrong. Unfortunately all too often man chooses to do what is evil in God's sight and we have to live with the consequences of their actions, because the choices we make very rarely just effect the person making those choices. But one day Jesus is coming back to take us to heaven with Him where there is no more pain, no more sickness and no more tears and we will dwell in the house of our heavenly father forever.

As I reflect back on this incredibly special moment I shared with my daughter at a much younger age than I ever dreamed. I began to realize that I may not be able to keep the storms from coming her way, but I can be the safe place she runs to. I can do my best to comfort her as she endures this storm and any others that come her way. And isn't that exactly what Christ does for us? He may not always keep the storms from coming, but He does tell us He will be our refuge and strength and comfort through the storm. He is with us every step of the way just like I will be with my daughter. He is holding us while we cry and letting us know that He is our shelter in the storm. And I would imagine He feels everything I feel when my daughter is hurting, but in a purer form.

Sunday Overflow

This next posting is the result of some good conversation with my mom and a very good friend of mine. For the last several months my church has really been seeking for God to pour out His spirit upon us, and it has really been awesome to watch that hunger grow in our church. I know that God is moving in our church and I am excited to see what is in store for all of us. As I think about that hunger and I pray about it I really feel like God is showing not just me but others as well that Sunday should be the overflow. What I mean by that is that the Bible teaches us that we should be in His Word and in His presence each and every day. It says, "give us this day our DAILY bread" (I added the caps) But I feel like most of us (and I am including myself here too)arrive at church on Sunday in a spiritually starving state. Just think about what would happen to your body if you went without food. I actually looked up the symptoms of starvation and it is eery how similar they are to what we experience when we starve ourselves of our spiritual food. When we starve ourselves of physical food we may start out with irritability and lethargy. Which I find ironic that one of the first things I notice when I have not been feeding my spirit is how my attitude goes down hill. One of the next things that happens with physical starvation is that you start lose fat and muscle mass. You start to whither away. The same happens to the spirit within us as we begin to starve it. Your physical body will become so weak that it reaches a point to where it no longer even is able to sense that it's thirsty. This one really hit me between the eyes. I see it and have experienced it where you go so long without your spiritual food that you completely lose your thirst for that living water all together. And when your physical body gets this week your immune system starts shutting down and you are at risk of many diseases. And when your spirit becomes that weak it no longer has the strength to fight off the disease of sin. Sadly what comes next is heart failure and whether physical or spiritual it leads to the loss of a life. The parallels God uses in His word and His creation never cease to amaze me.

I bring up this parallel on starvation and such to ask if we should really arrive at church in a spiritually starving state waiting for our pastor and worship bands to spoon feed us our "daily bread"? Should we arrive in such a state of spiritual malnutrition? So weak that it takes a several songs just to get strong enough and in the right mind set to worship God? Or should we be feeding ourselves so well that when we arrive that we are ready to burst at the seams with what God is doing in our lives. How awesome would it be to go to a church where people are gorging themselves on God's Word each and every day instead of on a candy bar? When I say we should be bursting at the seams I am not going to say that should look one way or another. For one person it could mean serving the church, for another it could mean dancing in the aisles, for others it might be praying with or encouraging a brother or sister in Christ, or any other of the many many ways we are able to let the love of Christ flow through us. My point is that we should not arrive at church spiritually starving if we are mature believers in Christ (and I say we because I am saying this to myself as well), but instead we should be overly full and ready to share some of the food we have been stocking up on all week long. I really believe that the American church has gotten things backwards in this area of waiting till Sunday to be fed spiritually. Just think how amazing would it be to have a church that instead of the pastor being the only one sharing what God laid on his heart the whole body took turns sharing all the things God had been showing and teaching them throughout the week. How powerful would that be? I get excited just thinking about it. The things God could do with a READY AND WILLING church are so much greater than we could ever imagine.

********************** Taking it one step further********************************

As I was praying this morning and reflecting on the comparison of physical starvation and spiritual starvation I believe God wants to take it a step further. When a person is in severe starvation you can not just give them a hamburger right away. You have to start them out with very small and mildly flavored portions and gradually work them up to larger portions with more substance. There stomachs could not handle it. It would make them sick. They have to work up to the ability to be able to digest that food and expand their shrunken stomachs to be able to take in larger portions at one time. I believe the same is true for our spiritual starving state. We pray and are seeking God to move in powerful ways and we want to experience the out pouring of the Spirit, but God is needing to still give us the smaller portions because we are not ready to digest all that He has for us. So we need to start expanding our spiritual appetite so that we are able to digest all that He wants us to partake in. We need to be in state that we are able to handle ALL that He has for us.

Losing Pounds and Finding Myself Again( part 2)

You know a lot of people have been asking me how I have lost all this weight and what my secret is etc... I think I need to begin by telling you that by no means do I have all this figured out. I am merely speaking from my own experience. The truth is I am not on any fad diet or anything like that. God has just used one of the worst trials in my entire life as a catalyst for change in many other areas of my life. Where I use to use food to cope and meet needs I now turn to God. So I do not "need" food like I use to "need" food. I don't "need" chocolate like I use to. I was so busy stuffing my face trying to satisfy the longings in my soul that I did not leave any room for God to fill those longings. I used food, but I believe we all have our own vices that we use instead of turning to God. If we are always filling ourselves how is He suppose to fill us? So not only did I clear out space on my floor to dance, but it allowed space for the Holy Spirit to come and fill and He is the one who makes me want to dance. He revives my soul and breathes new life into me. He has fulfilled my cravings. And as I have experienced where I am today verses where I was less than a year ago I have just begun to realize just how intertwined our physical and spiritual health can be. I had become lazy on every level physically, mentally, spiritually. I was always tired because of all the extra weight I was dragging around which kept my mind from being sharp which in turn kept my spirit from being on guard and ready to battle when needed. The better physical condition I am in the better I can serve Christ and my children. If I am at my own personal best health then I can do whatever whenever He asks me to do it. "If I am always ready. I don't need to get ready." I will not be hindered by physical capabilities. My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and I need to take care of that temple and I need it operating at its optimal levels. I realize that not everyone is blessed with good health, but we all have our own personal best that we should strive to be which will look different for everyone and it may not always be a weight issue either. I just know that if I am operating at my peak I can serve God in a greater way then when I am unhealthy and always tired. Again it is not always necessarily tied to weight it's mainly a good health issue mine just happened to be linked to my excess weight.

I Corinthian 9:24-
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. 25 Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. 26 So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. 27 But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

Losing Pounds and Finding Myself Again( part 1)

Today I am celebrating a major weight loss accomplishment of losing 60lbs since I have given birth to Faith 6 months ago. Granted 10-15lbs of that I gained with this pregnancy and lost after giving birth, but I am still very happy with myself. Those who have known me the majority of my life know that before I got married and had kids weight was never an issue with me. I was by no means extremely skinny, but I would have considered myself thin who might have carried an extra 5-10lbs that were not really a huge concern of mine. I always ate what I wanted when I wanted. I was never afraid to have the burger and order dessert. I was also pretty active which most likely allowed for me to eat more without the major weight gain. Over the last 9 years of marriage I had managed to pack on the pounds. Add on top of that having 4 children in 7 years I really started to gain weight. Food had become my comfort, my friend, my reward, my relaxation and stress reliever. Food was literally the only thing I did for myself. I was constantly pouring myself into everyone else and never filling myself back up. So I used food to fill myself back up again, but you just have to keep eating more and more to feel that same sense of "fullness". But now as I am looking back I realize that with each pound I gained and every time I used food to cope I lost a little piece of myself. I was hiding who Brandy truly was and who God truly intended me to be underneath all that extra weight. It was another way for me to hide. When I think about this I think about cleaning out my wonderful son's room. Samuel can destroy a room like no one else I know. It literally can get to the point to where you have to wade through a foot of toys and clothes. It's bad! Then I have to go in and clean house and get rid of all the garbage, unwanted toys, and clothes that no longer fit etc... We need to get rid of all the extra weight in there. Just like I needed to lose my extra weight that has been hindering me and holding me back. Because there is so much more tied to those pounds than just extra weight. So little by little I start sorting through his stuff and throwing out all the junk and little by little you start seeing floor space and some resemblance of organization. But you know what is amazing about a freshly cleaned room to a child. It is inevitable they get in there and just start to dance all over the place. They love it and can not resist the urge. I am realizing through this weight loss journey that with each pound I lose I am getting rid of more junk that I did not need that just hid who I truly was. And now that I am beginning to see some clear space on my floor I find myself with this incredible urge to DANCE! The weight was like chains to me holding me back in so many ways and with every pound I lose I feel more chains dropping to the ground and freeing me up to be the woman God created me to be and He loves to see us dance through life!

Cornerstone

I was very thankful for an afternoon off today after a very stressful morning and week.  I was able to go to the gym and get my jogging  and weights in.  I then was able to go to the park and get some out door jogging in.  It really helped me to get my thoughts back where they need to be.  I am telling you there is nothing better for relieving stress then blaring worship music and working out.  You are not just working out your physical body, but your spiritual and mental one as well.  It really doesn't get any better than that.   Oh but wait if you are jogging on a beautiful day outside it really is the icing on the cake. As I was jogging at the park and just really enjoying being in God's presence the song cornerstone came on and God really just began to speak to me as I was worshiping during that song.  This is by no means some new revelation, but it just hit home for me in a fresh way today.  The bible tells us that Jesus is to be our chief cornerstone.  Chief meaning MOST important, the HIGHEST authority.  And then I began to really think about just what exactly a cornerstone is.  An entire building is erected around that cornerstone.  That stone dictates which direction that building will face and how each stone of the foundation will lay.  And Jesus is suppose to be our chief cornerstone.  It should all start with him.  Our family, our finances, our home, our marriages, our career, our entire lives.  All these are stones that should be placed according to the chief cornerstone  Nothing else in this life can be our cornerstone.  It will all fade away nothing else on this earth remains the same like our Jesus.  You can't have a cornerstone that might one day not be there anymore or it might decide to change its self in some way.  You need a cornerstone that will NEVER change and one that is strong enough to build a foundation on.  And there is NOTHING else on this earth that can do just that.  Everything else is just sinking sand.  Christ is our rock, our fortress, and our chief cornerstone.  Is He what your foundation is built on?  Does he dictate the direction of your family, your career, your LIFE?  Was your life built up around that cornerstone?  Did He dictate the direction your temple is facing?  Did you build your home on the Rock?  If not chances are it will all crumble around you.  That cornerstone should be bearing a lot of the weight of the structure.  What do you think will happen if you once built your temple around that cornerstone and you have since then removed the chief cornerstone?  You have greatly weakened the structure and it's destined to fall.  I hope we all can make Jesus our chief cornerstone and not just try to throw Him in there in the mix somewhere and wonder why we don't have a sound foundation.


Ephesian 2:20-22
built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21 In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22 And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.