Cornerstone

I was very thankful for an afternoon off today after a very stressful morning and week.  I was able to go to the gym and get my jogging  and weights in.  I then was able to go to the park and get some out door jogging in.  It really helped me to get my thoughts back where they need to be.  I am telling you there is nothing better for relieving stress then blaring worship music and working out.  You are not just working out your physical body, but your spiritual and mental one as well.  It really doesn't get any better than that.   Oh but wait if you are jogging on a beautiful day outside it really is the icing on the cake. As I was jogging at the park and just really enjoying being in God's presence the song cornerstone came on and God really just began to speak to me as I was worshiping during that song.  This is by no means some new revelation, but it just hit home for me in a fresh way today.  The bible tells us that Jesus is to be our chief cornerstone.  Chief meaning MOST important, the HIGHEST authority.  And then I began to really think about just what exactly a cornerstone is.  An entire building is erected around that cornerstone.  That stone dictates which direction that building will face and how each stone of the foundation will lay.  And Jesus is suppose to be our chief cornerstone.  It should all start with him.  Our family, our finances, our home, our marriages, our career, our entire lives.  All these are stones that should be placed according to the chief cornerstone  Nothing else in this life can be our cornerstone.  It will all fade away nothing else on this earth remains the same like our Jesus.  You can't have a cornerstone that might one day not be there anymore or it might decide to change its self in some way.  You need a cornerstone that will NEVER change and one that is strong enough to build a foundation on.  And there is NOTHING else on this earth that can do just that.  Everything else is just sinking sand.  Christ is our rock, our fortress, and our chief cornerstone.  Is He what your foundation is built on?  Does he dictate the direction of your family, your career, your LIFE?  Was your life built up around that cornerstone?  Did He dictate the direction your temple is facing?  Did you build your home on the Rock?  If not chances are it will all crumble around you.  That cornerstone should be bearing a lot of the weight of the structure.  What do you think will happen if you once built your temple around that cornerstone and you have since then removed the chief cornerstone?  You have greatly weakened the structure and it's destined to fall.  I hope we all can make Jesus our chief cornerstone and not just try to throw Him in there in the mix somewhere and wonder why we don't have a sound foundation.


Ephesian 2:20-22
built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21 In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22 And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.

Letting go of the wheel.

I apologize for the long respite from blogging.  Things have been kind of crazy around here.  Things I am not quite ready to blog about just yet, but hopefully soon I will be.  This morning was an extremely stressful morning for me trying to get all 4 kids ready for church in the morning can really try my patience at times and this was definitely one of those mornings and when you compound the stress I am already going through it is like a bomb waiting to explode at times.  And unfortunately my son broke the last straw and had Mt Mama erupt on him.  Something I am by no means proud of, but I am not going to pretend like I always have it all together and never lose it because I do.  ( and no I did not strike him so no calls to 241-kids please;) But my words were probably more harmful than any spanking would have been.  I wish that I could take it back, but I can't.  I can apologize and let him know that that kind of behavior is unacceptable even from mommy and hope I did not damage him to much.  The stress I have been under is enormous and that is when I realize that once again I have picked up burdens that I am not suppose to carry.  I am not big enough or strong enough to carry this burden.  I really just give myself to much credit sometimes, because I do have a lot of faith in my abilities.  And I know God is trying to show me that He has this NOT me.  I need to leave it in His hands and stop butting in and trying to take over for Him, because I usually am just getting in the way anyway.  It's amazing just how many times we have to give it back to Him.  When will I get it?  I have thick skull at times and it takes a while to get through to me.  It is so miserable to always be worrying  anyway why do I torture myself with it?  What does it really change?  It doesn't change anything, but my attitude and it definitely does not change that for the better.  So once again I am stepping out of the drivers seat and letting Jesus take the wheel because he knows the route a lot better than I do.  I am fumbling around in the dark and He can actually see where we are headed.

Just an Analogy

So many people have no idea what all this is like and I am so happy that they don't have to experience this kind of pain, but when I was thinking about all this an analogy came to me about what this is like.  I am not necessarily talking completely about my situation here it's a pretty general comparison.  I am hoping this gives some insight to people and that someone will read this and think twice before they walk down a similar road.  I am hoping that this will open people's eyes to just how important the marriage covenant is.  I also hope that I do not offend those who have had no choice, but to put an end to their marriage.  That is by no means my intent.  I just want to help people think about it from a different perspective.

As I am facing the end of my marriage coming closer and closer I really believe that God gave me this analogy for what it is I am faced with.  The more I think about divorce I realize that it is much like being faced with losing a limb.  I am still a whole and complete person without my husband, but our family will be operating at a handicap.  I imagine the pain with losing a limb is probably unbearable and death would almost sound like the better option.  The pain one experiences through a separation or divorce is more difficult than death.  Two people who have become one can not separate without feeling the painful effects of that tearing apart.  Now because we serve an awesome God He can bring healing just like if a limb were to be removed it would begin to heal with time and therapy.  God can bring healing to our hearts as well.  And even though the spot where the limb was removed is completely healed there will still be a scar there.  And that person will not be able to function at the same level they once did with a healthy full functioning limb.  They will always feel the effects of not having that limb.  Now God will be there strength and get them through it all, but that does not change the fact that the limb is no longer there and it should be.  The family will no longer function at its peak capacity with the absence of a parent in the home.  So that makes it an incredibly difficult decision as to whether you should remove that limb or not.  But if that limb is infected(living in sin) or the limb is no longer functioning or maybe it never functioned like it should then sometimes it is better to remove that limb so that it does not infect the rest of the body. (Please understand I do not condone divorce except in the case of adultery or abuse and even then I believe if possible you should reconcile)  And maybe you are better off without that particular limb there, but you are still without a limb. God is more than able to bring someone else in your life just like there is prosthetic limbs available for those in need.  I know there is some pretty amazing prosthetic limbs out there and some of them may even function better than the original limb in it's infected or not functioning state.  And some may even function as close to the original as possible. However it will not operate as smoothly as the original in a healthy state and that has nothing to do with how amazing the prosthetic is.  God intended for a husband and wife to be married for a life time and that is how the family unit works best.  God can do all things including restore a life after divorce, but the absolute best option is for that limb to be healed and never removed in the first place.  But sometimes no matter how much you try to save that limb it is to no avail and you will have to remove it.  And hey there is even some procedures where they can reattach those limbs;)  You never know we serve a God of second chances and a God who heals.  The possibilities are endless for those who trust in Him.

I am not trying to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do.  I believe that is a decision that has to be 100% that persons choice, because they are going to have to live with it for the rest of their lives.  I just hope to give you another way to look at things and maybe help others who have not dealt with this before to have a better understanding of the gravity of the decision and just how important it is for that person to make the choice on their own accord with God's guidance every step of the way.

Nothing's Gonna Hold Me Back!

I know it's been a while since my last post and to be honest I have prayed about what to write several times and I really had nothing to share.  These last couple weeks have been consumed with worry and stress for me.  You know every time you think you have given it to God you realize that before you know it you have just picked it right back up again and started carrying that burden all over again.  I am beginning to realize that this is something I am going to have to give to Him daily and even hourly.  I just keep wanting to pick it back up again, because obviously I can do better than God;)  Our reasoning really is crazy sometimes.  I don't even realize I am doing it again until I hit another low and start freaking out about things.  That is when I know I have picked up that very heavy load yet again.  The closer and closer it gets to my marriage coming to an end the more anxious I feel about everything, but I also have peace in the midst of it as well.  It's hard to explain.  I know that God is guiding my every step through this journey.  (Well... there may have been a few outbursts of rage that were not exactly His guidance. lol.  Then again they could have been;)  Seeing the lawyer this week was EXTREMELY difficult for me.  I don't know how many times I have cried out to God screaming, "I DON'T WANT THIS!!!"  I don't want this for me, for my children or for my husband, but I can't stay where I am at either.   I have to move in the only direction available to me at this point as painful and heart wrenching as it may be.  I have so many questions and worries about it all to be honest.  I was just sitting here tonight and my kids were just playing around me and I was not able to interact with them as they entertained themselves.  I just listened to my worship music and just kept praying for God to help me through this and help me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and not try to control or influence the outcome of everything and not stress so much about what the outcome may be.  And then this song came on..


And God just spoke so clearly to me.  That it doesn't matter which way things may fall, but with Him by my side NOTHING is going to hold me back.  Because,  those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.(Is 40:31)  It doesn't matter if I end up getting a divorce(which is the absolute last thing I want) or if we are able to save our marriage in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us (Rom 8:37)  I have no reason to worry, because God has my back and I need to just rest in Him and stop trying to control everything according to Brandy's will and trust more in God's will, God's timing and His infinite power.  If I just keep my eyes fixed on Him; He will take care of the rest.  1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.(Heb 12:1-3) God took me from having my head in my hands with worry and crying out to Him to speaking all these truths to not just my mind, but to my heart which is where I really need to hear them.  I went from being consumed with worry and doubt and unable to interact with my children to dancing in the living room with all of them with our hands raised and praising our God together.  We truly serve an AWESOME God and NOTHING is going to hold us back!  There is great things in our future and I can't wait to see God move!  Here I am Lord, send me!

Never Changes

You know I really have been taken back by just how many people are blown away by the fact that my faith in God has not been shaken in all this.  I guess I really just don't get why it would be.  I mean Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) He NEVER changes!  How comforting is that in this world where you can not put your faith in anything.  There is nothing in this world that we can count on and depend on that is guaranteed to stay the same.  TRUST me on this one;)  The ONLY one we can rely on without fail is Jesus Christ.  My entire world has been flipped completely upside down and I am living my greatest fear every single day.  I am living the one thing I thought I would never be able to survive.  I could get mad at God I guess, but I just don't see how it is His fault.  It was a series of bad decisions that got us here.  Could God have forced the right decisions to be made?  Yeah, I suppose, but if God made all those decisions for us so that we would always do what is right, we would not have free will. We would never truly be able to choose to love Him and that would not really be love at all.  We would all just be mindless robots made to do God's bidding, but He desired so badly to have a genuine relationship with us.  He gave us the free will to choose if that is what we wanted knowing that some would choose otherwise and cause Him great pain through it all.  That is how much He loves us!  And that is why I continue to love and praise Him!  And that is why we need to continue to praise Him in the hard times as well as the good times, because despite our circumstances changing He has  NOT changed!  He is still the same!  He will never forsake us and He is still worthy of all our praise yesterday, today and forever!

Nice and Comfy;)

One of the things I always loved the most about my husband is his ability to light up a room with laughter and engage an audience as he tells a story with so much passion. He has always had a gift for reaching out to people and making them feel like they were old friends. He does not know a stranger and will not think twice about striking up a conversation, for God knows how long, with a complete stranger. He has never had an issue with being in the spotlight and it truly is one of the qualities I admire most about him. And then of course you have me the absolute polar opposite;) I have always hated drawing attention to myself in any way really. Public speaking is one of my biggest fears. You would never catch me just striking up a conversation with a complete stranger. I am definitely more of an introvert. I have always been the one who listens rather than the one doing the talking and I have always found it especially difficult to talk about myself. I am usually not the one to start a conversation. I wait for others to start it usually. I have no idea why I am like this. I just am. When my husband and I first started hanging out I was a lot bolder in all those areas, because I hated fear and I would never let it stop me from doing anything, but as the years have passed I have found myself growing more and more comfortable with allowing my husband to always be the one in the spotlight. I began to make this nice and comfy little home inside this shell and as more time went by the more difficult it became to come out of it. The more likely something would draw attention to me the less likely I was to do it. I may have been quite cozy in this little shell I had, but I was also quite INEFFECTIVE for Christ. How was I suppose to "let my light shine before men, that they may see my good deeds and praise my Father in heaven.(Mt 5:16)  I can't let this little light shine if I am hiding it under a bushel and behind my husband.  I had so much to offer to further the kingdom, but I was too busy keeping it all to myself so I would not draw too much attention to myself.  There were exceptions when I forced myself out of my shell, but my first tendency was to stay in its comforts.  What I am learning more and more is that if I am too comfortable then I can guarantee you that I am NOT where God wants me to be.  Then what would I need him for?  This whole situation has forced me out into the spot light and anyone who knows me knows that this is the last place I desire to be, but I honestly would not change it for anything.  Now my light can shine before men and draw people back into deeper fellowship with God or even come to know Him for the first time.  My comfort equaled zero impact on the world for Christ, but once I was dropped kicked out of my comfort zone into the spotlight I am seeing God move in ways I never would have before.  So I beg you to ask yourself, "am I comfortable where I am at?" and if the answer is yes then I would question if you are truly where God wants you.   If you have been in that comfort zone for a long time then I would ask what is keeping you there? He is always wanting us to grow and stretch us in ways we might have never considered.

Who Am I?

You know when all this first happened it completely flipped my whole world upside down.  I began to question everything, but my faith in God.  Now that he was no longer in our home he no longer was the head of our household.  I now had to fill that role and that made really question who I was and what exactly I wanted for my children and I.  This thought process was also prompted by a very dear friend who is traveling a very similar road.  So I really began to seek God and search myself for who I was and this opened my eyes to so much that otherwise would have never seen.  I realized that I had no idea what I wanted or what I even enjoyed doing for that matter.  I had really forgotten who I was.  I had tried so hard to be the perfect submissive wife that always allowed my husband to lead our family without my "nagging" that I lost my voice and part of myself.  I was trying to hard to be the "perfect" wife always saying and doing the "right" thing that I lost who I was in the process.  I was too busy worrying about what my children and husband needed that I never really even thought about what I wanted.  I mean there is something seriously wrong if I have trouble thinking of something I like or want to do.  It should not be that difficult to come up with something.  I was further challenged by this same friend to to come up with 50 goals in 50 years.  When she first mentioned it I thought it was a bit cheesy, but then I laughed at the thought of actually coming up with 50 goals that I wanted to accomplish.  I mean I have trouble even thinking of something I enjoy doing anymore.  And wouldn't you know it once I actually forced myself to sit down and think about these things I have MORE THAN 50!  Who would of thought it!  I am so looking forward to taking steps to reach those goals and rediscovering myself along the way.  Not only will this make me a better person and christian, but it will also make me a better mother which is by far ONE of my highest callings, but it definitely is not my only calling.  And as I journey down this road of rediscovering the person God has created me to be I know that it is only through Him that I will truly find myself.  Nothing on this earth not even my children or husband can tell me who I was created to be.  Only the one who knit me together in my mother's womb (my designer) can truly tell me what I was designed for.  He knows me better than I know myself and He will direct my steps and my goals.  And He already is.  I know that I was called to missions before I was married and my husband and I always had a heart do missions work.  I still have that calling on my life regardless of my marital status and I will not forsake that calling on my life.  I have no idea how it will all come to pass, but I know God does and He has it all under control.

I thought I would include my 50 goals on here just for my own record and to help others start to really think about their own goals for their life.  Without vision the people perish.  We need to have a vision!
In no particular order.
1.)  Write a book
2.)  Travel to all 50 states in a RV
3.)  Go on the mission field.
4.)  Learn to be still before God
5.)  Memorize entire chapters in the bible
6.)  Become more acquainted with God's voice
7.)  Work at a soup kitchen
8.)  Minster to the homeless on the streets
9.)  Learn the piano
10.) Speak to groups of people
11.)  Start a bible study
12.)  Take in someone who needs a place to stay
13.)  Live a life completely obedient to God's call.  (I know this will take a lifetime;)
14.)  Pick up a hitch hiker (no lectures on safety please;)
15.)  Get in shape
16.)  Eat healthier
17.)  Go back packing
18.)  Horse back riding in the mountains.
19.)  Own a horse ranch and use it to minister to teens.
20.)  Be more organized
21.)  Spend quality time with the kids each day.
22.)  Discover and cultivate each of the gifts God has given my children.
23.)  Go skydiving!
24.)  Go bungee jumping!
25.)  Go rock climbing
26.)  Go to Washington D.C.
27.)  Take a family vacation every year
28.)  Do something for myself each day
29.)  Go swimming in a waterfall
30.)  Be fearless
31.)  Be confident in myself through Christ
32.)  Home school my children
33.)  Be in full time ministry
34.)  Learn to dance
35.)  Give away my last dollar
36.)  tithe 10% regularly
37.)  Lead as many people to Christ as possible
38.)  Invest in someone's life
39.)  Make and keep family traditions
40.)  Go on a cruise
41.)  Spend time daily in prayer and reading God's Word.
42.)  Run a 5k
43.)  Go to OSOM and get my ministering license
44.)  Go witnessing on the streets.
45.)  Teach and model all God's ways to my children
46.)  Sing again
47.)  Be intentional with each and every day no more coasting by
48.)  Have and actually take care of a nice garden with food and flowers.
49.)  Adopt a needy family for Christmas
50.)  Learn how to paint
51.)  Take a cake decorating class
52.)  Take a cooking class at the learning kitchen.
53.) Take my children on a mission trip.
54.)  Glorify God!