My God is SO Faithful!!!

  It is through hindsight that I am able to write this blog today.  My God has carried me through quite the roller coaster these last few years.  There has been so many ups and downs along the way.  I would love to say that I was faithful the whole time and didn't question Him along the way, but that simply would not be true.

My God and I have gone toe to toe many times.

This is not something I am proud of by any means, but it's just the reality.  There has been soo many pivotal decisions in my life that have brought me to where I am today.  Every one of these decisions has brought me to my knees begging God to take this cup from me.  Every one of these decisions has been made with immense agony and tears.

The decisions I have had to make felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest!

But through every single decision I have made my God has been by my side guiding me every step of the way giving me just enough strength to make it through each day.

He is sooo Faithful!!!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge He shall direct your paths."-Proverbs 3:5-6

  The first crucial cross roads I had to cross was accepting that there would be no reconciliation with my ex husband.  This was not an easy pill for me to swallow.  I believed with all my heart that my ex and I could work through this and in return help the many other couples that have faced the same issues.  I mean if there was anyone who could get through this it would be me right?:)  I now see that if God would have reconciled our marriage at that point I would have taken credit for it.  I was pretty confident in my ability to reason with people and counsel with people.  I know that I would have taken credit for the work that only God can do. I  now know without a doubt that the only one who can change a heart is God.  I don't have to say just the right thing or do just the right thing for Him to move in someone's life.  Their salvation does not hinge on me and that is a burden God has lifted from my shoulders that I should have never carried in the first place.

    The second pivotal decision I had to make was filing for divorce.  This was by far one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make.  This went against everything I believed.  I mean it says that God hates divorce in scripture.  I did not want to have any part in the ending of my marriage.  I wanted God to write on the wall what He wanted me to do.  I just had to know that I was doing what He wanted me to do.  I was terrified of making the wrong decision.

This fear crippled me from doing anything.

It took me a year and a half to divorce a man that had been cheating on me the entire time.  I grew very frustrated with God, because I wanted no part of this and I really wanted a clear answer either way.  I wanted my ex to just divorce me so that I could feel like my hands were completely innocent of the entire thing.  In hindsight I now know that, because I filed I had total favor in the courts eyes.  They gave me full custody with visitation only upon my approval which simply does not happen these days.  I will forever be grateful, because one of my biggest fears was my children being exposed to something they shouldn't be.  I felt God's total favor in the court room that day. I could not have asked for a better outcome.

My God is soo Faithful!!!

"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you.  He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.  Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.  Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes." Psalms 37:5-7

  Following my divorce one of the things I struggled with the most was believing that anyone would ever want to be with me and all four of my children.  I didn't struggle with low self worth or anything like that, but I just knew the reality that 4 children is a lot for anyone to take on.  And I did not believe anyone would be able to look past that fact.  My children are absolutely amazing, but I just knew it would be extremely intimidating for a guy to not just accept them, but love them as his own.  I am just a realist.  I also knew that I don't exactly have the time to go out and date anyone.  Despite my circumstances I did meet a few people along the way.  Each one helped me to break more ties with my ex and better prepare my children for the reality that we were not going to reconcile.  But I had a difficult time each time the "relationship" was cut off.  It just further solidified my belief that no one would be able to take on all this responsibility.  I grew very frustrated with God.  I was just sick of all of it.  And I made sure to tell God exactly what I thought about all of it.  So yeah, I had a little temper tantrum.  Thankfully I did not stay in that place.  I just felt like nothing ever went as I desired.

I felt like I was put on this Earth to make everyone else feel better about their life.

I did not understand why He would not give me the desires of my heart.  I didn't understand why this dark cloud hanging over my head would not lift?  I was tired of being "strong".  When was I going to see His favor?  Never mind the fact I had felt His favor through everything.  He had provided for us in miraculous ways, but it's funny how we forget about those things when we focus on what we don't have.  We only see a very small portion of His masterpiece and that tunnel vision greatly skews our perception.

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways", says the Lord.  "For as as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8

  Little did I know that all these things would work together to mold me into the person he created me to be with a lot of room for improvement:).  And He did not stop there.  He had someone in mind for me all along.  And His ways are so much higher than my ways.  He knew exactly what my children and I needed.  He heard my every prayer and heart's cry.  He knew every desire of my heart better than I knew myself.  I mean all the way down to my obsession with even numbers and his height.  He left nothing out. It still blows my mind at just how everything has fallen into place so perfectly.  Nothing has been forced.  It all has very naturally fallen into place and that is how my God works.  He is simply amazing!  Everything I lost in my first marriage will be given back to me ten fold.  I feel so incredibly blessed and I will forever be grateful.  I joke that it took crossing the country to find someone who I could spend the rest of my life with, but a good friend reminded me that that is how powerful our God is.

There is no distance too great, no mountain too big that our God can't handle.

I knew God promised me full restoration for everything I had lost.  He did not do it the way I would have thought, but I will never doubt his faithfulness again.  When I was under this dark cloud I doubted His abilities to restore, but now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that even if I am denied my greatest desire of my heart that it is only, because His ways are higher than my ways.  I could not see the silver lining when I was lost in the darkness of the cloud, but oh how much brighter that lining shines after passing through the darkness.  It's simply beautiful!

"Where once there were thorns, Cypress trees will grow.  Where Nettles grew, Myrtles will sprout up.  These events will bring great honor to the Lord's name, they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love." Isaiah 55:13

The Week from Hades

     Already I can tell this is a blog that Satan does not want read, because so much keeps getting in the way of me writing it.  For instance the fact that my daughter refuses to go to bed despite repeated attempts to do so and multiple issues with my computer and Internet.  This blog entry is stretching me in a big way this evening.  The events that I am writing about also had this same affect on me.  This really has been the week from hell for me (excuse my language).  I really feel like there is not a single area in my life that has not been attacked this week.  I am suppose to be taking my daughter on a mission trip on June 27th and it appears that Satan is going to be throwing everything at me to keep me from going on this trip.

      I have felt the attacks literally in every area in my life this week.  My finances are a mess and then I get a letter in the mail telling me my mortgage is going up $200 a month.  My stress levels are through the roof as I try to figure out how to juggle everything on my own.  I am informed this week I have high blood pressure which has never been an issue for me even when I weighed a lot more than I do now.  I am certain this is stress related, but humbling at the same time.  And there is always is always personal issues that cause me stress when dealing with my children and ex.  I believe this final blow sent me over the edge.

     All these things were weighing very heavily on me, but then I started talking to this really great guy and it didn't seem to matter as much;)  I felt like finally I could see some light past this dark cloud that has been hanging over my life for so long now.  If you could mark off every characteristic of the guy of my dreams he possessed every one and then some.  I was shocked that he was even interested in talking to me.  I mean seriously I have 4 children and I am sure he could get any girl he desired. And then I get the blow that I was waiting for.   He does not have a peace about moving forward with me in a relationship.  To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement.  I wish that I could say that I accepted this news with total trust in God, but I didn't.  Instead I threw a bit of a temper tantrum. (I know.  It's really mature;)  Asking God, "Why?".  It just felt like the one thing I desired more than anything was finally being entrusted to me and it was taken away as quickly as I received it.   I just could not understand why.  I mean all I desire more than anything on this planet is to meet someone God ordains and spend the rest of my life with them doing ministry together.  So why was God taking that away from me?  I was furious about it.  I began to question why am I even doing all this.  Is God even real? (Doubts I had been battling for quite some time now)  How long do I have to endure this life alone with no one to share it with?  I mean seriously, How long?  I have stayed so faithful through it all.  So don't I deserve this one thing?

    It's at this moment I had to decide am I Christian because of what God does for me? or Am I Christian because of who God is? 

     This is where the rubber meets the road.  Can I continue to serve Him even if I spend the rest of my life alone?  I have to admit this thought is a terrifying thought for me, because I truly loved being married and I desire more than anything to be married again.  But now I know that I will serve Him for the rest of my life even if I have to travel this road alone.  Even if He doesn't orchestrate my life the way I believe it should go.  I serve Him, because of who He is and He is amazing.  And I know that He IS real.  I know what I have experienced with Him and I can't deny it.  His favor that He pours out on us is just the icing on the cake.  It's not necessary, but it does make the cake a bit sweeter.

     I don't share these things with you for your pity, but I share them with you, because of how God is using them in my life.  Satan may be attacking me from every possible angle, but I have been given the spiritual armor to withstand against his spiritual attacks.  And that is exactly what I plan on doing.  I have been teaching a bible study on the armor of God and now it is time to put it to use.

I will stand and I will fight back.   

     He can go after my finances, my health, and my personal life, but he will never be able to touch my faith.  And I know that my God will meet my every need in His perfect timing.  I just need to trust in that in the mean time.  I may not do this perfectly, but I will keep placing my faith in Him.  And know that He will make up for where I fall short.

No weapon formed against me shall prosper.... Isaiah 54:17

And I hope you will choose to stand and fight back too regardless of your circumstances.
 

 

   

Is My Attitude Building Walls or Tearing Them Down?

 This day I was determined to get Samuel's room clean.  Anyone who knows me knows I despise this task with every fiber of my being.  I purposefully do not go into my children's room, because I get so angry at the sight of it.  And their rooms get pretty bad as a result of this.  I avoid this whole interaction on purpose, because it is always such a horrible one.  I just simply can not understand how they let their rooms get so bad so quickly and I hate cleaning so it really is just a negative exchange from every angle.  I will be totally transparent with you all it usually means I end up screaming at them the whole time and they usually end up crying.  It happens nearly every time and I feel the rage rise up inside me the moment I walk in the room and I can not even truly walk in there without stepping on something.  This is not something I am proud of.  I actually hate this about myself.  I know that I am just tearing them down, but sometimes it just takes over me.  It is not often that I act like that, but it is not pretty when I do.  Today I wanted it to be different.  I do not want my children to be afraid of me in that unhealthy way.  I know that only puts walls between us.  So this day as I walked into his room that looked like a tornado had ravaged every inch of it and took everything out of it's proper place and just crammed it wherever was most convenient in that moment.

I stopped and...

I prayed....

I pleaded with God to help me not lose my cool with Samuel, because I could tell Samuel has been carrying a heavy burden lately.  I knew the last thing he needed was for his mother to tear him down even further than he already felt.  I slowly felt the rage leave and I had to consistently choose to remain calm every time another pile of jusk was revealed that needed sorted through.  I believe that this adventure took 3-4 hours.  They were 3-4 of the hardest hours of my life.  As we cleaned together Samuel began to open up to me about the things that have been weighing so heavily on his soul.  He opened up about how much he hates being here with all these girls and how he wants to go live with his dad.  How he hates being the only boy in the house and he wants me to adopt a brother for him.  Anyone who knows my son knows that he can dwell on things and that is exactly what he was doing in this moment.  He then proceeded to tell me how much better his dad was then me.  And he went on and on about this fact to the point of bringing me to tears.  His words could not have been more hurtful.  He was not trying to hurt me, but was just sharing what he felt in that moment.  And he only gets to see his father a couple times a week and the idea of living with him is better than the reality.  The grass is always greener on the other side especially when you are the only boy stuck in a house full of girls.  I know all this, but the words still cut deeply.  It went on for so long I even told him to go live with his dad and that I would not force him to stay where he did not want to.  That statement lasted for all of 15 minutes before I recanted it.  Because I just can't entrust his full safety in that environment and I would not be able to live with myself if something happened to him.  Samuel then asked me if I meant it when I said he could go and I said that I could not allow him to go there.  I told him how much I would miss him if he wasn't here.  He thought that things would be less chaotic if he weren't here.  And I just responded, "I would choose the chaos over him not being here any day".  I think that is what he needed to hear this day.  This conversation grew into a conversation about God and asking Jesus into your heart.  I asked him if he has ever done that.  And he responded no, but that he believes it all.  So I asked him if he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart and he said, "yes".  So I received the great privaledge of seeing my son give his life to Christ and be a part of it.  All because I chose not to lose my cool that day and just work with my son helping him clean his room.  He said some of the most hurtful things to me that day, but I would take that any day to see him give his life to Christ.  And I am happy that he felt comfortable enough to share those hard truths with me.

As I reflect on this incredible day I can't help but ask myself how many of these precious moments have I missed?

How many times have I allowed my anger to build walls between my children and I instead of tearing those walls down?

It all starts with me.  I get so frustrated with my kids sometimes, but the truth is....

It all starts with me.

I need to get the plank out of my own eye before I constantly point out the speck in theirs.  I now see the task of helping them get their rooms clean as an opportunity rather than a dreaded chore.  And hopefully that will not change.

Calling on ALL Men! Just some encouragement from a single mom.

 

                This post I am asking the men to give me their ear and later I will ask for your wife’s ear.  I don’t believe that I am anyone special, but given my circumstances I believe God has given some perspective that you might not have.  I just want to encourage the men out there with just how vital your role is as both a father and a husband.  I am speaking from a perspective of one who has seen what happens when that role has been neglected and/or abandoned all together.

                I have seen the hearts of children break because their father is no longer a part of their daily life.  I have seen my children grapple with not understanding why daddy is no longer here.  I have seen their anger because all they desire more than anything is to be a family again.  I am watching them struggle in school because they are so overwhelmed with their home life that they cannot even begin to concentrate on a worksheet at school.  I watch as one child is diagnosed with separation anxiety and another attention deficit disorder and anxiety disorder.  I watch them not be able to stay the night at a friend’s house for fear that something may happen.  I watch them cry from stomach pains, because they have so much anxiety about so many facets of life.

  I don’t write this for your pity.  It’s not my desire in the least.  I write this so that you can see just how vital your role is in their life. 

You, Dad, are their refuge. 

You are their safe place.

You make them feel secure and that everything is right in the world.

And the single most important thing you can give a child is the safety and security to just be a kid and not carry such a heavy burden at such a young age.

I think it is easy for men to feel like their role is not that important, but I am telling you it is just as important as the mother.  Yes the mother in most cases does most of the caring for the children’s needs, but I am telling you that you are such a crucial piece to the equation and do not underestimate your value.

It does not stop there, because your role as a husband so deeply effects both your children and your wife.  The manner in which you treat your wife is showing your boys how to treat their wife one day and your daughters how to expect to be treated by their future spouse.

Are you treating your wife in the same way you want your daughter to be treated?  Do you want your daughter to marry someone like you?  What would you change if she were to marry someone just like you?  Are you the kind of man you want her to marry?  Be that man for your wife not just for your wife, but for your daughters and sons too.

I am going to be honest with you I look around at the men in this day and age and my heart cries out, “Where are the men of God who are going to rise up and fight against their own selfish desires?”  Yes, I do see some out there I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water.  It just breaks my heart to see what so many men and women live for these days.  You are missing out and your families are suffering and if you are not careful you will lose it all.  Trust me.  I know.
I ask where are the men who are seeking to PROTECT women and not PREY upon them?  Men have been trained these days to take what they can get from women, but where are the men who will RISE UP and stand up for a girl’s purity?  Where are the men who will look the other way instead of staring and trying to see how much they can see?  Where are the men who will refuse to see how far they can get, because they care more about protecting the girl rather than seeing just how far they can get?  I believe this can be said to women too, but I am just addressing the men right now.

I am not going to pretend like this is an easy battle for you all, but it is a battle you cannot afford to avoid. 

Your daughters and sons need you to RISE UP and FIGHT! 

They need you to train this next generation to do the same.

And women they need your support and not for you to tell them everything they need or should be doing.  I know it’s a difficult line to walk.  I know that frustration of having your husband not be the spiritual leader you so desire him to be.  It can be incredibly frustrating.  But take it from someone who is now forced into that role.  It is not an easy role to have.  I think about all the things I desired for my ex to do like consistent family devotionals, prayers and I would wonder why he could not just do it.  I kept most of these thoughts to myself, but they did nag at me.  And now I have to admit I have these same thoughts about myself.  Why can’t I just get my act together and be more consistent with prayers and devotions and……  Well, you fill in the blank.  It is so easy to be critical of what you think others should do, but I am telling you just try and walk a mile in their shoes.  It’s not easy.    In Exodus 17:11-12 when Moses had his arms raised the Israelites prevailed over the Amalekites, but as soon as his arms went down the Amalekites would begin to prevail.  So Aaron and Hur became his support.  They came up beside him and gave him a place to sit and held his arms up with him.   I believe that is what God is calling us to.  We need to hold up the arms of our husbands as they embark on these battles.  They need your support. Help them fight!

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7

You want me to do WHAT?!?!

  

        So just a few Sundays ago my pastor gives a message about how we need to confess our sins to one another.  I will be honest I do not remember the entire message, but I do remember him placing two microphones up front and calling the congregation to step up front and confess (this was voluntary).  Over the last several weeks I knew God had been telling me that I needed to apologize to my ex for the extremely harsh way I had been treating him.  Now I know most of you will think I am crazy for even thinking such a thing and would believe that he deserves everything I dish out to him, but the truth is that Christ calls us to so much more than that.  Nothing I was doing even closely resembled Christ in any way.  It was like I needed to let him know just how badly he screwed up my life and just how much I hated him and her for it.   I will be totally honest with you I enjoyed treating him like crap at times.  Revenge can be sweet, but what I realized is that slowly my heart was becoming darker and darker.  It’s like a cancer and it will steal your joy.  Yeah, I may have succeeded in making his life more unpleasant, however it did not affect him to near the extent it was affecting me.  The more I lashed out the angrier I got and the less hope I began to have.  I was really starting to go to a very dark place.  I felt so hopeless and alone.  The more I concentrated on just how badly he screwed up my life the more it felt like things would never get better.  I felt as though no one will ever want to be with me and all 4 of my children and I was going to spend the rest of my life alone and it was all his fault and I hated him for it.   These thoughts were a constant struggle of mine, but the despair really started to take me under as unforgiveness consumed my heart.  So I knew God was calling me to ask for forgiveness for weeks, but I just wasn’t having it.  I just couldn’t do it.   So of course, wouldn’t you know my pastor would give that message and my ex decided to go to service that day?  The funny thing is that I almost didn’t go to that service, but my ex was claiming he was going and I wanted to go just so that I could send him a nasty text and prove that he was lying.  I know.  I know.  I have the purest of hearts;)  My God has such a sense of humor.  It’s like He said, “Oh yeah, so you won’t apologize.  Well, now I am going to call you to do it in front of an entire room full of people.”  I did not do it, because I wanted to reconcile with Tony I was doing it because I needed to reconcile with Christ.  It was an extremely difficult and humbling thing to do, but almost instantly I felt the darkness melt away.   I no longer feel that same sense of hopelessness, anger and resentment.  I mean I still struggle with thoughts of believing that I will never meet anyone who will embrace me and all 4 of my children, however it’s not consuming me like once before.   I am not going to let Satan have victory in this area of my life anymore.  And when I chose unforgiveness and revenge I was choosing to give Satan victory over Christ.   Satan may have succeeded in ripping my family apart, but I am going to make sure I spend the rest of my life making him pay a hefty price for it.  I will choose God’s glory every chance I get.  I am not saying I will do it perfectly, but I will do my best to do it persistently.

Forgiveness, Yeah, I Still Have Some Work To Do:)

     I just felt like I needed to come clean to you all about my journey of forgiveness.  I just don't ever want to give the impression that once I write about something that I have the issue resolved and all figured out.  Just because I have a break through with something does not mean that I no longer struggle with it.  As a matter of fact once I seem to write about it I usually struggle with it even more.  I just don't want others to think that it is that easy.  It's hard, very, very, hard!  So don't be too hard on yourself if you are struggling at times too.
     I am just going to be real with you.  I found out recently that my now ,ex-husband's mistress has moved to an area very close to me.  I am talking right next to the grocery store I shop at on a regular basis.  Now I would like to say I handled it with all the grace and mercy that Christ calls us to, but well, I told you I was going to be real with you all.  So... my reaction was not exactly the most Christ-like.  To say that I was angry was an understatement.  Did I do the next Christ-like thing and turn to God about it?  Nope!  Not me!  I called my ex and chewed him out and asked him what the heck(I may or may not have used a more vulgar term) was going to happen when I ran into her at the store? And I then proceeded to tell him that I would beat the sh*# out of her.  I know most of your jaws have now hit the table, but I just am keeping it real.  I am so far from perfect.  I don't always handle everything appropriately and I don't ever want to give the impression that I do.  But I am so thankful that I serve a God who is gracious and merciful and loves me despite my imperfections and loves me too much to leave me there.  So somehow I ended up telling my mom all about this episode when I was telling her about the incredible blessing of scoring 2 free tickets to the Women of Faith conference.  And I guess she was a bit taken back by my strong reaction.  And asked, "Really? Why?".  My response, "because, I hate her!" (I have never been one for beating around the bush)  So of course my mom tells me that maybe I should work on that this weekend. (pfft.... I have no idea why she would say such a thing.  lol)  I told her that I was already working on forgiveness and I am working on forgiving my ex and my goodness I am only human I can only work on one thing at a time.  (I am NOT good at multitasking lol ;)  But, unfortunately I knew she was right and God had already started nudging me in that direction whether I liked it or not. ( and I was definitely leaning toward the not portion of that;)  And this weekend was such a huge blessing.  There is something so powerful about being in an arena full of women who have come to grow closer to God and know Him better.  It truly is amazing just worshiping with them all.  The messages were so inspiring and encouraging and the worship just really provided such a doorway to enter into the throne room of God.  It was just awesome!  And it was during that time of worship during the last segment they showed clips of The Bible mini series.  When they showed the clip of Jesus hanging on the cross, I began to really stare at all those open wounds on His body.  I watched the blood dripping down His body and thought about just how painful it must have been.  I stared at those wounds and realized that the painful image I was staring at was a picture of what I felt on the inside.  You can't see my scars with the physical eye, but they are deep and they hurt just as deeply.  When I came to the realization that it was visual of what I was feeling on the inside God began to speak to me that Jesus had those wounds inside(emotional) as well as physical.  So He was inwardly in as much agony as He was externally.  He had it coming to him on all sides.  And what did my savior do?  He said, "Please forgive them, they know not what they do".  He didn't threaten to hurt them and go into a rage.  He died for them and forgave them.  He loved them!  And I am called to do the same.  Lord, make me more like You and less like me.  This is going to be a huge battle for me, but I am looking forward to gaining some ground and taking back what the enemy has taken from me.

Choosing Forgiveness

So I am working on this thing called forgiveness.  Here is a newsflash for you all: It's not easy.  It is something I have to be very intentional about.  You see I am a girl and I am not just any girl.  I am a very analytical girl who has this tendency to analyze things from about a million and one different angles in order to come to the best possible solution/conclusion about any number of situations.  I will analyze the best drive to pull into at a gas station in order to have the most convenient pull out etc.... (I know. I have issues.)  So my mind is constantly going and replaying things.  It really never stops.  So take your typical girl who dwells and just multiply that by 10 to give you a glimpse inside this beautiful mind of mine.  And all this stuff I have been through the last 2 years really has consumed the great majority of my every thought for so long.  It is very difficult to start taking captive those thoughts and choosing to forgive instead.  It's hard to accept such a huge injustice and such a huge loss when you have to live with the consequences of another person's poor choices.  It really is just all so unfair.  I hate to sound like a 2 year old crying "it's not fair!", but it really isn't.  It just sucks and I find it very difficult to turn the other cheek.  But you know what.  It was also pretty unfair that Jesus had to die on the cross to pay for MY sins.  That was not fair to Him and His innocence definitely out shines mine by a long shot.  The consequences he endured on my behalf really put mine in perspective. I have never been beaten, nailed to a cross, mocked, carried the sin of the ENTIRE world, and endured my heavenly Father having to turn from me as I carried that weight, and then take my last breath.  I can't imagine!  Thank you Jesus for paying the incredibly high price for my sin.  It wasn't fair, but you paid it anyway.  And you call me to do the same.  You call me to forgive as you have.  After all how could I not give grace when you have given it so exceedingly to me.  It's just like the parable of the king and the servant and his great debt.  The king forgave the servant this enormous debt that was impossible for the servant to pay on his own.  And what does that servant do after he receives such a enormous gift?  He goes and finds a fellow servant and demands repayment of a significantly smaller amount and throws them in jail until they can pay.  I had never even considered the fact that I was sinning when my forgiveness was conditional upon my ex doing the right thing(in other words until I received repayment), until a very dear friend pointed that out to me. (I would not have accepted that rebuke from any other person, but I know her heart and where she has been)  And I don't want to be like the servant and receive such a great gift from my heavenly father and turn around and demand repayment/repentance from another.  Does this revelation make this easy to do?  Absolutely not!  It is by far one of the hardest things that I have to choose to do every single day.  Because it never fails that something happens almost every single day to make me have choose to let it go over and over and over again.  Like I said in the beginning I have to be very intentional about it.  I watch sermons on forgiveness several times a week and I have to constantly be on guard with my thought life.  It's extremely hard. Did I mention that it was hard? lol  But it is worth it!  Because I am not going to let this own me any longer.  I am going to be free from the chains of unforgiveness that have held me back for so long.  And yes they are chains, because ALL sin leads to imprisonment (even the justifiable sin).  Do I fee like forgiving them? Nope!  Do I struggle still?  Um... that would most definitely be a YES!   But I am reclaiming ground and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  So we are taking it one day at a time.  Taking baby steps and stumbling here and there, but we are reclaiming that ground inch by inch and one day I hope to look back and see how far I have come.  Hopefully I will have put unforgiveness way behind me and I won't be able to still reach back and pick it up again.  lol

Taking My Story and Making it His

Well, today my divorce papers should have been filed.  I thought that divorcing my husband would some how make what he has done and is doing to me less painful, but to be honest it doesn't make it any less hurtful. It is still just as painful as it was. I am not sure if that hurt will ever go away. I think about forgiveness and I believe that I could have forgiven someone who truly repented and turned from it, but I really do not know how I am suppose to forgive two people who have caused so much pain and turmoil to my children, myself, and numerous other family and friends, but most of all to my children.  I would do anything to protect my children from all this. Anything. But now all I can do is pray that God will take all these ashes surrounding us and make it something truly beautiful that will take your breath away.   One man took away every dream I ever had for my life. He took my dream of giving myself to one man and growing old with that man and raising our children and grandchildren together. He took my dream of raising our children together on the mission field (I am aware that America is a mission field too, but it is not where I dreamed we would be.). He stole my dream of being able to stay at home with my children. He took my dream of homeschooling my children. He destroyed my happily ever after. And he destroyed my dream of restoration and working with other families and teens to bring families back together and prevent others from going through this. He destroyed "my story" that I had been writing for myself. So now when I look toward my future I see a blank slate. Where before I had all these ideals of how my life should go, but now that all my "ideas" have been annihilated I can completely surrender to His will. Now I don't believe for one second that this is God's will(He hates this!), but just like when sin and death were brought into this world through one man (Adam), and God took that disaster and wrote one of the most amazing love stories of all time through it. I also believe that God is going to take this devastation and make it something remarkable. So I am surrendering the pen of my story to one of the most amazing authors of all time. I really am not sure why I ever tried to take the pen from Him in the first place. I mean think about it He has written the best seller of all time. He writes stories that we could not imagine. He writes a story that crosses generations.  He wrote the most beautiful love story of all time!  Am I really capable of writing a story that even compares? I don't think so... not even close. I have no idea what this next chapter in my life will hold, but I surrender it to you, Lord. And I look forward to it with great expectation.  What about you?  Do you trust Him to write your story?  Are you grappling with him over what you think He should write next?  Do you think you can write a better story?  There is so much freedom in surrendering the "pen".  I wish that I would have done it before it was my only option;)  "The resurrection life you received from God is not timid grave tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"(Rom 8:15) 

A Small Glimpse Into the Ugly Reality of My Situation

I am not sure where to even start. It has been so long since I have even wrote anything, but I have just been stuck in this same spot for so long that I felt like I truly had nothing to share. And to be honest I really don't know how much I have to share at this moment as well. I just feel like I am suppose to share something as I see this divorce looming closer and closer. It all still feels like I am dreaming. Well, I would not really call this a dream. It's definitely more of a nightmare. I just see pain and devastation everywhere. And I know that I am not the only one who feels it. There is pain on ALL sides of this. I am not sure if I could even describe the pain for you. It's really too much for words. There are so many different factors that cause all this pain. There is the pain of knowing that you unintentionally contributed to the breakdown of your marriage that lead to the affair and were never given a chance to fix it and make it right. The feelings of failure for not being able to restore your marriage after its demise. The feelings of helplessness as you can't control circumstances. There is the pain of total rejection from the one and only man you have ever entrusted your heart to. The one and only man you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. The one man you envisioned all your future with and whom you loved with every fiber of your being and would have walked through fire with to help him find freedom from all this sin and death. The one man you can't imagine eternity without. The man I was suppose to raise my children with. The man I waited my whole life for. I truly loved him and I always will. I will never stop praying for him although there has been times that I just couldn't. I just didn't have the words anymore, because I have prayed it all for so long. And then you have my beautiful daughter, who comes to me a couple nights ago crying begging me to "wait longer for daddy to come home." That she will "help me with anything around the house if I will just wait for her daddy to come home." And my heart breaks right there into about a million pieces, as I try to tell her that this is not her burden to carry. She proceeds to tell me that she doesn't want me to get remarried, because she does not want to have 2 daddies.(And NO I am NOT seeing anyone;) And now I am faced with the fact that in order for me to move on from all this and if I were to ever actually be able to meet someone else it would mean that I would guarantee my children's prayers would never be answered. My happiness would come at such a high cost. Not to mention I am sure the men will be lining up once they hear I have 4 children. My daughter has straight up told me she will not like anyone I want to be with that is not her daddy. When I divorce my husband I am not just divorcing him. I am divorcing my children and destroying their sense of family. And then I wonder how in the world am I suppose to teach my children about saving themselves until they are married when it didn't really matter for me? I did everything mostly "right" (not perfectly) and where did it get me? All of this weighs so heavily on me. And it makes everything so much harder because I am the one who had to file for divorce. This is something I never ever thought I would do in a million years and it's something I STILL question whether I should do. I am passionate about marriage vows. When I said until death do we part I truly meant that. I meant in the good times and the bad. I would do absolutely anything to save my marriage, but it takes 2 willing people to make a marriage work. I just can't stay in this horrific cycle any longer the pain is too great and I truly do not know what else to do. And to be totally honest I am so angry! I am angry at my husband and if I were to be completely honest I have to confess I am angry at God too. It has reached the point of me driving off in my car in my alone time and screaming over and over again at the top of my lungs, "I CAN'T DO THIS!!!! I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANY LONGER!!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!! I DON'T WANT THIS!!!!" I have never cried out to God like that before and I hate that I have those feelings. I do not want to be like that at all. I am not someone who expects a lot from anyone, but there is only one thing I ask God for on my own behalf and that is for my marriage to be restored. And I am so frustrated that God is allowing this divorce to proceed without intervening in a bigger way and I am just as frustrated with my husband for the same reasons. So yes I am very frustrated with God at the moment. I am very hurt too, but I am going to CHOOSE to serve Him regardless. I am still going to trust in Him and know that HIS love will NEVER FAIL. Am I feeling it in a big way right now? Nope, not at all, but I will trust Him even in my frustration. For Your thoughts are not my thoughts and Your ways are not my ways. Everyone always tells me how strong I am, etc... The truth is I am very weak in my own strength. I become a total mess the moment I stop turning to Him. He is my life preserver and the only thing keeping me afloat. I start to sink the moment I loosen my grip from Him. I have no idea where I would be without Him. Actually I do know I would probably still be in the fetal position balling my eyes out in my bed unable to function. I share all this not for you to feel sorry for me. That would be the absolute last thing that I want. I share it to encourage you that if you are even thinking of ending your marriage or even possibly thinking of cheating on your spouse I beg you to reconsider. Dr Hartley from Marriage Builders says that through his research he has discovered that infidelity is by far one of the most painful things a person can endure. More painful than rape, violence and death of a loved one. He even had a woman tell him who survived both rape and infidelity that infidelity was much more painful. Is this really the kind of pain you want to inflict on the person you vowed to cherish and protect? Is it really worth all the damage it will cause? I can tell you right now it is not! If you and your spouse are willing to work it out it is one of the best decisions you will ever make in your life. The pain and or frustration you are feeling in your marriage will NOT go away with divorce it is just magnified. Trust me it is not worth it! I firmly believe that there is no marriage beyond repair if you have 2 willing individuals, but trust me it definitely takes 2. Feelings will come and go, but that vow should last forever. If you would like to message me about it I would be happy to talk to you and encourage you in any way I can. I also share all this to help others understand why this is such a incredibly difficult decision to make. Even though it may seem so cut and dry to those outside looking in. The truth is there is nothing cut and dry about it. It's very messy and extremely painful and it impacts so many peoples lives. It's really a decision a person has to reach on their own, because they are going to have to live with it for the rest of their lives. The more people encouraged me to divorce my husband the more hesitant I became about doing so, because I just felt so much pressure to do so. I felt like I would be doing it out of peer pressure and not because it was truly what God wanted or what I wanted. I know everyone only wanted to protect me, but the pressure really was overwhelming at times. The final hearing is 2 weeks away and I still do not have peace about it. I still am not sure if this is what I should be doing. I know this seems absurd to most of you, but I just know what my God can do in the worst of circumstances. So I am watching this date come closer and closer and praying and seeking for clear answers. I have really been blessed by all my friends and family with so much support through all this. All of you have truly sustained me in more ways than you know. And I hope you don't take offense to me not always seeking or desiring input. It has nothing to do with you it's more about me not being overwhelmed by a million different opinions instead of just seeking God for answers. I treasure each one of you that God has placed in my life. *** One last request is that you please do not feel the need to bash my husband on here. I will delete those comments, because that is not what I desire from any of these posts.

"Mommy, why does life have to be so hard?"

My 7 year old daughter comes into my room a few days ago shortly after I had put the children to bed. My children know that if they have something they need to talk about they can come and talk to me after the others are in bed if they need to talk in private. She had tears in her eyes and wraps her arms around me and cries, "mommy, I miss daddy". At that moment we just held each other and cried together for several minutes. She then laid her head in my lap and I began to stoke her hair and she just poured out her heart to me. "Mommy, daddy always called me princess", "I miss daddy tucking me in at night", "Why is daddy still gone? It's been 7 months!" The questions just began to flow out of her tender little heart. There really is not words to describe how extremely difficult it is to watch your child suffer in this way and not be able to do anything about it. All I could do was keep stroking her hair, listen and offer a few words of comfort. The last question she asked is something I don't believe any 7 year old should have to ask with sincerity. The pain behind each word just tore my heart right open. "Mommy, why does life have to be so hard?" Her life should not be hard at this age. It should be fun, carefree, and she should feel safe. That question signified the loss of innocence and it broke my heart. No matter how much I try to shield them from all this ugliness I can't protect them from it all. I can't shield them from other people's choices that so deeply effect them. All I can do is keep stroking her hair, fight back the rage towards those who have caused her this pain, and tell her we live in a fallen world. Man brought sin into God's perfect world, because God gave man free will to choose to do right or wrong. Unfortunately all too often man chooses to do what is evil in God's sight and we have to live with the consequences of their actions, because the choices we make very rarely just effect the person making those choices. But one day Jesus is coming back to take us to heaven with Him where there is no more pain, no more sickness and no more tears and we will dwell in the house of our heavenly father forever.

As I reflect back on this incredibly special moment I shared with my daughter at a much younger age than I ever dreamed. I began to realize that I may not be able to keep the storms from coming her way, but I can be the safe place she runs to. I can do my best to comfort her as she endures this storm and any others that come her way. And isn't that exactly what Christ does for us? He may not always keep the storms from coming, but He does tell us He will be our refuge and strength and comfort through the storm. He is with us every step of the way just like I will be with my daughter. He is holding us while we cry and letting us know that He is our shelter in the storm. And I would imagine He feels everything I feel when my daughter is hurting, but in a purer form.

Sunday Overflow

This next posting is the result of some good conversation with my mom and a very good friend of mine. For the last several months my church has really been seeking for God to pour out His spirit upon us, and it has really been awesome to watch that hunger grow in our church. I know that God is moving in our church and I am excited to see what is in store for all of us. As I think about that hunger and I pray about it I really feel like God is showing not just me but others as well that Sunday should be the overflow. What I mean by that is that the Bible teaches us that we should be in His Word and in His presence each and every day. It says, "give us this day our DAILY bread" (I added the caps) But I feel like most of us (and I am including myself here too)arrive at church on Sunday in a spiritually starving state. Just think about what would happen to your body if you went without food. I actually looked up the symptoms of starvation and it is eery how similar they are to what we experience when we starve ourselves of our spiritual food. When we starve ourselves of physical food we may start out with irritability and lethargy. Which I find ironic that one of the first things I notice when I have not been feeding my spirit is how my attitude goes down hill. One of the next things that happens with physical starvation is that you start lose fat and muscle mass. You start to whither away. The same happens to the spirit within us as we begin to starve it. Your physical body will become so weak that it reaches a point to where it no longer even is able to sense that it's thirsty. This one really hit me between the eyes. I see it and have experienced it where you go so long without your spiritual food that you completely lose your thirst for that living water all together. And when your physical body gets this week your immune system starts shutting down and you are at risk of many diseases. And when your spirit becomes that weak it no longer has the strength to fight off the disease of sin. Sadly what comes next is heart failure and whether physical or spiritual it leads to the loss of a life. The parallels God uses in His word and His creation never cease to amaze me.

I bring up this parallel on starvation and such to ask if we should really arrive at church in a spiritually starving state waiting for our pastor and worship bands to spoon feed us our "daily bread"? Should we arrive in such a state of spiritual malnutrition? So weak that it takes a several songs just to get strong enough and in the right mind set to worship God? Or should we be feeding ourselves so well that when we arrive that we are ready to burst at the seams with what God is doing in our lives. How awesome would it be to go to a church where people are gorging themselves on God's Word each and every day instead of on a candy bar? When I say we should be bursting at the seams I am not going to say that should look one way or another. For one person it could mean serving the church, for another it could mean dancing in the aisles, for others it might be praying with or encouraging a brother or sister in Christ, or any other of the many many ways we are able to let the love of Christ flow through us. My point is that we should not arrive at church spiritually starving if we are mature believers in Christ (and I say we because I am saying this to myself as well), but instead we should be overly full and ready to share some of the food we have been stocking up on all week long. I really believe that the American church has gotten things backwards in this area of waiting till Sunday to be fed spiritually. Just think how amazing would it be to have a church that instead of the pastor being the only one sharing what God laid on his heart the whole body took turns sharing all the things God had been showing and teaching them throughout the week. How powerful would that be? I get excited just thinking about it. The things God could do with a READY AND WILLING church are so much greater than we could ever imagine.

********************** Taking it one step further********************************

As I was praying this morning and reflecting on the comparison of physical starvation and spiritual starvation I believe God wants to take it a step further. When a person is in severe starvation you can not just give them a hamburger right away. You have to start them out with very small and mildly flavored portions and gradually work them up to larger portions with more substance. There stomachs could not handle it. It would make them sick. They have to work up to the ability to be able to digest that food and expand their shrunken stomachs to be able to take in larger portions at one time. I believe the same is true for our spiritual starving state. We pray and are seeking God to move in powerful ways and we want to experience the out pouring of the Spirit, but God is needing to still give us the smaller portions because we are not ready to digest all that He has for us. So we need to start expanding our spiritual appetite so that we are able to digest all that He wants us to partake in. We need to be in state that we are able to handle ALL that He has for us.

Losing Pounds and Finding Myself Again( part 2)

You know a lot of people have been asking me how I have lost all this weight and what my secret is etc... I think I need to begin by telling you that by no means do I have all this figured out. I am merely speaking from my own experience. The truth is I am not on any fad diet or anything like that. God has just used one of the worst trials in my entire life as a catalyst for change in many other areas of my life. Where I use to use food to cope and meet needs I now turn to God. So I do not "need" food like I use to "need" food. I don't "need" chocolate like I use to. I was so busy stuffing my face trying to satisfy the longings in my soul that I did not leave any room for God to fill those longings. I used food, but I believe we all have our own vices that we use instead of turning to God. If we are always filling ourselves how is He suppose to fill us? So not only did I clear out space on my floor to dance, but it allowed space for the Holy Spirit to come and fill and He is the one who makes me want to dance. He revives my soul and breathes new life into me. He has fulfilled my cravings. And as I have experienced where I am today verses where I was less than a year ago I have just begun to realize just how intertwined our physical and spiritual health can be. I had become lazy on every level physically, mentally, spiritually. I was always tired because of all the extra weight I was dragging around which kept my mind from being sharp which in turn kept my spirit from being on guard and ready to battle when needed. The better physical condition I am in the better I can serve Christ and my children. If I am at my own personal best health then I can do whatever whenever He asks me to do it. "If I am always ready. I don't need to get ready." I will not be hindered by physical capabilities. My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and I need to take care of that temple and I need it operating at its optimal levels. I realize that not everyone is blessed with good health, but we all have our own personal best that we should strive to be which will look different for everyone and it may not always be a weight issue either. I just know that if I am operating at my peak I can serve God in a greater way then when I am unhealthy and always tired. Again it is not always necessarily tied to weight it's mainly a good health issue mine just happened to be linked to my excess weight.

I Corinthian 9:24-
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. 25 Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. 26 So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. 27 But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified.

Losing Pounds and Finding Myself Again( part 1)

Today I am celebrating a major weight loss accomplishment of losing 60lbs since I have given birth to Faith 6 months ago. Granted 10-15lbs of that I gained with this pregnancy and lost after giving birth, but I am still very happy with myself. Those who have known me the majority of my life know that before I got married and had kids weight was never an issue with me. I was by no means extremely skinny, but I would have considered myself thin who might have carried an extra 5-10lbs that were not really a huge concern of mine. I always ate what I wanted when I wanted. I was never afraid to have the burger and order dessert. I was also pretty active which most likely allowed for me to eat more without the major weight gain. Over the last 9 years of marriage I had managed to pack on the pounds. Add on top of that having 4 children in 7 years I really started to gain weight. Food had become my comfort, my friend, my reward, my relaxation and stress reliever. Food was literally the only thing I did for myself. I was constantly pouring myself into everyone else and never filling myself back up. So I used food to fill myself back up again, but you just have to keep eating more and more to feel that same sense of "fullness". But now as I am looking back I realize that with each pound I gained and every time I used food to cope I lost a little piece of myself. I was hiding who Brandy truly was and who God truly intended me to be underneath all that extra weight. It was another way for me to hide. When I think about this I think about cleaning out my wonderful son's room. Samuel can destroy a room like no one else I know. It literally can get to the point to where you have to wade through a foot of toys and clothes. It's bad! Then I have to go in and clean house and get rid of all the garbage, unwanted toys, and clothes that no longer fit etc... We need to get rid of all the extra weight in there. Just like I needed to lose my extra weight that has been hindering me and holding me back. Because there is so much more tied to those pounds than just extra weight. So little by little I start sorting through his stuff and throwing out all the junk and little by little you start seeing floor space and some resemblance of organization. But you know what is amazing about a freshly cleaned room to a child. It is inevitable they get in there and just start to dance all over the place. They love it and can not resist the urge. I am realizing through this weight loss journey that with each pound I lose I am getting rid of more junk that I did not need that just hid who I truly was. And now that I am beginning to see some clear space on my floor I find myself with this incredible urge to DANCE! The weight was like chains to me holding me back in so many ways and with every pound I lose I feel more chains dropping to the ground and freeing me up to be the woman God created me to be and He loves to see us dance through life!

Cornerstone

I was very thankful for an afternoon off today after a very stressful morning and week.  I was able to go to the gym and get my jogging  and weights in.  I then was able to go to the park and get some out door jogging in.  It really helped me to get my thoughts back where they need to be.  I am telling you there is nothing better for relieving stress then blaring worship music and working out.  You are not just working out your physical body, but your spiritual and mental one as well.  It really doesn't get any better than that.   Oh but wait if you are jogging on a beautiful day outside it really is the icing on the cake. As I was jogging at the park and just really enjoying being in God's presence the song cornerstone came on and God really just began to speak to me as I was worshiping during that song.  This is by no means some new revelation, but it just hit home for me in a fresh way today.  The bible tells us that Jesus is to be our chief cornerstone.  Chief meaning MOST important, the HIGHEST authority.  And then I began to really think about just what exactly a cornerstone is.  An entire building is erected around that cornerstone.  That stone dictates which direction that building will face and how each stone of the foundation will lay.  And Jesus is suppose to be our chief cornerstone.  It should all start with him.  Our family, our finances, our home, our marriages, our career, our entire lives.  All these are stones that should be placed according to the chief cornerstone  Nothing else in this life can be our cornerstone.  It will all fade away nothing else on this earth remains the same like our Jesus.  You can't have a cornerstone that might one day not be there anymore or it might decide to change its self in some way.  You need a cornerstone that will NEVER change and one that is strong enough to build a foundation on.  And there is NOTHING else on this earth that can do just that.  Everything else is just sinking sand.  Christ is our rock, our fortress, and our chief cornerstone.  Is He what your foundation is built on?  Does he dictate the direction of your family, your career, your LIFE?  Was your life built up around that cornerstone?  Did He dictate the direction your temple is facing?  Did you build your home on the Rock?  If not chances are it will all crumble around you.  That cornerstone should be bearing a lot of the weight of the structure.  What do you think will happen if you once built your temple around that cornerstone and you have since then removed the chief cornerstone?  You have greatly weakened the structure and it's destined to fall.  I hope we all can make Jesus our chief cornerstone and not just try to throw Him in there in the mix somewhere and wonder why we don't have a sound foundation.


Ephesian 2:20-22
built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21 In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22 And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.

Letting go of the wheel.

I apologize for the long respite from blogging.  Things have been kind of crazy around here.  Things I am not quite ready to blog about just yet, but hopefully soon I will be.  This morning was an extremely stressful morning for me trying to get all 4 kids ready for church in the morning can really try my patience at times and this was definitely one of those mornings and when you compound the stress I am already going through it is like a bomb waiting to explode at times.  And unfortunately my son broke the last straw and had Mt Mama erupt on him.  Something I am by no means proud of, but I am not going to pretend like I always have it all together and never lose it because I do.  ( and no I did not strike him so no calls to 241-kids please;) But my words were probably more harmful than any spanking would have been.  I wish that I could take it back, but I can't.  I can apologize and let him know that that kind of behavior is unacceptable even from mommy and hope I did not damage him to much.  The stress I have been under is enormous and that is when I realize that once again I have picked up burdens that I am not suppose to carry.  I am not big enough or strong enough to carry this burden.  I really just give myself to much credit sometimes, because I do have a lot of faith in my abilities.  And I know God is trying to show me that He has this NOT me.  I need to leave it in His hands and stop butting in and trying to take over for Him, because I usually am just getting in the way anyway.  It's amazing just how many times we have to give it back to Him.  When will I get it?  I have thick skull at times and it takes a while to get through to me.  It is so miserable to always be worrying  anyway why do I torture myself with it?  What does it really change?  It doesn't change anything, but my attitude and it definitely does not change that for the better.  So once again I am stepping out of the drivers seat and letting Jesus take the wheel because he knows the route a lot better than I do.  I am fumbling around in the dark and He can actually see where we are headed.

Just an Analogy

So many people have no idea what all this is like and I am so happy that they don't have to experience this kind of pain, but when I was thinking about all this an analogy came to me about what this is like.  I am not necessarily talking completely about my situation here it's a pretty general comparison.  I am hoping this gives some insight to people and that someone will read this and think twice before they walk down a similar road.  I am hoping that this will open people's eyes to just how important the marriage covenant is.  I also hope that I do not offend those who have had no choice, but to put an end to their marriage.  That is by no means my intent.  I just want to help people think about it from a different perspective.

As I am facing the end of my marriage coming closer and closer I really believe that God gave me this analogy for what it is I am faced with.  The more I think about divorce I realize that it is much like being faced with losing a limb.  I am still a whole and complete person without my husband, but our family will be operating at a handicap.  I imagine the pain with losing a limb is probably unbearable and death would almost sound like the better option.  The pain one experiences through a separation or divorce is more difficult than death.  Two people who have become one can not separate without feeling the painful effects of that tearing apart.  Now because we serve an awesome God He can bring healing just like if a limb were to be removed it would begin to heal with time and therapy.  God can bring healing to our hearts as well.  And even though the spot where the limb was removed is completely healed there will still be a scar there.  And that person will not be able to function at the same level they once did with a healthy full functioning limb.  They will always feel the effects of not having that limb.  Now God will be there strength and get them through it all, but that does not change the fact that the limb is no longer there and it should be.  The family will no longer function at its peak capacity with the absence of a parent in the home.  So that makes it an incredibly difficult decision as to whether you should remove that limb or not.  But if that limb is infected(living in sin) or the limb is no longer functioning or maybe it never functioned like it should then sometimes it is better to remove that limb so that it does not infect the rest of the body. (Please understand I do not condone divorce except in the case of adultery or abuse and even then I believe if possible you should reconcile)  And maybe you are better off without that particular limb there, but you are still without a limb. God is more than able to bring someone else in your life just like there is prosthetic limbs available for those in need.  I know there is some pretty amazing prosthetic limbs out there and some of them may even function better than the original limb in it's infected or not functioning state.  And some may even function as close to the original as possible. However it will not operate as smoothly as the original in a healthy state and that has nothing to do with how amazing the prosthetic is.  God intended for a husband and wife to be married for a life time and that is how the family unit works best.  God can do all things including restore a life after divorce, but the absolute best option is for that limb to be healed and never removed in the first place.  But sometimes no matter how much you try to save that limb it is to no avail and you will have to remove it.  And hey there is even some procedures where they can reattach those limbs;)  You never know we serve a God of second chances and a God who heals.  The possibilities are endless for those who trust in Him.

I am not trying to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do.  I believe that is a decision that has to be 100% that persons choice, because they are going to have to live with it for the rest of their lives.  I just hope to give you another way to look at things and maybe help others who have not dealt with this before to have a better understanding of the gravity of the decision and just how important it is for that person to make the choice on their own accord with God's guidance every step of the way.

Nothing's Gonna Hold Me Back!

I know it's been a while since my last post and to be honest I have prayed about what to write several times and I really had nothing to share.  These last couple weeks have been consumed with worry and stress for me.  You know every time you think you have given it to God you realize that before you know it you have just picked it right back up again and started carrying that burden all over again.  I am beginning to realize that this is something I am going to have to give to Him daily and even hourly.  I just keep wanting to pick it back up again, because obviously I can do better than God;)  Our reasoning really is crazy sometimes.  I don't even realize I am doing it again until I hit another low and start freaking out about things.  That is when I know I have picked up that very heavy load yet again.  The closer and closer it gets to my marriage coming to an end the more anxious I feel about everything, but I also have peace in the midst of it as well.  It's hard to explain.  I know that God is guiding my every step through this journey.  (Well... there may have been a few outbursts of rage that were not exactly His guidance. lol.  Then again they could have been;)  Seeing the lawyer this week was EXTREMELY difficult for me.  I don't know how many times I have cried out to God screaming, "I DON'T WANT THIS!!!"  I don't want this for me, for my children or for my husband, but I can't stay where I am at either.   I have to move in the only direction available to me at this point as painful and heart wrenching as it may be.  I have so many questions and worries about it all to be honest.  I was just sitting here tonight and my kids were just playing around me and I was not able to interact with them as they entertained themselves.  I just listened to my worship music and just kept praying for God to help me through this and help me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and not try to control or influence the outcome of everything and not stress so much about what the outcome may be.  And then this song came on..


And God just spoke so clearly to me.  That it doesn't matter which way things may fall, but with Him by my side NOTHING is going to hold me back.  Because,  those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.(Is 40:31)  It doesn't matter if I end up getting a divorce(which is the absolute last thing I want) or if we are able to save our marriage in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us (Rom 8:37)  I have no reason to worry, because God has my back and I need to just rest in Him and stop trying to control everything according to Brandy's will and trust more in God's will, God's timing and His infinite power.  If I just keep my eyes fixed on Him; He will take care of the rest.  1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.(Heb 12:1-3) God took me from having my head in my hands with worry and crying out to Him to speaking all these truths to not just my mind, but to my heart which is where I really need to hear them.  I went from being consumed with worry and doubt and unable to interact with my children to dancing in the living room with all of them with our hands raised and praising our God together.  We truly serve an AWESOME God and NOTHING is going to hold us back!  There is great things in our future and I can't wait to see God move!  Here I am Lord, send me!

Never Changes

You know I really have been taken back by just how many people are blown away by the fact that my faith in God has not been shaken in all this.  I guess I really just don't get why it would be.  I mean Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8) He NEVER changes!  How comforting is that in this world where you can not put your faith in anything.  There is nothing in this world that we can count on and depend on that is guaranteed to stay the same.  TRUST me on this one;)  The ONLY one we can rely on without fail is Jesus Christ.  My entire world has been flipped completely upside down and I am living my greatest fear every single day.  I am living the one thing I thought I would never be able to survive.  I could get mad at God I guess, but I just don't see how it is His fault.  It was a series of bad decisions that got us here.  Could God have forced the right decisions to be made?  Yeah, I suppose, but if God made all those decisions for us so that we would always do what is right, we would not have free will. We would never truly be able to choose to love Him and that would not really be love at all.  We would all just be mindless robots made to do God's bidding, but He desired so badly to have a genuine relationship with us.  He gave us the free will to choose if that is what we wanted knowing that some would choose otherwise and cause Him great pain through it all.  That is how much He loves us!  And that is why I continue to love and praise Him!  And that is why we need to continue to praise Him in the hard times as well as the good times, because despite our circumstances changing He has  NOT changed!  He is still the same!  He will never forsake us and He is still worthy of all our praise yesterday, today and forever!

Nice and Comfy;)

One of the things I always loved the most about my husband is his ability to light up a room with laughter and engage an audience as he tells a story with so much passion. He has always had a gift for reaching out to people and making them feel like they were old friends. He does not know a stranger and will not think twice about striking up a conversation, for God knows how long, with a complete stranger. He has never had an issue with being in the spotlight and it truly is one of the qualities I admire most about him. And then of course you have me the absolute polar opposite;) I have always hated drawing attention to myself in any way really. Public speaking is one of my biggest fears. You would never catch me just striking up a conversation with a complete stranger. I am definitely more of an introvert. I have always been the one who listens rather than the one doing the talking and I have always found it especially difficult to talk about myself. I am usually not the one to start a conversation. I wait for others to start it usually. I have no idea why I am like this. I just am. When my husband and I first started hanging out I was a lot bolder in all those areas, because I hated fear and I would never let it stop me from doing anything, but as the years have passed I have found myself growing more and more comfortable with allowing my husband to always be the one in the spotlight. I began to make this nice and comfy little home inside this shell and as more time went by the more difficult it became to come out of it. The more likely something would draw attention to me the less likely I was to do it. I may have been quite cozy in this little shell I had, but I was also quite INEFFECTIVE for Christ. How was I suppose to "let my light shine before men, that they may see my good deeds and praise my Father in heaven.(Mt 5:16)  I can't let this little light shine if I am hiding it under a bushel and behind my husband.  I had so much to offer to further the kingdom, but I was too busy keeping it all to myself so I would not draw too much attention to myself.  There were exceptions when I forced myself out of my shell, but my first tendency was to stay in its comforts.  What I am learning more and more is that if I am too comfortable then I can guarantee you that I am NOT where God wants me to be.  Then what would I need him for?  This whole situation has forced me out into the spot light and anyone who knows me knows that this is the last place I desire to be, but I honestly would not change it for anything.  Now my light can shine before men and draw people back into deeper fellowship with God or even come to know Him for the first time.  My comfort equaled zero impact on the world for Christ, but once I was dropped kicked out of my comfort zone into the spotlight I am seeing God move in ways I never would have before.  So I beg you to ask yourself, "am I comfortable where I am at?" and if the answer is yes then I would question if you are truly where God wants you.   If you have been in that comfort zone for a long time then I would ask what is keeping you there? He is always wanting us to grow and stretch us in ways we might have never considered.

Who Am I?

You know when all this first happened it completely flipped my whole world upside down.  I began to question everything, but my faith in God.  Now that he was no longer in our home he no longer was the head of our household.  I now had to fill that role and that made really question who I was and what exactly I wanted for my children and I.  This thought process was also prompted by a very dear friend who is traveling a very similar road.  So I really began to seek God and search myself for who I was and this opened my eyes to so much that otherwise would have never seen.  I realized that I had no idea what I wanted or what I even enjoyed doing for that matter.  I had really forgotten who I was.  I had tried so hard to be the perfect submissive wife that always allowed my husband to lead our family without my "nagging" that I lost my voice and part of myself.  I was trying to hard to be the "perfect" wife always saying and doing the "right" thing that I lost who I was in the process.  I was too busy worrying about what my children and husband needed that I never really even thought about what I wanted.  I mean there is something seriously wrong if I have trouble thinking of something I like or want to do.  It should not be that difficult to come up with something.  I was further challenged by this same friend to to come up with 50 goals in 50 years.  When she first mentioned it I thought it was a bit cheesy, but then I laughed at the thought of actually coming up with 50 goals that I wanted to accomplish.  I mean I have trouble even thinking of something I enjoy doing anymore.  And wouldn't you know it once I actually forced myself to sit down and think about these things I have MORE THAN 50!  Who would of thought it!  I am so looking forward to taking steps to reach those goals and rediscovering myself along the way.  Not only will this make me a better person and christian, but it will also make me a better mother which is by far ONE of my highest callings, but it definitely is not my only calling.  And as I journey down this road of rediscovering the person God has created me to be I know that it is only through Him that I will truly find myself.  Nothing on this earth not even my children or husband can tell me who I was created to be.  Only the one who knit me together in my mother's womb (my designer) can truly tell me what I was designed for.  He knows me better than I know myself and He will direct my steps and my goals.  And He already is.  I know that I was called to missions before I was married and my husband and I always had a heart do missions work.  I still have that calling on my life regardless of my marital status and I will not forsake that calling on my life.  I have no idea how it will all come to pass, but I know God does and He has it all under control.

I thought I would include my 50 goals on here just for my own record and to help others start to really think about their own goals for their life.  Without vision the people perish.  We need to have a vision!
In no particular order.
1.)  Write a book
2.)  Travel to all 50 states in a RV
3.)  Go on the mission field.
4.)  Learn to be still before God
5.)  Memorize entire chapters in the bible
6.)  Become more acquainted with God's voice
7.)  Work at a soup kitchen
8.)  Minster to the homeless on the streets
9.)  Learn the piano
10.) Speak to groups of people
11.)  Start a bible study
12.)  Take in someone who needs a place to stay
13.)  Live a life completely obedient to God's call.  (I know this will take a lifetime;)
14.)  Pick up a hitch hiker (no lectures on safety please;)
15.)  Get in shape
16.)  Eat healthier
17.)  Go back packing
18.)  Horse back riding in the mountains.
19.)  Own a horse ranch and use it to minister to teens.
20.)  Be more organized
21.)  Spend quality time with the kids each day.
22.)  Discover and cultivate each of the gifts God has given my children.
23.)  Go skydiving!
24.)  Go bungee jumping!
25.)  Go rock climbing
26.)  Go to Washington D.C.
27.)  Take a family vacation every year
28.)  Do something for myself each day
29.)  Go swimming in a waterfall
30.)  Be fearless
31.)  Be confident in myself through Christ
32.)  Home school my children
33.)  Be in full time ministry
34.)  Learn to dance
35.)  Give away my last dollar
36.)  tithe 10% regularly
37.)  Lead as many people to Christ as possible
38.)  Invest in someone's life
39.)  Make and keep family traditions
40.)  Go on a cruise
41.)  Spend time daily in prayer and reading God's Word.
42.)  Run a 5k
43.)  Go to OSOM and get my ministering license
44.)  Go witnessing on the streets.
45.)  Teach and model all God's ways to my children
46.)  Sing again
47.)  Be intentional with each and every day no more coasting by
48.)  Have and actually take care of a nice garden with food and flowers.
49.)  Adopt a needy family for Christmas
50.)  Learn how to paint
51.)  Take a cake decorating class
52.)  Take a cooking class at the learning kitchen.
53.) Take my children on a mission trip.
54.)  Glorify God!