My God is SO Faithful!!!

  It is through hindsight that I am able to write this blog today.  My God has carried me through quite the roller coaster these last few years.  There has been so many ups and downs along the way.  I would love to say that I was faithful the whole time and didn't question Him along the way, but that simply would not be true.

My God and I have gone toe to toe many times.

This is not something I am proud of by any means, but it's just the reality.  There has been soo many pivotal decisions in my life that have brought me to where I am today.  Every one of these decisions has brought me to my knees begging God to take this cup from me.  Every one of these decisions has been made with immense agony and tears.

The decisions I have had to make felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest!

But through every single decision I have made my God has been by my side guiding me every step of the way giving me just enough strength to make it through each day.

He is sooo Faithful!!!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge He shall direct your paths."-Proverbs 3:5-6

  The first crucial cross roads I had to cross was accepting that there would be no reconciliation with my ex husband.  This was not an easy pill for me to swallow.  I believed with all my heart that my ex and I could work through this and in return help the many other couples that have faced the same issues.  I mean if there was anyone who could get through this it would be me right?:)  I now see that if God would have reconciled our marriage at that point I would have taken credit for it.  I was pretty confident in my ability to reason with people and counsel with people.  I know that I would have taken credit for the work that only God can do. I  now know without a doubt that the only one who can change a heart is God.  I don't have to say just the right thing or do just the right thing for Him to move in someone's life.  Their salvation does not hinge on me and that is a burden God has lifted from my shoulders that I should have never carried in the first place.

    The second pivotal decision I had to make was filing for divorce.  This was by far one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make.  This went against everything I believed.  I mean it says that God hates divorce in scripture.  I did not want to have any part in the ending of my marriage.  I wanted God to write on the wall what He wanted me to do.  I just had to know that I was doing what He wanted me to do.  I was terrified of making the wrong decision.

This fear crippled me from doing anything.

It took me a year and a half to divorce a man that had been cheating on me the entire time.  I grew very frustrated with God, because I wanted no part of this and I really wanted a clear answer either way.  I wanted my ex to just divorce me so that I could feel like my hands were completely innocent of the entire thing.  In hindsight I now know that, because I filed I had total favor in the courts eyes.  They gave me full custody with visitation only upon my approval which simply does not happen these days.  I will forever be grateful, because one of my biggest fears was my children being exposed to something they shouldn't be.  I felt God's total favor in the court room that day. I could not have asked for a better outcome.

My God is soo Faithful!!!

"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you.  He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.  Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.  Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes." Psalms 37:5-7

  Following my divorce one of the things I struggled with the most was believing that anyone would ever want to be with me and all four of my children.  I didn't struggle with low self worth or anything like that, but I just knew the reality that 4 children is a lot for anyone to take on.  And I did not believe anyone would be able to look past that fact.  My children are absolutely amazing, but I just knew it would be extremely intimidating for a guy to not just accept them, but love them as his own.  I am just a realist.  I also knew that I don't exactly have the time to go out and date anyone.  Despite my circumstances I did meet a few people along the way.  Each one helped me to break more ties with my ex and better prepare my children for the reality that we were not going to reconcile.  But I had a difficult time each time the "relationship" was cut off.  It just further solidified my belief that no one would be able to take on all this responsibility.  I grew very frustrated with God.  I was just sick of all of it.  And I made sure to tell God exactly what I thought about all of it.  So yeah, I had a little temper tantrum.  Thankfully I did not stay in that place.  I just felt like nothing ever went as I desired.

I felt like I was put on this Earth to make everyone else feel better about their life.

I did not understand why He would not give me the desires of my heart.  I didn't understand why this dark cloud hanging over my head would not lift?  I was tired of being "strong".  When was I going to see His favor?  Never mind the fact I had felt His favor through everything.  He had provided for us in miraculous ways, but it's funny how we forget about those things when we focus on what we don't have.  We only see a very small portion of His masterpiece and that tunnel vision greatly skews our perception.

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways", says the Lord.  "For as as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8

  Little did I know that all these things would work together to mold me into the person he created me to be with a lot of room for improvement:).  And He did not stop there.  He had someone in mind for me all along.  And His ways are so much higher than my ways.  He knew exactly what my children and I needed.  He heard my every prayer and heart's cry.  He knew every desire of my heart better than I knew myself.  I mean all the way down to my obsession with even numbers and his height.  He left nothing out. It still blows my mind at just how everything has fallen into place so perfectly.  Nothing has been forced.  It all has very naturally fallen into place and that is how my God works.  He is simply amazing!  Everything I lost in my first marriage will be given back to me ten fold.  I feel so incredibly blessed and I will forever be grateful.  I joke that it took crossing the country to find someone who I could spend the rest of my life with, but a good friend reminded me that that is how powerful our God is.

There is no distance too great, no mountain too big that our God can't handle.

I knew God promised me full restoration for everything I had lost.  He did not do it the way I would have thought, but I will never doubt his faithfulness again.  When I was under this dark cloud I doubted His abilities to restore, but now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that even if I am denied my greatest desire of my heart that it is only, because His ways are higher than my ways.  I could not see the silver lining when I was lost in the darkness of the cloud, but oh how much brighter that lining shines after passing through the darkness.  It's simply beautiful!

"Where once there were thorns, Cypress trees will grow.  Where Nettles grew, Myrtles will sprout up.  These events will bring great honor to the Lord's name, they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love." Isaiah 55:13

The Week from Hades

     Already I can tell this is a blog that Satan does not want read, because so much keeps getting in the way of me writing it.  For instance the fact that my daughter refuses to go to bed despite repeated attempts to do so and multiple issues with my computer and Internet.  This blog entry is stretching me in a big way this evening.  The events that I am writing about also had this same affect on me.  This really has been the week from hell for me (excuse my language).  I really feel like there is not a single area in my life that has not been attacked this week.  I am suppose to be taking my daughter on a mission trip on June 27th and it appears that Satan is going to be throwing everything at me to keep me from going on this trip.

      I have felt the attacks literally in every area in my life this week.  My finances are a mess and then I get a letter in the mail telling me my mortgage is going up $200 a month.  My stress levels are through the roof as I try to figure out how to juggle everything on my own.  I am informed this week I have high blood pressure which has never been an issue for me even when I weighed a lot more than I do now.  I am certain this is stress related, but humbling at the same time.  And there is always is always personal issues that cause me stress when dealing with my children and ex.  I believe this final blow sent me over the edge.

     All these things were weighing very heavily on me, but then I started talking to this really great guy and it didn't seem to matter as much;)  I felt like finally I could see some light past this dark cloud that has been hanging over my life for so long now.  If you could mark off every characteristic of the guy of my dreams he possessed every one and then some.  I was shocked that he was even interested in talking to me.  I mean seriously I have 4 children and I am sure he could get any girl he desired. And then I get the blow that I was waiting for.   He does not have a peace about moving forward with me in a relationship.  To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement.  I wish that I could say that I accepted this news with total trust in God, but I didn't.  Instead I threw a bit of a temper tantrum. (I know.  It's really mature;)  Asking God, "Why?".  It just felt like the one thing I desired more than anything was finally being entrusted to me and it was taken away as quickly as I received it.   I just could not understand why.  I mean all I desire more than anything on this planet is to meet someone God ordains and spend the rest of my life with them doing ministry together.  So why was God taking that away from me?  I was furious about it.  I began to question why am I even doing all this.  Is God even real? (Doubts I had been battling for quite some time now)  How long do I have to endure this life alone with no one to share it with?  I mean seriously, How long?  I have stayed so faithful through it all.  So don't I deserve this one thing?

    It's at this moment I had to decide am I Christian because of what God does for me? or Am I Christian because of who God is? 

     This is where the rubber meets the road.  Can I continue to serve Him even if I spend the rest of my life alone?  I have to admit this thought is a terrifying thought for me, because I truly loved being married and I desire more than anything to be married again.  But now I know that I will serve Him for the rest of my life even if I have to travel this road alone.  Even if He doesn't orchestrate my life the way I believe it should go.  I serve Him, because of who He is and He is amazing.  And I know that He IS real.  I know what I have experienced with Him and I can't deny it.  His favor that He pours out on us is just the icing on the cake.  It's not necessary, but it does make the cake a bit sweeter.

     I don't share these things with you for your pity, but I share them with you, because of how God is using them in my life.  Satan may be attacking me from every possible angle, but I have been given the spiritual armor to withstand against his spiritual attacks.  And that is exactly what I plan on doing.  I have been teaching a bible study on the armor of God and now it is time to put it to use.

I will stand and I will fight back.   

     He can go after my finances, my health, and my personal life, but he will never be able to touch my faith.  And I know that my God will meet my every need in His perfect timing.  I just need to trust in that in the mean time.  I may not do this perfectly, but I will keep placing my faith in Him.  And know that He will make up for where I fall short.

No weapon formed against me shall prosper.... Isaiah 54:17

And I hope you will choose to stand and fight back too regardless of your circumstances.
 

 

   

Is My Attitude Building Walls or Tearing Them Down?

 This day I was determined to get Samuel's room clean.  Anyone who knows me knows I despise this task with every fiber of my being.  I purposefully do not go into my children's room, because I get so angry at the sight of it.  And their rooms get pretty bad as a result of this.  I avoid this whole interaction on purpose, because it is always such a horrible one.  I just simply can not understand how they let their rooms get so bad so quickly and I hate cleaning so it really is just a negative exchange from every angle.  I will be totally transparent with you all it usually means I end up screaming at them the whole time and they usually end up crying.  It happens nearly every time and I feel the rage rise up inside me the moment I walk in the room and I can not even truly walk in there without stepping on something.  This is not something I am proud of.  I actually hate this about myself.  I know that I am just tearing them down, but sometimes it just takes over me.  It is not often that I act like that, but it is not pretty when I do.  Today I wanted it to be different.  I do not want my children to be afraid of me in that unhealthy way.  I know that only puts walls between us.  So this day as I walked into his room that looked like a tornado had ravaged every inch of it and took everything out of it's proper place and just crammed it wherever was most convenient in that moment.

I stopped and...

I prayed....

I pleaded with God to help me not lose my cool with Samuel, because I could tell Samuel has been carrying a heavy burden lately.  I knew the last thing he needed was for his mother to tear him down even further than he already felt.  I slowly felt the rage leave and I had to consistently choose to remain calm every time another pile of jusk was revealed that needed sorted through.  I believe that this adventure took 3-4 hours.  They were 3-4 of the hardest hours of my life.  As we cleaned together Samuel began to open up to me about the things that have been weighing so heavily on his soul.  He opened up about how much he hates being here with all these girls and how he wants to go live with his dad.  How he hates being the only boy in the house and he wants me to adopt a brother for him.  Anyone who knows my son knows that he can dwell on things and that is exactly what he was doing in this moment.  He then proceeded to tell me how much better his dad was then me.  And he went on and on about this fact to the point of bringing me to tears.  His words could not have been more hurtful.  He was not trying to hurt me, but was just sharing what he felt in that moment.  And he only gets to see his father a couple times a week and the idea of living with him is better than the reality.  The grass is always greener on the other side especially when you are the only boy stuck in a house full of girls.  I know all this, but the words still cut deeply.  It went on for so long I even told him to go live with his dad and that I would not force him to stay where he did not want to.  That statement lasted for all of 15 minutes before I recanted it.  Because I just can't entrust his full safety in that environment and I would not be able to live with myself if something happened to him.  Samuel then asked me if I meant it when I said he could go and I said that I could not allow him to go there.  I told him how much I would miss him if he wasn't here.  He thought that things would be less chaotic if he weren't here.  And I just responded, "I would choose the chaos over him not being here any day".  I think that is what he needed to hear this day.  This conversation grew into a conversation about God and asking Jesus into your heart.  I asked him if he has ever done that.  And he responded no, but that he believes it all.  So I asked him if he wanted to ask Jesus into his heart and he said, "yes".  So I received the great privaledge of seeing my son give his life to Christ and be a part of it.  All because I chose not to lose my cool that day and just work with my son helping him clean his room.  He said some of the most hurtful things to me that day, but I would take that any day to see him give his life to Christ.  And I am happy that he felt comfortable enough to share those hard truths with me.

As I reflect on this incredible day I can't help but ask myself how many of these precious moments have I missed?

How many times have I allowed my anger to build walls between my children and I instead of tearing those walls down?

It all starts with me.  I get so frustrated with my kids sometimes, but the truth is....

It all starts with me.

I need to get the plank out of my own eye before I constantly point out the speck in theirs.  I now see the task of helping them get their rooms clean as an opportunity rather than a dreaded chore.  And hopefully that will not change.

Calling on ALL Men! Just some encouragement from a single mom.

 

                This post I am asking the men to give me their ear and later I will ask for your wife’s ear.  I don’t believe that I am anyone special, but given my circumstances I believe God has given some perspective that you might not have.  I just want to encourage the men out there with just how vital your role is as both a father and a husband.  I am speaking from a perspective of one who has seen what happens when that role has been neglected and/or abandoned all together.

                I have seen the hearts of children break because their father is no longer a part of their daily life.  I have seen my children grapple with not understanding why daddy is no longer here.  I have seen their anger because all they desire more than anything is to be a family again.  I am watching them struggle in school because they are so overwhelmed with their home life that they cannot even begin to concentrate on a worksheet at school.  I watch as one child is diagnosed with separation anxiety and another attention deficit disorder and anxiety disorder.  I watch them not be able to stay the night at a friend’s house for fear that something may happen.  I watch them cry from stomach pains, because they have so much anxiety about so many facets of life.

  I don’t write this for your pity.  It’s not my desire in the least.  I write this so that you can see just how vital your role is in their life. 

You, Dad, are their refuge. 

You are their safe place.

You make them feel secure and that everything is right in the world.

And the single most important thing you can give a child is the safety and security to just be a kid and not carry such a heavy burden at such a young age.

I think it is easy for men to feel like their role is not that important, but I am telling you it is just as important as the mother.  Yes the mother in most cases does most of the caring for the children’s needs, but I am telling you that you are such a crucial piece to the equation and do not underestimate your value.

It does not stop there, because your role as a husband so deeply effects both your children and your wife.  The manner in which you treat your wife is showing your boys how to treat their wife one day and your daughters how to expect to be treated by their future spouse.

Are you treating your wife in the same way you want your daughter to be treated?  Do you want your daughter to marry someone like you?  What would you change if she were to marry someone just like you?  Are you the kind of man you want her to marry?  Be that man for your wife not just for your wife, but for your daughters and sons too.

I am going to be honest with you I look around at the men in this day and age and my heart cries out, “Where are the men of God who are going to rise up and fight against their own selfish desires?”  Yes, I do see some out there I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bath water.  It just breaks my heart to see what so many men and women live for these days.  You are missing out and your families are suffering and if you are not careful you will lose it all.  Trust me.  I know.
I ask where are the men who are seeking to PROTECT women and not PREY upon them?  Men have been trained these days to take what they can get from women, but where are the men who will RISE UP and stand up for a girl’s purity?  Where are the men who will look the other way instead of staring and trying to see how much they can see?  Where are the men who will refuse to see how far they can get, because they care more about protecting the girl rather than seeing just how far they can get?  I believe this can be said to women too, but I am just addressing the men right now.

I am not going to pretend like this is an easy battle for you all, but it is a battle you cannot afford to avoid. 

Your daughters and sons need you to RISE UP and FIGHT! 

They need you to train this next generation to do the same.

And women they need your support and not for you to tell them everything they need or should be doing.  I know it’s a difficult line to walk.  I know that frustration of having your husband not be the spiritual leader you so desire him to be.  It can be incredibly frustrating.  But take it from someone who is now forced into that role.  It is not an easy role to have.  I think about all the things I desired for my ex to do like consistent family devotionals, prayers and I would wonder why he could not just do it.  I kept most of these thoughts to myself, but they did nag at me.  And now I have to admit I have these same thoughts about myself.  Why can’t I just get my act together and be more consistent with prayers and devotions and……  Well, you fill in the blank.  It is so easy to be critical of what you think others should do, but I am telling you just try and walk a mile in their shoes.  It’s not easy.    In Exodus 17:11-12 when Moses had his arms raised the Israelites prevailed over the Amalekites, but as soon as his arms went down the Amalekites would begin to prevail.  So Aaron and Hur became his support.  They came up beside him and gave him a place to sit and held his arms up with him.   I believe that is what God is calling us to.  We need to hold up the arms of our husbands as they embark on these battles.  They need your support. Help them fight!

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7

You want me to do WHAT?!?!

  

        So just a few Sundays ago my pastor gives a message about how we need to confess our sins to one another.  I will be honest I do not remember the entire message, but I do remember him placing two microphones up front and calling the congregation to step up front and confess (this was voluntary).  Over the last several weeks I knew God had been telling me that I needed to apologize to my ex for the extremely harsh way I had been treating him.  Now I know most of you will think I am crazy for even thinking such a thing and would believe that he deserves everything I dish out to him, but the truth is that Christ calls us to so much more than that.  Nothing I was doing even closely resembled Christ in any way.  It was like I needed to let him know just how badly he screwed up my life and just how much I hated him and her for it.   I will be totally honest with you I enjoyed treating him like crap at times.  Revenge can be sweet, but what I realized is that slowly my heart was becoming darker and darker.  It’s like a cancer and it will steal your joy.  Yeah, I may have succeeded in making his life more unpleasant, however it did not affect him to near the extent it was affecting me.  The more I lashed out the angrier I got and the less hope I began to have.  I was really starting to go to a very dark place.  I felt so hopeless and alone.  The more I concentrated on just how badly he screwed up my life the more it felt like things would never get better.  I felt as though no one will ever want to be with me and all 4 of my children and I was going to spend the rest of my life alone and it was all his fault and I hated him for it.   These thoughts were a constant struggle of mine, but the despair really started to take me under as unforgiveness consumed my heart.  So I knew God was calling me to ask for forgiveness for weeks, but I just wasn’t having it.  I just couldn’t do it.   So of course, wouldn’t you know my pastor would give that message and my ex decided to go to service that day?  The funny thing is that I almost didn’t go to that service, but my ex was claiming he was going and I wanted to go just so that I could send him a nasty text and prove that he was lying.  I know.  I know.  I have the purest of hearts;)  My God has such a sense of humor.  It’s like He said, “Oh yeah, so you won’t apologize.  Well, now I am going to call you to do it in front of an entire room full of people.”  I did not do it, because I wanted to reconcile with Tony I was doing it because I needed to reconcile with Christ.  It was an extremely difficult and humbling thing to do, but almost instantly I felt the darkness melt away.   I no longer feel that same sense of hopelessness, anger and resentment.  I mean I still struggle with thoughts of believing that I will never meet anyone who will embrace me and all 4 of my children, however it’s not consuming me like once before.   I am not going to let Satan have victory in this area of my life anymore.  And when I chose unforgiveness and revenge I was choosing to give Satan victory over Christ.   Satan may have succeeded in ripping my family apart, but I am going to make sure I spend the rest of my life making him pay a hefty price for it.  I will choose God’s glory every chance I get.  I am not saying I will do it perfectly, but I will do my best to do it persistently.

Forgiveness, Yeah, I Still Have Some Work To Do:)

     I just felt like I needed to come clean to you all about my journey of forgiveness.  I just don't ever want to give the impression that once I write about something that I have the issue resolved and all figured out.  Just because I have a break through with something does not mean that I no longer struggle with it.  As a matter of fact once I seem to write about it I usually struggle with it even more.  I just don't want others to think that it is that easy.  It's hard, very, very, hard!  So don't be too hard on yourself if you are struggling at times too.
     I am just going to be real with you.  I found out recently that my now ,ex-husband's mistress has moved to an area very close to me.  I am talking right next to the grocery store I shop at on a regular basis.  Now I would like to say I handled it with all the grace and mercy that Christ calls us to, but well, I told you I was going to be real with you all.  So... my reaction was not exactly the most Christ-like.  To say that I was angry was an understatement.  Did I do the next Christ-like thing and turn to God about it?  Nope!  Not me!  I called my ex and chewed him out and asked him what the heck(I may or may not have used a more vulgar term) was going to happen when I ran into her at the store? And I then proceeded to tell him that I would beat the sh*# out of her.  I know most of your jaws have now hit the table, but I just am keeping it real.  I am so far from perfect.  I don't always handle everything appropriately and I don't ever want to give the impression that I do.  But I am so thankful that I serve a God who is gracious and merciful and loves me despite my imperfections and loves me too much to leave me there.  So somehow I ended up telling my mom all about this episode when I was telling her about the incredible blessing of scoring 2 free tickets to the Women of Faith conference.  And I guess she was a bit taken back by my strong reaction.  And asked, "Really? Why?".  My response, "because, I hate her!" (I have never been one for beating around the bush)  So of course my mom tells me that maybe I should work on that this weekend. (pfft.... I have no idea why she would say such a thing.  lol)  I told her that I was already working on forgiveness and I am working on forgiving my ex and my goodness I am only human I can only work on one thing at a time.  (I am NOT good at multitasking lol ;)  But, unfortunately I knew she was right and God had already started nudging me in that direction whether I liked it or not. ( and I was definitely leaning toward the not portion of that;)  And this weekend was such a huge blessing.  There is something so powerful about being in an arena full of women who have come to grow closer to God and know Him better.  It truly is amazing just worshiping with them all.  The messages were so inspiring and encouraging and the worship just really provided such a doorway to enter into the throne room of God.  It was just awesome!  And it was during that time of worship during the last segment they showed clips of The Bible mini series.  When they showed the clip of Jesus hanging on the cross, I began to really stare at all those open wounds on His body.  I watched the blood dripping down His body and thought about just how painful it must have been.  I stared at those wounds and realized that the painful image I was staring at was a picture of what I felt on the inside.  You can't see my scars with the physical eye, but they are deep and they hurt just as deeply.  When I came to the realization that it was visual of what I was feeling on the inside God began to speak to me that Jesus had those wounds inside(emotional) as well as physical.  So He was inwardly in as much agony as He was externally.  He had it coming to him on all sides.  And what did my savior do?  He said, "Please forgive them, they know not what they do".  He didn't threaten to hurt them and go into a rage.  He died for them and forgave them.  He loved them!  And I am called to do the same.  Lord, make me more like You and less like me.  This is going to be a huge battle for me, but I am looking forward to gaining some ground and taking back what the enemy has taken from me.

Choosing Forgiveness

So I am working on this thing called forgiveness.  Here is a newsflash for you all: It's not easy.  It is something I have to be very intentional about.  You see I am a girl and I am not just any girl.  I am a very analytical girl who has this tendency to analyze things from about a million and one different angles in order to come to the best possible solution/conclusion about any number of situations.  I will analyze the best drive to pull into at a gas station in order to have the most convenient pull out etc.... (I know. I have issues.)  So my mind is constantly going and replaying things.  It really never stops.  So take your typical girl who dwells and just multiply that by 10 to give you a glimpse inside this beautiful mind of mine.  And all this stuff I have been through the last 2 years really has consumed the great majority of my every thought for so long.  It is very difficult to start taking captive those thoughts and choosing to forgive instead.  It's hard to accept such a huge injustice and such a huge loss when you have to live with the consequences of another person's poor choices.  It really is just all so unfair.  I hate to sound like a 2 year old crying "it's not fair!", but it really isn't.  It just sucks and I find it very difficult to turn the other cheek.  But you know what.  It was also pretty unfair that Jesus had to die on the cross to pay for MY sins.  That was not fair to Him and His innocence definitely out shines mine by a long shot.  The consequences he endured on my behalf really put mine in perspective. I have never been beaten, nailed to a cross, mocked, carried the sin of the ENTIRE world, and endured my heavenly Father having to turn from me as I carried that weight, and then take my last breath.  I can't imagine!  Thank you Jesus for paying the incredibly high price for my sin.  It wasn't fair, but you paid it anyway.  And you call me to do the same.  You call me to forgive as you have.  After all how could I not give grace when you have given it so exceedingly to me.  It's just like the parable of the king and the servant and his great debt.  The king forgave the servant this enormous debt that was impossible for the servant to pay on his own.  And what does that servant do after he receives such a enormous gift?  He goes and finds a fellow servant and demands repayment of a significantly smaller amount and throws them in jail until they can pay.  I had never even considered the fact that I was sinning when my forgiveness was conditional upon my ex doing the right thing(in other words until I received repayment), until a very dear friend pointed that out to me. (I would not have accepted that rebuke from any other person, but I know her heart and where she has been)  And I don't want to be like the servant and receive such a great gift from my heavenly father and turn around and demand repayment/repentance from another.  Does this revelation make this easy to do?  Absolutely not!  It is by far one of the hardest things that I have to choose to do every single day.  Because it never fails that something happens almost every single day to make me have choose to let it go over and over and over again.  Like I said in the beginning I have to be very intentional about it.  I watch sermons on forgiveness several times a week and I have to constantly be on guard with my thought life.  It's extremely hard. Did I mention that it was hard? lol  But it is worth it!  Because I am not going to let this own me any longer.  I am going to be free from the chains of unforgiveness that have held me back for so long.  And yes they are chains, because ALL sin leads to imprisonment (even the justifiable sin).  Do I fee like forgiving them? Nope!  Do I struggle still?  Um... that would most definitely be a YES!   But I am reclaiming ground and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  So we are taking it one day at a time.  Taking baby steps and stumbling here and there, but we are reclaiming that ground inch by inch and one day I hope to look back and see how far I have come.  Hopefully I will have put unforgiveness way behind me and I won't be able to still reach back and pick it up again.  lol